For Everyone who has been called “Too Nice.”

too nice

I’ve heard it my entire life: “You are too nice.”

I’ve heard it in the workplace, I’ve heard it in relationships, I’ve heard it in friendships. And along with this
“You are too nice” have come many assumptions.

I think people assume that because I am nice I don’t know how to put my foot down or be assertive.

Because I am nice I don’t really have an opinion; I just go with the flow. I am nice, so I won’t mind. Or the kicker—I am nice because I lead a simple, uncomplicated life.

On behalf of the many people who are nice and kind: all of these assumptions are wrong.

What if the whole “nice” thing was re-framed for a moment: (Please bear with me as I will interchangeably use nice and kind).

Maybe the people who are the nicest, most positive and uplifting are the ones who have gone through the most upheaval. They know how to offer genuine words of encouragement because they have had to become their own biggest cheerleaders.

They are the ones who have had to talk themselves out of bed in the morning and off the floor at night.

They are the ones who have fiercely fought their demons—the demons about themselves that most people are afraid to face.

They are the ones who are brave and introspective—the ones who are driven to change.

They are the ones who are the opposite of complacent. They want to do better and they want to be better. They want to change the world.

There is a whole lot hiding behind nice.

A year and a half ago, I moved through something so inextricably painful I can’t even put it into words.

However, I did find that during that time I smiled bigger and harder than I ever had in my entire life, because I was fighting for my happiness day in and day out. I was fiercely trying to practice gratitude amidst a wealth of hurt.

This causes me to think that maybe the people who always have a smile on their face are the ones whose hearts have been broken wide open.

They are the ones who have really done the work—-who are genuinely appreciative. I know this to be true, for where I am and who I am.

I think my niceness is a choice—I make not just for myself, but for my relationships and for those I encounter on a day to day basis. Sometimes it’s a choice I make every five seconds (If you’ve ever taken the Streetcar down Queen at 5 p.m. in Toronto you’ll understand what I mean).

This choice I make is humbling. This choice I make is character-stretching. This choice I make is difficult.

And you know what the hardest part of this choice is?
Turning the kindness I extend to everyone around me and showing it to myself. Daily. I don’t think I do this often enough. Do you?

While working at a restaurant a few years ago, the staff had gotten together to talk about some negative things that needed to be brought to the owner’s attention. I was immediately veto-ed because I was “too nice.” What is with that!?

I think the biggest mistake people make is to associate kindness with weakness. That is so wrong.

Kindness is a strength.

The fact that I’m smiling at the person that is smushing their Chinese takeout in my face on the Streetcar, while their dog is scratching my leg is example enough of how kindness is a strength (a micro example, may I say. There are bigger and much more tragic things I have endured while still remaining positive).

To be kind sometimes leaps beyond choice.

To be kind is to have perspective. It’s humility. It’s forgiveness. It’s not letting our anger own us.

It’s letting go of grudges. It’s sowing what you reap. It’s seeing the good in others. It’s seeing the good in ourselves. It’s love.

Kindness isn’t about ignorance. It’s about seeing and knowing exactly what is going on and how things unfold, but choosing to take a different path.

Do people call you “too nice?”

Embrace it. It used annoy me, but now I shrug it off. I’m proud of the choices I have made to get to where I am.

Let the “too nice” be a reminder that your path is different than theirs. And different paths are okay.

Remember: There’s a whole lot hiding behind nice.



Hey Nice Guys! 3 Real Reasons You aren’t Getting the Girl.

Author: Cayla Schafer 

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr/martinak

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Olivia Mar 31, 2016 1:34am

As a person who has been called “nice” her whole life, it troubles me when this word somehow implies naivete or a lack of awareness or intelligence. It’s as though “nice” means I have this wide-eyed innocent view of the world and that I am easy to take advantage of. This is so far from the truth. I have seen so much pain and darkness in this life and I definitely observe the behavior of everyone around me. I see so much that troubles me and I have strong opinions but I keep them to myself, unless I am asked for them. Instead of criticizing others and tearing them down over their flaws, it is most definitely a choice to treat everyone with kindness and respect. I myself am a flawed person. It is not my place to knock others down when I am not perfect myself. So I believe it is best to treat everyone “nicely,” especially those of us who are the most difficult to deal with.

Sonja Feb 24, 2016 10:10pm

Thank you for your insightful essay. Today one of my bosses again informed me that I’m “too nice”. It’s come up many times before and is always awkward and feels like a double edged compliment. I end up being more annoyed than anything. I just try to do my job and make the day a little easier for those around me. No ulterior motive. Just a straight forward doing my part work ethic. Today After our short exchange I realized that I really have nothing to do with his perception of me. i realized I might be giving this world some balance and decided I don’t want to feel bad about that. Coming across your article just reinforces that. Thank you.

Boyd Jan 20, 2016 5:26pm

Very timely and accurate post than I can certainly relate to. Thanks for posting; this is bang-on.

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Cayla Schafer

Cayla Schafer is a restaurant manager and Moksha teacher from Toronto, ON. She constantly strives to learn, grow, and challenge herself daily in this big city she calls home.. Find her at her blog, Instagram orTwitter.