October 8, 2015

The Break-down for Managing Your Breakup.

 Nadia Morgan/Flickr

 Warning: naughty language ahead! 

Listen. Your time is precious.

I can’t emphasize this enough. One of the biggest regrets I hear from my clients is, “I wasted time with a person who didn’t really love me.” Time is money, it is energy; it is the place where worry, joy, fear, and existence resides.

I want to save you time. And, in some ways, save your life.

It takes perspective. So, if I may, divulge what I know from three years of being a relationship counselor and human being—here goes:

First, you evolve through experience. That is just how life works. Some thought leaders would purport that “You can’t waste time.” Bull-shit.

There are definitely choices that zig your zag onto the fast track while others derail you for years at a time. And some people need a lot of time doing the opposite of what is intrinsic to their being. It takes knowing what you don’t want to understand what you do.

The path is always unfolding.

Basically, if you want to get married and have a family, there is no reason to get on Tinder and hook up with someone who, most likely, does not want anything to do with a structured relationship. Stay on the “hold-out” track rather than the “put-out” track.

And let me be clear, while marriage is no walk in the park, having a partner makes life better. I’m sure you know this.

Maybe you don’t know that having a partner means being a partner. So, in this respect the only mistakes in life are the ones you don’t learn from. It takes time to become the person you want to be with. In other words, you can always make a different choice or a series of different choices.

That being said, breakups can often feel like something that happens to you and not from you.

The second thing I know from the conversations I’ve had with countless clients and friends is that it is a son-of-a-bitch accepting that while you may hold the dream of forever in your heart and all that goes with it, the person who was supposed to be “the person” in that long-haul scenario just isn’t.

The experiences you had with “that one” can’t be duplicated or replaced. And, it is also a son-of-a-bitch when you want to keep choosing to be with “that one” and they don’t choose you. The point is, you have a choice.

Keep the dream alive of coming home, building a life, and reciprocal love. Don’t let that dream die because you or the person you were with didn’t have the capacity to hold it and to rock you steady.

Sometimes the most mature thing we can do is admit, “I’m growing in a direction that is contrary to my capacity to negotiate all the sacrifices needed to stay in a relationship.”

It is up to you to prioritize the cascade of desires that accompany being alive.

Most often, and especially in this fast-speed western culture, survival gets priority most of the time. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard having the conversation about “needing more money.”

Actually, we need more connection.

Abusive relationships both romantically and in the workplace flourish when the focus is on survival. This energy produces less than enough all the time.

Specific to your breakup, which led you to this article because you are searching the internet for the answer to why you could be so severely rejected, disregarded, and your dreams were just shit upon, there are answers.

If you live, you learn. Some lessons will kick your ass—hardcore. When this happens, you have a choice.

The third thing I know from my human experience is that if something feels “off,” it is.

The biggest gains come right after you cut your losses. It can be difficult to know when to do what. At what point do you go from thinking about something to taking action? Right now is the time to make different choices. Even more than this, decide. Decide to give yourself the grace to feel your feelings but don’t let them dictate your behaviors.

Don’t stalk him or her on social media.
Don’t get into another relationship to distract you.
Don’t fuck around with your time.

Do slow down—like, really slow down.

Pour all that pain into being creative. Write, dance, meditate, sleep, eat green, and breathe.

Know this: we are all trying to survive. You are not the only person suffering from confusion. Further, you are not the only person suffering. You are not special in that respect. You can be one of the many people who shines a light into the world, therefore illuminating others because you were brave enough to decide to let your light be bigger than your suffering.

So, the break down is this: choose something else. Ask for help instead of using your suffering to make you feel special. Worry is the absence of faith; turn inward. And slow down. Ask questions like, “What else is possible?” “What would it take for me to receive?” “What can I be right now to experience what I am wanting?” Then pause.


Your time is precious. It is up to you to decide how you want to spend it. That’s it.

And I wish you well-being.



The Laws of Breaking Up & Getting Over it.


Author: Rebekah McClaskey

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photos: Nadia Morgan/Flickr

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