“Clarity and decisiveness come from the willingness to slow down, to listen to and look at what is happening.” ~ Pema Chodron
I never thought I would be the kind of woman who waited for a man, but I was wrong.
It’s not as if this man, who I’m waiting for, is off to war or away getting an education.
I can only hope that he is learning something though.
This position is uncomfortable for me—it is showing me some pretty harsh aspects of myself that I struggle accepting.
I have a hard time letting people into my inner circle—and I’ve realized that I have run from more things in this life than I have stuck with.
I’ve learned that I am terrified of being left, so ultimately I try to leave people first.
The reality is, I am scared of letting someone in.
I am scared of showing them the whole inside out clumsy musings of my soul and having them turn away from me for good.
So, I self-protect or self-sabotage, depending upon the viewpoint.
I push them away or run away, so that in the end, I am the one who is responsible for my pain and I can say that no matter what, the choice was mine.
But for some reason, I just can’t run for good from this man.
No matter what, I always seem to run back to him, just like he does to me.
I sometimes hate that I can’t run from him because it means that I don’t have control over a situation where I may end up with my worst fears manifested into reality.
It hurts to be hopeful and it hurts even more to think that I might really lose this man for good.
And so, I sit here my eyes blurry with tears and I wonder: how did I get here?
For people who come easily to love and relationships, you’re lucky.
Because for the rest of us, the older we get, relationships are anything but easy.
I have heard it said of love:
“The harder the way, the more worthwhile the journey.” ~ Wilfred Thesiger
But, this time I am gambling with my heart and it’s these high stakes that make me want to fold.
I’m not waiting because I am stubborn nor am I waiting because I don’t think that I deserve love or happiness.
I’m waiting because the story isn’t finished yet, because it still feels undone.
And because while it scares the sh*t out of me, there is something about this man that I just haven’t experienced before, in my 30 plus years of living.
The worst part is, I know the same is true for him.
At times, I feel like I am waiting to just have my heart broken, because why would this end any differently than anything else in my life has?
But then I think about everything that he and I have been through.
I think of the amount of time that hasn’t even begun to erase the red thread that connects us.
And I taste our history, rich like a winter’s cabernet and I know that certain truths lay there.
I can’t help him with this though—and for two people who have been each other’s best friends, I feel lost not being able to be there for him through this.
My stomach turns at times when I read messages that make my heart drop—because I don’t know what he will choose and I find myself scared in ways that I have never felt before.
And so I find myself waiting.
Waiting to know if this time will be like all the others or if he will realize how important traits such as complete honesty, friendship and a passionate connection are in the realities of a conscious relationship.
Because the thing is, I don’t even know if he realizes that’s what he’s been seeking this whole time.
He has grown and stretched himself and the reason so many connections have fallen short is that he is after something more.
I can see that in his intentions and in his heart, he yearns for something he can take to the bank.
I can’t help him with this though and I can’t push him to see that he’s being challenged right now to see if he really has grown or not.
Because at some point, we all are faced with the test of falling back into who we were or making the choice to step into the person that we were meant to be all along.
I know this first hand—I’ve been there.
I’ve been challenged to see if I would repeat the same mistakes, and not choose situations that my higher-self knew weren’t what I ultimately needed—or if I would make the choice to take a risk on the unknown.
But he is walking his own path right now—and while I’d wished we would have arrived at the same time, we didn’t.
My only choice now becomes to either run away and self-protect or to stay and wait, actually seeing what will happen if I trust in him and his process.
So while it hurts like hell, I’ve made the choice to wait.
As much as for him as for myself, because this is about me seeing if I am really ready too.
And if I ran, or used another man as a way to forget about him, then I would just be repeating all of my past mistakes.
I’d be repeating all of the ways that I have already tried to erase this man from my life—but thankfully never succeeded.
So this time, my only choice is to simply wait.
And hope that maybe, just maybe, it will be different this time.
Author: Kate Rose
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock
Photo: flickr/Donnie Nunley