I am Tired of Men wanting to F*ck me, but not Love Me. {Adult}

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sexy 1

~

*Dear elephant reader: if you’re single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.

~

“I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

~ Carrie Bradshaw

Sex is great—but love is even better.

It seems that I have become the woman who men want to take to bed, but not wake up to.

I am good enough to strip naked and to have them want to lick my body until I go soft in their hands, but I always fall short of them wanting to give me their hearts.

I have never just engaged in sex with random men and I have never had a one night stand.

But that fact makes this that much worse.

Because these are men who I shared a friendship and intimacy with.

These men know private details of my life and I know their deepest fears and hopes.

We didn’t just share sex—we shared our lives with each other.

But, I was never one who they wanted to share a meal with or the latest movie on a slow, Friday night.

No, I was the one who they would come to when they wanted to feel alive.

They came to me when they wanted their hearts to pound and their blood to pulse, reminding them of the amazing male fire that burns inside.

And while I have been talked dirty to every which way, I have never been told that I am loved.

But the thing is—I am love.

And whether these men would ever admit it to themselves or not—that is precisely why they kept returning.

Because while they would swear until they lost their final breath that it was just about sex—I know better.

Even if these men never loved me—they became drunk off the love I offered them.

They could feel the love in my fingertips on their faces, tracing their lips and the way I would sit back, almost nude, and gaze into their eyes—so open and willing for them to come and get me.

I made them feel loved when they forgot what love felt like.

I showed them writhing desire and the sensual touch of a woman.

But, the thing is, I can’t love when I am not being loved in return.

I can’t keep letting these men into my bed—who have no desire to let me into their hearts.

That’s not to say that I don’t love them—because I do.

Differently, and in ways that can’t be compared, but in the end love is always just love.

But, I can’t keep being an option left simmering on the back burner when I deserve to be the main course.

This time I have to choose myself and loving myself over these sexual encounters.

The saddest fact is, I know that emotions throbbed underneath their fingertips and while the feelings of these men differed, I know that in their own way, each cared deeply about me.

And while I thought I had found my soulmate in one of them—it has to be a choice that both make, not just one.

Though I have smiled and cried over these men, suddenly one day, it became clear what I had to do.

Even though I am going to miss them deeply, I can no longer accept less than the love I deserve.

While it may seem foolish or naïve to some—I want incredible love.

I want someone to wake me up in the middle of the night because they just have to have me—but I also want someone to share a bowl of soup with me on a rainy night.

I want someone to make my back arch, but also someone who will let me fall asleep against his chest.

And while it has pained me to start saying “no” to these men, it means that I am finally saying “yes” to myself.

As much as I love them and the time we have shared, I can’t keep being the reservoir they come to for a refill.

Because, in doing so, I have found myself almost empty.

So, I am making the choice to put love first and sex second.

Next time I let someone touch my body, it will be because they have already let me touch their heart.

And I won’t have to worry about what it all means, because I will already know.

I will be loved.

Next time my back arches and I go soft in the hands of a lover, it will be because they have first opened my heart.

Because as fulfilling as sex is, it’s nothing compared to love.

And while I know that loneliness is waiting just around the corner for me, I am going to try to be okay with that.

Because the love I have for these men has taken up every inch of my heart, I’ve realized that I am worth so much more than just the pleasure I can bring.

I had wished to find my future with one of these men, discovering a love that had grown quietly and silently until it bloomed radiantly.

But, sometimes no matter what we wish for, it doesn’t create reality.

And so this time, the only choice I have is to just simply choose love.

~

Relephant:

If you Want me—Come and Get Me.

Music to Mend a Broken Heart.

Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr/Lianne Vieu

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Kate Rose

Kate Rose is an artist, free thinker, lover, writer, passionate yogi, teacher, mother, rule breaker, and rebel. She can usually be found walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds with the dreams of stars still hanging in her hair, swaying her hips to the music of life and smelling of sweet bourbon and honeysuckle. She lives for adventure and wakes each morning with the excitement of a new day waiting to unfold at her feet. She truly believes the best is yet to come and waits, with bated breath, to see what it may hold. Follow her on TwitterFacebook or Instagram, and find more of her words on her website

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34 Responses to “I am Tired of Men wanting to F*ck me, but not Love Me. {Adult}”

  1. Imene says:

    This article made me cry, cause it is the case for me each time, I even fell desperately in love with one and I was craving for the kind of care that is more than just sexual relation but I had to leave cause he dated another girl and kept running to me just for sex and I deserved a lot more. However, my loneliness continues more and more cause all the guys I get in contact with are askin me to get to bed with them, I feel no real admiration or affection .

  2. Cynthia says:

    You must have been in my heart when you wrote this. I am in the same exact position! I have finally moved on from those who will never love me. This had me in tears. Thank you!!

  3. Jules says:

    I am exactly in this same place. Sadly. Thanks for writing this.

    j

    xo

  4. Julie says:

    I find myself in the same place. Empty sex when I really crave an intimate, loving relationship.

  5. Kim says:

    Finding myself in the same situation. Maybe I’m attracted to the wrong kinds of men. I sure am tired of men trying to use me in this way. I’m not in any kind of hurry for a relationship, but it would be great if someone were at least interested in getting to know me some. I feel like I have plenty of men to have a physical relationship with yet no options whatsoever for the remote possibility of a relationship. Always alone on Friday and Saturday nights with the exception of the late night booty call. I put my energies into pursuing my passions, and when I come home and see my art works, my guitar, my particular selection of books I feel happy, confident and fulfilled. It is imperative that you be your own best friend and discover for yourself how to fill the voids in your life so as not to go looking to fill them with external sources which may be fleeting.

  6. Melzie says:

    I would also cry, but I’m fresh out of tears. As you, I’ve been many things to those I’ve loved – sister, confidant, wife, mother – never a beloved. At times I haven’t known where to start to stop (if that makes sense). I’ve declared never to expose my loving heart too soon, but it happens so easily for us lovers. How is it that we attract everything but other lovers…

  7. Venus says:

    For him: I hear this and for some reason I can only seem to currently dwell on the word “others.” It is a bit absurd, I know, to think I am the only one. I mean I haven’t even got together with you yet and, uh oh, jealousy has managed to drift into my psyche. I have you on the back burner, so to speak, (even if it doesn’t entirely feel that way to me when I consider how often you are on my mind, but that doesn’t count, I know) and I am feeling jealous about others. Yeah, it is silly, but I might as well be honest. I will think about the rest of message contained in this piece too, but right now all I am noticing is that I am dizzy with the thought of knowing that I am not the only one. Also, when I read the piece by Megan about divorce my thought process immediately guessed that she was your lover. Hey jealousy, welcome come on in..I feel your prickly touch. Thanks for this honest piece and I will ride my own waves of feelings for a little while. Love.

  8. Tei says:

    Thank you so much for this article. It is so simply beautiful as your writing has captured me. Thank you for putting into hauntingly beautiful honest words what I would want to express in my heart. I really love this. You are amazing 🙂

  9. Ciaran says:

    Very moving, and very true.

    There is a stunted character to male sexuality. It is unnatural. It seems like a tyranny of men over women, but in truth men are the victims every bit as much as women are, and I would argue more so.

    Women grow up in a world where they are inundated with impossibly powerful images of female sexual beauty, but so are men.

    This corrosively effects women’s body image, but men are not immune. It hits us differently, but no less powerfully.

    If I could sum it up in a single word it would be ‘eclipse’. So total, so ubiquitous are images of extreme female sexual beauty that they just swamp everything else. As a man you meet women in real life, you say hi, you shake hands.

    But around all that seethes this vast cultural ocean of sexualised femininity, and it hits. Kate, it hits like a hammer. I’m in my mid-30’s now and I’m just starting to pull my head above the waterline. I know most women appreciate female beauty, but seem to consistently underestimate how intense it is, emotionally, to be a man in front of a beautiful woman.

    It’s like being hit with a shovel.

