October 22, 2015

How I Learned to Surrender During Sex.


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It’s an interesting topic.

For me it was a story that carried shame, pain, distrust and optimism. I always wanted to have really amazing sex. That desire even led me cheat on my ex-husband multiple times, seeking that mind-blowing sex that people say exists. And of course, I never found it. It was always, “Meh…that was pretty good.”

I started to question myself. Do I need more variety? Do I need to try this? Or maybe this would finally unleash the gush of awesomeness. So I tried some of those things—and found that they were met with the same result. Then I thought, “Something must be wrong with me.” I wondered, “Are my hormone levels off? It has to be me!”.

I found the answer in a totally unassuming way. In my quest for happiness, which I detail in Is the Hamster-Wheel of Success Killing our Chances of Being Happy?, I found that I also had to let go of my stories around sex. I would have to face my sexual trauma head on. I would have to face my stories around men head on. I would have to face my body image issues head on. I would have to find a way to love myself…really love myself. Not just understand that I love myself. I would have to actually feel love for myself.

That was when I really started to see myself. All the characters I wore. All the lies I had told. All the pretending I had done. I wondered, “What in the hell have I become?” I had become a person I simply couldn’t love. I had been hiding the shame I felt around my sexual trauma and had done terrible things. I had hurt people. That’s when I had to face that I had turned off my ability to feel for others the first time I felt that someone didn’t feel for me. The first time someone put their sexual needs above my innocence. I couldn’t love someone else the way others did because I knew men were not to be trusted. They were always just in it for themselves. I could never fully love someone else, because I couldn’t fully love myself. And I couldn’t fully experience loving myself because I had no experience of what that actually felt like.

I knew I had to find a path to that experience. And it all started with sex. It’s where my trauma around love stemmed from. Sex is the most vulnerable state women and men find themselves in. I am naked. All of my bodily flaws will be visible. I am raw. You will see everything I need from you and the games I play to get it. I am judged. You will compare me to every other girl. But you will also compare me to this image you have of your perfect woman. Can I come close to attaining it? I am transparent. You can see through all of me. And to achieve full surrender I must trust you’ll see my beauty. That you’’ll feel my power. And trust that I can fully surrender to you. That you will be able to receive it. That you’’ll be able to see it. That you’ll feel the magic when two souls completely intertwine. And that means that you have to love you. So that you are able to see me. And know that I see you. You are naked. I will see no bodily flaws. You are raw. I can see that you really don’t need anything from me. You are not judged. I see the perfection in all that you are. There is nothing to attain. You are perfect…just as you are. You are transparent. I can see through all of you. And I can see that you are radiantly beautiful.

That’s when I experienced fully surrendered sex—the sex where you both fully surrender into trust and love and let all of your walls down. That’s when I had my mind absolutely blown. I had orgasms that were so intense I could barely remember where I was because all I felt was source running through my body. And I had a lot of them…in a row. So many, I commonly lost count. Because when you are fully surrendered no one is keeping score. I felt a kind of love that is simply indescribable. Until you’ve experienced it. And then it’’ like, “Oh my God!” The intensity can’t be measured. It feels purely magical. Like, holy sh*t, this can’t be real? If it was, why wouldn’’t everyone be doing this? Why would women not want to have orgasms like this? Why would women not want to feel love like this? Why would men not want this woman? Why would men not want these kind of orgasms? Why would men not want to feel love like this? Because at the end of the day, don’t we all just want to be loved? Loved fully. Appreciated for who we are when we take our masks off. Loved for just being us. In all our perfect imperfection.

That’s when it became crystal clear. Yes, we want that. But we are scared of the road to get there. That means I have to look myself in the mirror. I have to face who I’ve become. I have to be willing to shed my demons…not conquer them. I have to be willing to feel every negative emotion I’ve been so desperately running away from…fully feel it. Until there is simply nothing. Left. To. Feel. Until I’ve taken it to zero. I had to take every single layer to zero. That’s when you’ll be able to look in the mirror and see you. You are naked. You have no bodily flaws. You are raw. You know that you don’t need anything…from anyone. You are not judged. You see the perfection in all that you are. You have nothing to attain. You are perfect…just as you are. You are transparent. You can see through all that you were and all you really are. And you can finally see you are radiantly beautiful. Just as you are.

And then you can prepare to have your mind-blown. When you finally find that special someone who can love you the way that you love you. Because that’s exactly the way they love themselves.


Author: Nichole Kelly

Editor: Caroline Beaton

Image: all.consuming at Flickr 


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