October 30, 2015

I am Afraid of Losing You.

Photo: Rui Lopes/Pixoto


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“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom; having the most important thing in the world without owning it.” ~ Paolo Coelho

I know that I don’t possess you—but I still find myself scared of losing you.

And I know that we can’t own anyone. My own wild, untamed heart reminds me of this fact every time I feel myself being pulled into the moonlight.

So maybe I am not so scared of losing the physical aspect of you, but rather your energy and the space you fill in my life.

We both know that physically, neither of us have been a huge presence in each other’s lives, but there has been a deep soul presence—we have always been there for each other.

It’s this type of presence that really matters the most.

Maybe it’s not about time spent or dinners shared, but in a connection that can’t be replicated with any other.

You’ve never given me a reason to think that you want to walk away from me for good, your fears appearing like stones being cast onto a frozen pond, rather than manifesting into actions.

And I understand all of your fears, because I simply understand you.

While you confuse me, at times, something about you just makes so much sense to me.

Honestly though, the reason I am scared of losing you and the space that you occupy in my life, is that I have grown accustomed to being left.

I’ve accepted that I am just “too much” and the words of the men who have decided to walk away, sometimes haunt me, no matter what other truths I tell myself.

Although I don’t believe these limiting beliefs anymore, sometimes they nip at my heels as I try to move forward, reminding me about all the times it wasn’t right before.

I don’t know why, but even after all this time, I still find myself waiting to be left.

In some ways, hearing good-bye would make it much easier, because then I would know what to expect—my history would be running true to course.

But deep down, I know that a good-bye will never come from your lips nor mine.

How could it?

Even though our heads may spin and we may wish for an easy out, or at the very least a handful of sweet tasting answers that make sense out of this confusion, we both know that won’t ever happen.

Not only because this is so real, but because you and I have never done “simple.”

Even before we knew what we were doing, we’ve never done it like anyone else.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to talk myself out of being with you, but no matter how deep and dark my lies have gone, I could never truly fall into them.

So, while I am scared at the thought of losing you, I am terrified at the thought of you staying.

I don’t have a single answer this time.

And no matter how many words I spin, trying to make sense of it all, I have no idea what this is and I have nothing to compare it to.

But a voice inside tells me that our relationship could change my life forever, and while I want that and I know that I am ready, I am still scared.

Change is something that I love and embrace, but it still makes my knees shake and my palms sweat.

And I don’t understand how someone who makes me feel so at ease can also make me so damn nervous.

It has been said that when we find your soulmate we won’t feel anything but calm, but I don’t think this applies to anyone who has ever been around someone who literally makes every cell in their body jump in anticipation of touch.

It’s not entirely wrong, because I feel an inexplicable ease when I am around you, but there is also an electrifying energy.

So, while it may not make sense, the truth is, I am most afraid of you staying and changing my life in ways I can’t imagine.

Because change is scary and it’s terrifying to think of letting you in, knowing that I am taking the risk that you may eventually leave.

But, the difference is, even though I am scared, I want a life with you.

I don’t want to say goodbye to this opportunity, because while I can’t explain it with words, I lose any desire to ask questions when I am looking into your eyes.

Somehow whatever I question and fear, disappears while I am sitting on your lap kissing you.

Maybe this is the real key to getting over my fear of losing you—I just need to stop using so many damn words and just use my delicious lips instead.

Because, maybe in the end, this is the only truth that either of us need to know.



Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr

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