    But that’s the world, that’s the backdrop to all our lives as we grow, as we’re finding who we are as men, as we’re trying to find some benchmark that will prove to ourselves that we’re not nobody, we’re not nothing, not full of shit.

    Sex. Sex. Sex.

    Sex everywhere, sex with women so photoshopped they look like cartoon versions of women, and not just porn but everything, everywhere, female sexual beauty as this ultra-high-impact element

    of all cultural forms. Movies, TV, advertising (obviously), magazines and, of course, the internet. Everywhere on the internet.

    You are so right in what you say that you have shown them love when they forgot what it was. You are so right, you hit so hard sometimes, Kate, you hit like a hammer.

    And this is the truth of it, that the need for sexual validation men have is not real.

    It is not real.

    It is a trick that men have played on themselves, believing that they are shallow when they are not. We are none of us shallow, even if we want to be. We can fuck pretty girl after pretty girl and it’s hollow. It is hollow.

    There is this smirking cult of plastic masculinity in our world. It’s patron saint is Joey Tribbiani from Friends. That loveable rogue, fucking all these women, having the time of his life. I’ve known men like that. I’ve been a guy like that. And let me tell you Kate, it wears real fucking thin, real fucking quickly. Then you’re just one more strung-out addict chasing this vanity hit, leaving emotional wreckage in your wake. I’ve been a guy like that too.

    There is no conspiracy behind this, just human need, insecurity and desperation on a massive scale.

    But it’s not hopeless. There is a centre of gravity to all this, and it’s what you say – love. When we cut the shit that’s what we are, that’s what we need, to connect, to be together and care together. I’m not even talking about monogamy. I’m just talking about genuine connection where real vulnerability happens, and real openness.

    Where the connection isn’t just what someone does to get the sex, but the sex is an expression of a connection that goes well beyond the physical act.

    This must be the future of our species. One way or another. This. However we get it done, however we open this up for the world, however we do, this must be our future, because anything less than this is a debasement of women, and of men, and of sex, and of humanity.

  10. ABM says:

    You are a gifted and passionate writer. You correctly describe the “fast food” sex-focused shallow thoughts and actions of too many men. I also agree with Ciaran’s comments on the challenges facing men. Helping men open their hearts and go deeper into their feelings is a worthy cause that will require patience and compassion. I’m happy that you are choosing to put love first and sex second. We all deserve to have intimate and incredible love in our lives.

  11. ABM says:

    You are a gifted writer as you correctly describe the "fast food" sex-focused shallow thoughts and actions of too many men. I also agree with Ciaran's comments on the challenges facing men. Helping men open their hearts and go deeper into their feelings is a worthy cause that will require patience and compassion. I'm happy that you are choosing to put love first and sex second. We all deserve to have intimate and incredible love in our lives.

  12. Bill says:

    Welcome to the club. I will cover the other side of this issue. At 54 I find that this is more a people issue and more about our culture and society than simply a gender thing. Because of media and commerce, women are sold a flawed and self critical ideology about themselves. So when a woman enters my bed she is consumed about her cellulite, her less than perky breasts, her buddah belly, her leg hair stubble, her natural scents and so on and so on. Women are so focused on how they present, they forget that there is someone else in the bed who wants to simply love them for all that they are and be loved in return. No REAL man is expecting any woman over 30 and beyond to look like a 20 something. Media and commerce push these ideas because the majority of department store floor space is dedicated to women altering themselves to fit a certain ideology. So on the other side of this issue women are so body centered they think it is the primary thing they are offering. Because of their body issues they think they have to be sexy instead of understanding the beauty of sensuality and simply loving a man with their soul and essence. I understand the author’s perspective because men are not taught by their fathers how to love women, yet on the other side women are not taught either how to love men.

