2.7
November 3, 2015

Even After all this Time, my Heart is Still Yours.

lucky

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“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” ~ Paolo Coelho

I don’t know how, even after all this time, my heart is still yours.

Not because you have asked for it, but because it simply is.

Like the guarantee of the sun rising on a bright new day, my love for you is a constant that seems constant despite the seasons of life changing.

My heart is not yours because it has to be, but because that is the way it is meant to be.

As I was sitting in your lap with your hands in my hair, I almost whispered this into your ear, but the words fell silent on my lips.

Not because I didn’t want to say them, but because I knew that you didn’t need to hear them to know the truth.

Because even after all this time, all the confusion and the meandering tears, leaving roads unknown across my cheeks—they always seem to lead right back to you.

It breaks my heart that it still is this way, not because it isn’t amazing or because I would want it any other way.

But because you might choose to never make it yours, and because maybe you’ll never really be mine.

I’ve tried to love anyone but you, but no one ever fit the same way.

There are as many different connections amongst lovers as there as stars in the sky, but our romance has lassoed my soul to yours.

I don’t think that will ever change.

We could spend a thousand lifetimes and still never find in others what we have found in each other—and the truth is, most people don’t ever find it.

But we have—we are the lucky ones.

Yet we are eaten up by fears, doubts and the heavy baggage that is still waiting to be unpacked by the backdoor of our hearts.

When I am kissing you and laughing until I am almost crying, I can’t help wondering when you will realize that it doesn’t get any better than this.

What else is there?

What else really matters at a time like this?

I don’t know how, but even after all this time, my heart is still yours.

Even though I’m not versed in the reality of matters, the truth is I am yours.

It was always this way and I know that it will always be.

I know that a river of uncertainty flows between us, sometimes preventing us meeting each other on a common side—and while I may not know much, I do know my heart.

And I know that while I could come across someone else who is good, he will never be great.

Maybe I just can’t accept “good” anymore because I know how great love can feel—this is the damage you have done.

I won’t say you’ve ruined me, because you haven’t.

In fact, you’ve just made me shine even brighter.

You’ve encouraged me and woken me up, pushed me to look at myself and my actions.

So maybe you haven’t ruined me, but you have made it impossible for anyone else to read my story when all the words are written in the language of you.

No matter how I tried to translate it for others, or erase the versus that tugged at my heart, there simply isn’t room for anyone else to be part of my story.

It’s not because I have to say this, or because I have to be yours.

But it’s because I am choosing it.

No matter what our hearts may say, or how our bodies may tingle, it always comes down to choice.

I know that things haven’t been easy and that we haven’t always made the best decisions—but it seems the harder we try to fight against it, the more we try to ignore this—the more chaos we create, not just for others, but for ourselves too.

I simply wonder when it will finally sink in for you.

And I know the truth is, it may never.

But I still have hope that it might.

That maybe this time, things really could be different.

And I know you are far from where you want to be, and while I have no desire to rush you to do the work on yourself, I know that I will never turn my back on this love, or on you.

I have always had faith that you will figure everything out, at the exact time you were meant to.

Because how long can we really fight this?

How long can we run from this and try to find a fraction of what we hold within the arms of others?

Frankly, I am tired of running.

It’s exhausting lying to myself, and pretending that none of this exists.

I’m tired of explaining away our connection, and I can’t put my blinders back on for even one more day.

It was different when I watched you walk out my front door and down my steps.

I wasn’t walking on air thinking, that this time maybe something will have finally clicked for you, because I’ve seen what fear can do to you—and I know that instead of getting better, things could always get worse.

Before I even heard the thud of your car door closing I had tears quietly running away down my face that you had kissed just moments before.

Because this time I know that my heart is yours, even after all this time, all the hard learned mistakes and all the bitter tasting honest confusion.

I am yours.

Relephant:

I am Afraid of Losing You.

Auhtor: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photos: flickr/martinak15

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