I recently had one of those conversations that contained a missing piece of my life puzzle.
The kind of conversation that strings together many experiences into a sense of completion. The kind that finally unveils what I’ve been feeling for years, but unable to properly convey through words.
Someone with whom I had only exchanged a few words asked to go for coffee.
He said he wanted to know my story. Although a rather big question, there was a level of comfort beyond what I normally experience. My words fell out as seamlessly as summer turns to fall.
The depth of the conversation unraveled rapidly. As my unfiltered words came through my recently mended heart, every nook and cranny of my vulnerability was exposed.
There were moments when I realized how much I was saying, and to what depth, and a wave of nervousness would wash over me. I would tell myself to reel it in and stop talking.
He called me on it. He could see right through me.
He saw exactly what I was thinking and, to my pleasant surprise, he found it quite amusing. I was slightly embarrassed feeling so transparent, but at the same time it was so nice to really be seen.
I had shared more personal experiences in a few hours of conversation than I had in my entire last relationship. I mentioned that fact as well.
A look of complete surprise swiftly took shape upon his face. But as the surprise transformed into understanding, with the sweetest eyes he met my gaze and said the most powerful thing someone has ever said to me.
“You’re killing yourself.”
“You have a lot to say, and need to say it.”
“By not doing so, you’re letting a part of yourself die.”
His sharp words pierced my heart and reverberated throughout my entire body.
Those words unlocked a cascade of flashbacks. Many moments throughout my life began to surface.
For years I’ve had a plethora of symptoms, ailments and imbalances. Most practitioners are puzzled by these occurrences happening at such a young age.
Two things that my doctors had previously said to me immediately came to mind:
“If we’re not being our authentic selves, we can never really fully heal.”
“Trauma is subjective. It doesn’t matter what the experience was, if you perceive it as trauma, your body interprets it and stores it as trauma.”
Years of symptoms typically addressed with medication and diagnosed based on a criteria of exclusion. In and out of hospital visits, meetings with specialists, along with a variety of both western and alternative therapies.
Getting to the point where physiologically many things had come to a halt. I was burnt out, I was frustrated and I felt completely defeated.
Unknowingly, I think I was killing myself.
Just to clarify, I understand that there are physical, chemical and biological contributing factors for many ailments and imbalances. But I strongly believe that health is an equal balance of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of the self—all equal contributors.
It’s only in retrospect I see that I was not giving nearly enough attention to the emotional and spiritual aspects of my own health.
The point in time when things were at their worst was also the time I began to become aware that the way in which I was living was not in alignment with what I actually felt, believed and knew to be true.
I was living and speaking in the way I felt I was supposed to be living. Running on an autopilot of sorts.
I was empty. On so many levels.
And I felt blocked with communication, especially verbal. I felt like my words always came out in a confusing way or I couldn’t quite convey what I actually felt.
So I began to write.
The words that come through my pen onto paper come directly from my heart and bypass whatever resistance my spoken words meet.
All the things I wanted to say to other people, from family to friends to people I would meet in passing. All the things that, for some reason, I felt I couldn’t say aloud—I would write. And keep it to myself.
From the pain in my heart to what I desired. I would write, hide it in the safe space of my journal, on a file on my computer or on a piece of paper that I would immediately recycle once complete.
There was a big part of myself that I wasn’t properly taking care of. That I wasn’t feeding, nurturing or tending to by any means.
I was suppressing it and suffocating it.
I was letting a part of myself die that so strongly wanted to experience what it was like to be in full expression.
After hours of eye-opening conversation with my new friend, sorting and sifting through past experiences, I made my way to a doctor’s appointment to receive an IV as part of a treatment protocol.
I looked down at the needle in my arm and I couldn’t help but think of all self-administered poison I had been giving myself all these years—by not speaking my truth, honoring my intuition or living in a way that was in alignment with my beliefs.
On my walk home an overwhelming sadness washed over me. As my eyes welled with tears, I thought about all of the people across the globe who live in a society where they are unable to voice their truth, live out their dreams and communicate how they really think and feel.
I thought about the people in every corner of the world who feel trapped in their own mind or within there own selves.
My brief moment of sadness quickly transformed into frustration.
How dare I keep quiet when I’m lucky enough to live in a land with freedom of speech? How dare we, as a collective, not speak out—not only to only free ourselves, but also for those who do not have the same liberty.
As extensions from source, spirit and creation, we are here to create. We are here to continuously express ourselves as we change and evolve throughout our lifetime.
We are dynamic and incredible beings gifted this amazing opportunity to explore this life.
If we hold back,
If we suppress our creativity,
If we stay silent when we should speak,
We’re letting ourselves die, before we ever really feel alive.
I believe all beings inherent right is to thrive, to feel abundant and to feel alive. To not just continuously cope and get through this life, but to really, truly feel alive.
There is no more time to waste living in any other way.
What a waste it would be to go through the motions of our unpredictable number of days here on this earth without ever feeling alive, without ever experiencing what it’s like to live authentically and speak our truth.
We must live with our feet firmly planted upon the earth and our hearts wide open.
May we all speak our truth, even if our voice shakes.
May we all fearlessly and unapologetically live out our visions, our dreams and our truths.
May we welcome and encourage our brothers and sisters, our global family, to do the same.
For if we don’t, we’re letting ourselves and each other die, before we ever really feel alive.
Author: Alexa Torontow
Editor: Toby Israel
Photo: Used with permission from Jenna Horwitz