  13. Brittany says:

    I find peace in knowing that I am not alone in this. Three months ago i did what you speak of in this article. I let go of a man that i truly cared about, and i still miss him today but a part of me knew i deserved and also wanted so much more. I want someone to care about me the way i so openly care about them.Maybe right now in my life I just need to care for myself. The loneliness at times seems palpable but the best thing to do is feel the sadness, cry if you need too and know that you are strong enough to get through this. What you have found and what you are doing is very brave a courageous. This article helped me see how courageous i am too and i thank you for that. I think finding your self worth is a very rare and beautiful thing and hopefully with time the sadness will fade and light will shine through…thank you for helping me see my self worth too

  14. Sandra says:

    Thank you Kate Rose! Just what I needed to read to make my mind up about something I've been thinking about for a while now. And so lovely (and sad) to see that I'm not alone.
    Love & Light <3

  15. Yogagurl says:

    Yes thanks for writing this. Just for the gift that we are not alone. I came across this myself. It was really painful. I couldn’t believe I was being valued only for sex. I personally think if you sleep with someone you should care about them as a person. Not saying there has to be commitment, but there has to be respect and caring about another’s feelings. If not, you shouldn’t be there and they should not be partaking.

  16. Richard says:

    “It seems that I have become the woman who men want to take to bed, but not wake up to.”

    Hi Kate

    Looking at the number of hits for your article and the content of the comments I would say you have become “a” woman who men want to take to bed, but not wake up to not just “the” woman.

    “So, I am making the choice to put love first and sex second.

    Next time I let someone touch my body, it will be because they have already let me touch their heart.”

    I wonder if we can really fix a problem like this with choice and if it was your choices that caused the problem in the first place.

    I’m nearly 50 and have only ever slept with one woman. I had already told her I loved her before we went to bed together. I suspect there wasn’t a lot of choosing involved and that my behavior had been a result of factors over which I have no control – culture, family, parental relationships, friends etc.

    I look forward to reading about how your new relationship perspective works out in reality and perhaps some insight into why you ended up behaving in a way that appears to have been breaking you heart.

  17. stu says:

    Beautiful article and i do understand the sentiment, I do wonder though why people seem to have the presumption they deserve love.

    Now I appreciate they statement may appear incendiary, but bear with me on this.

    If the person comes round and you literally just fuck, then hey what are you hoping for. Human beings love patterns.

    Where is the conversation, connection and understanding of each other, where is the time spent together, honesty and openness which doesn’t mean necessarily let’s go out and watch a movie and not communicate for 2 hours before we fuck.

    Also falling in meaningful love is seriously rare. They have to be ready, you have to be ready to be raw and open, the timing has to be right, so many factors can prevent something working let alone before you start to dig into the truth of who that person is rather than their initial representation.

    Love is an easy word to say. Perhaps what you are really trying to say is respect?

  18. Alex says:

    As cruel as it sounds if you dont love yourself first, no one will do.Everybody deserve love but they have to look within first

  19. Holley says:

    I swear I could have wrote this myself. I completely know this feeling all too well

  20. Misty dee says:

    Omg I love this, I felt like I was reading about my own life. But I wish I was strong enough to pick love over sex, I guess sometimes I get the two confused….??!

  21. Vida de Diamante says:

    My goodness, I love how you write…you speak right to my soul.

  22. kat79 says:

    This article could not have come at a more timely point in my life. I am in this exact situation. I absolutely adore a man, we have an amazing friendship but because of differing views we would not be good in a relationship. The ironic thing is he knows and understands me better than anyone else on the planet, we have a chemistry that keeps drawing us to each other but LOVE…RELATIONSHIP a no no. In my eyes it is so tragic but I have no choice but accept the situation. Thank you for the reminder to choose love and to choose me.

  23. Sara Gonzalez says:

    Thank you!! You’ve must have lived my life! Thank you again! This has come at a time in my life, which I needed to read/hear! It actually made my cry and smile that there’s slot of women out like me who just want love! It’s horrible that we’ve dealt with men like this in our lives, although, this has helped me soo much!! Thank you!

  24. Aza says:

    This is so me I know I deserve way more and I’ve been too good and too forgiving. But I’m tired of waking up alone in my cold bed. Tired of feeling as if I betray them when I’m loyal and they’re the ones that chose other relationships with woman. The silent treatment after he gets what he wants and withdraws then goes to find someone new. Idk what to say I’m sick of it and why I feel sorry for him when I ignore him I have no idea. He acts as if he wants me to go be with another and when he sees I am he all of a sudden wants to see me making me feel wanted again. He’s said nothing to me since the last time other than he’s working. It’s all a game it makes me even more mad at myself and him that why con me into believing it would b something more. I should’ve walked the second he said no relationship he’s done that and doesn’t want it he just wants to hang out. I feel like sending parts of this to him bc I feel I can never get the words out to tell him. And I don’t trust him almost a year and he goes f one thing to another. Thank you for this

  25. Marija says:

    Your article is the same story as has been mine, I understand the pain and the love that you feel, because I went through it. You made the right decision, you decided for yourself and for love. Nothing is more beautiful that sex with feelings of love. Don’t give up, you will find the one that deserves your heart, but for this you also have to keep your heart open.

    Thank you for showing me that we had the same experience and that you had the courage to share it with the world.

  26. Angela says:

    This book has helped me a lot with learning to love myself, put my needs first and not give myself to someone who hasn’t earned it.

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Goddess-Step—Step/

  27. Smitty says:

    This is about the consequence of the choices you made.

    Why didn’t you get to know them for a couple of months before starting to get intimate with them? Note I wrote start to become intimate by which I did not mean “have sex with”.

    Why didn’t you wait for the two of you to fall in love? Then you would have had love and sex.

    You (and everyone else) should have sex when you (or they) are ready to. For some that is after marriage, for some after love, for some after a few fun outings, etc. But whichever way it’s your choice. It’s always been your choice.

    All of the above applies to men and women, straight or gay.

    Accept that the responsibility for your choices (and their consequences) rests with you. This will improve your whole life, not just your love and sex life.

  28. Erin says:

    Thanks you so much for writing this. I bawled my eyes out reading it, it is so accurate a reflection of my life. I often find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I have been told several times that I’m an incredible amazing woman, but even the men I have loved deeply don’t end up wanting me. I have made them feel wanted, alive, and loved – they love the way I make them feel but they don’t love me. For now I have given up on looking for a partner and have resigned myself to a life of solitude because I just can’t handle the idea of giving everything and getting nothing back yet again. It makes me feel less alone to hear so many stories from other women who related so much to your article as well.

  29. Angie says:

    This article really hit home to me. I’ve had the same experience about 3 years ago or more. Looking for love, going to bed with different men seeking connection, until I fell deeply in love with one who was going through a rough time in life. I really cared for him, and I really thought he would appreciate that. Until one fine day he said he was leaving the county. It broke my heart in two, I felt into deep depression after he left, couldn’t even get myself together to eat, didn’t have motivation to do anything, is as if my whole world had been taken away from me, and it seemed so unfair. Cuz At one point I could tell that he was getting emotionally involved as well. After that I was so tired of men, felt used, and I told my self I would never let myself get in a situation like this again. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t going about it in a healthy way. I realized I wasn’t giving myself the self respect and self worth I was seeking in men. And realized that for men to respect and value you, you have to respect and value yourself first. So I decided to give myself a break from men, focus on myself, my career, do what I love which is music and photography, and decided that it’s ok to be alone. It’s not such a bad thing to be single, at times I miss the closeness, the adventure and the passion, but it takes on a different meaning to me. Here I am almost 4 years since my huge heart break and I feel like a huge weigh has been lifted, I feel more of a women than ever before, single, yet strong, I know what I want, I know what I don’t want. When I read this I had tears in my eyes, cuz honestly I haven’t met a women who has gone though this experience and I felt like I could really relate to this, and I’m so glad I’m not alone. Some women don’t understand this, and tell me “you need to get a man girl, ” And I tell them no I don’t NEED to get a man. That is precisely what I was doing and broke myself in the process and forgot about loving myself. So Always put yourself first. It is a sad thing that most men don’t value a women who can really love them. The way the world is today, the mindset, does not help. I am well aware that I might not ever find love in my life ever again, but I’ve learned that I have to be OK with that, and be able to live a fulfilling life, with friends who really care. Sometimes it takes a huge heartbreak to learn valuable lessons that will stick with you for the rest of your life, and I right now I am thankful for that experience cuz I feel like I’ve really grown so much from all that. So, I just wanted to encourage you and everyone who has or is going through this, to keep strong, and that you’ll come out more beautiful and stronger than ever. Thank you for sharing this with us all.

    • Cory Fawn says:

      Angie
      Thank you! I am kind of going through this. It’s with a male friend and we ended up having sex one night while drinking. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship (he had just split with a girl after 3 years) so I understood. I had been single and without sex for one year. It was amazing to say the least, we both agreed! That was 4 months ago and we have continued to have sex and hang out once or twice a week.
      I started having feelings but kept it to myself. Then one day he tells me he’s gonna start dating but he still wants to see me as long as I’m OK with it. My heart shattered. I immediately regretted everything. I should have stopped seeing him then, but I didn’t. He now knows my feelings because my behavior became erratic, I had to tell him. He said he can’t be in a relationship with me because I have a toddler and he needs a woman with more freedom and less stress to bring into the relationship.
      I’ve been on the fence with this for over a month. Although I know I need to go my separate way and I have tried, my heart leads me back. I honestly feel like we’re meant to be together and he’s just scared of change. He’s always treated me kindly and like a queen when we are together. He literally waits on me hand and foot and makes sure I’m comfortable.
      So confused!

  30. Angie says:

    This article really hit home to me. I've had the same experience about 3 years ago or more. Looking for love, going to bed with different men seeking connection, until I fell deeply in love with one who was going through a rough time in life. I really cared for him, and I really thought he would appreciate that. Until one fine day he said he was leaving the county. It broke my heart in two, I felt into deep depression after he left, couldn't even get myself together to eat, didn't have motivation to do anything, is as if my whole world had been taken away from me, and it seemed so unfair. Cuz At one point I could tell that he was getting emotionally involved as well. After that I was so tired of men, felt used, and I told my self I would never let myself get in a situation like this again. That's when I realized that I wasn't going about it in a healthy way. I realized I wasn't giving myself the self respect and self worth I was seeking in men. And realized that for men to respect and value you, you have to respect and value yourself first. So I decided to give myself a break from men, focus on myself, my career, do what I love which is music and photography, and decided that it's ok to be alone. It's not such a bad thing to be single, at times I miss the closeness, the adventure and the passion, but it takes on a different meaning to me. Here I am almost 4 years since my huge heart break and I feel like a huge weigh has been lifted, I feel more of a women than ever before, single, yet strong, I know what I want, I know what I don't want. When I read this I had tears in my eyes, cuz honestly I haven't met a women who has gone though this experience and I felt like I could really relate to this, and I'm so glad I'm not alone. Some women don't understand this, and tell me "you need to get a man girl, " And I tell them no I don't NEED to get a man. That is precisely what I was doing and broke myself in the process and forgot about loving myself. So Always put yourself first. It is a sad thing that most men don't value a women who can really love them. The way the world is today, the mindset, does not help. I am well aware that I might not ever find love in my life ever again, but I've learned that I have to be OK with that, and be able to live a fulfilling life, with friends who really care. Sometimes it takes a huge heartbreak to learn valuable lessons that will stick with you for the rest of your life, and I right now I am thankful for that experience cuz I feel like I've really grown so much from all that. So, I just wanted to encourage you and everyone who has or is going through this, to keep strong, and that you'll come out more beautiful and stronger than ever. Thank you for sharing this with us all.

  31. TahitiNut says:

    I find it impossible for me to separate love and sex.

  32. TahitiNut says:

    I find it's impossible for me to separate love and sex. Many years ago, I tried. It didn't work. Literally. Finally, after several affairs I found myself leaving a woman's bedroom with an apology as I realized I just couldn't "perform" without that connection. I've since found that too many women seem committed to doing exactly that.

  33. jdcinsf says:

    WOMEN: Your expectatIons for men's love and attention are enormous! Please just stop with this emotional hostage you lay on men! no one can satisfy women!!!

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