3.8

What Love Isn’t.

Freeparking/Flickr

Love is a beautiful thing. We sense that it is freeing, that it can be inspiring, that it is about realizations, truths and connections.

Love connects us all. We are lucky to experience it in any shape or form, and it binds us all.

Hectic, dangerous and confusing as the world can feel—where nations are at war and in turmoil, where people are migrating out of fear, religions at times preach hate, the poor are suffering and the hungry remain hungry—love is the key to freedom. Love is the key to understanding, patience and the connection between us all.

When nations are at war, individuals of these nations only need to get to know each other, to understand each other, to feel each others happiness and pain, in order to let go of ancient or present hatreds and come closer to one another.

Love does that.

It creates the understanding that we are all the same. That no matter our past, our present, our choices, our skills or even our race, we all want happiness, freedom and love.

But what is love? Sometimes, we can get confused about that.

Even though on the level of eternal consciousness we are all bound by love, we can get confused about what true love is.

And in those times, we can make mistakes when it comes to love.

When it comes to matters of the heart, to letting in the light and distancing ourselves from the darkness, sometimes we can confuse lust, curiosity or impure intentions—based on use or abuse of our soul, body and mind by another—as love.

The longing in every human being for connection, intimacy and real feelings, emotions and sharing of the mind, body and heart, can be so strong that we make the wrong connections with people who are out to bring darkness to our light.

As hard as it is to define universal or individual love in words and deeds and give it a precise definition—as it can not be defined or captured by another’s experience of it—when it comes to real one-on-one intimate relations with another human, there are signs though of what love is not.

This is a brief letter I once wrote to myself when broken by love, after realizing that the real deal can never be hurtful or malicious. I finally excluded all that I believe is not love, and believe this to be worthy to share with others, so that the ones who are struggling with an idea of love—suffering at the hands of those who pretend to offer it—can learn from my experience.

It is simple; it is simplistic really, but once we experience what is not truly loving, we can perhaps come to true love, as it can be:

“You know you are not loved when you have that gut feeling. When your intuition tells you that love does not compare, feel defensive, ridicule, hurt intentionally, lie, use bad language to destroy you emotionally, cheat (emotionally) or abuse physically, sexually or mentally.

Love does not want to compete, conquer, excuse itself, pretend, stab or withhold information, understanding or love. Love does not want to use and call itself love; love does not have an end in mind.

Love does not give ultimatums.

It does not exclude, mistrust or abuse trust; love does not twist words, meanings and intentions. Love does not argue that your love is not real, because there is no discussion about love—it is.

It just is.

It does not cease to exist just because you are not a match. Love does not vanish one day, and appear the next because that day was more fun. And last but not least, love does not say, “You are replaceable, because everybody is replaceable,” nor is it linked to that kind of mentality.

For the love of God, if this is anyone’s definition of love in their behavior—it is not love.”

A friend shared once, “One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self, and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.”

I would add that tragedy is even greater if you believe that that is what love should be.

Love accepts. It is liberating, it is enchanting, it opens up your eyes, it lets you breathe—endlessly. It is everything and it embraces everything. It is you, it is me, it is us and the sum of us, and it lasts forever.

So be on the lookout for it; since it is everywhere, we can find it anywhere. We just have to make sure we can recognize it.

~

Author: Yas Knegt

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: Freeparking/Flickr

~

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Tanya Mar 5, 2016 7:21pm

Wonderful wonderful article! Although I have to tell you, the idea behind your article has good intentions. Unfortunately love isn't so clear cut. I had many people tell me to give up on my own "true love" as we both have stood through countless tests as twin flame soulmates. I have to tell you, at first neither of us wanted to believe in this type of a fantasy theory. We were those people, basing most of our thoughts on a logical foundation. Especially being in the science field, this was a given. However, after more experiences then I can count, we both dealt with unusual incidents and we truly started to believe. You see, twin flame connections are meant to be mirrors of each other. One of the highest and purest connections when it comes to unconditional love. However, they are rare and even more so many people don't believe. They are challenging as you go through many many hard lessons so you can develop into your best self. The crazy thing is, your twin will also be going through lessons at the same time and you will be at oddly similar stages of your life. Numbers, synchronicity, all of it. But the thing is, there is so much happiness and true love if both work towards it. We did that, but I gotta tell you the timeline for it was longer than what most approved of. Now that it all has worked out, we always get the "I wish I had a love like that," or wishful thinking from many around us that they wished to have that type of a relationship. I can say now with great confidence that our love is one of the highest connections. We have been happily married for years and have known each other for over three decades. I remember skimming the web looking for some sort of answer, as I felt my situation was complicated. I felt that I wasn't getting what I deserved and being a very strong opinionated woman, I found no problem in voicing my concerns. But we went through a lot in our earlier years before developing an "official relationship." Again, when everyone told me to walk away, I knew in my heart that although the problems were quite serious and important they could be fixed. I never had to deal with any sort of physical abuse or any type of real deal breakers. But it would be a lie, if I said many times it pushed me and I could've left. I was able to keep my individuality, not turn into another person. I'm so glad I stayed. So I have to say, sometimes the best relationships worth having are very hard at times. And yes, I did question why when I was younger I was so patient with a boy who loved me more than anything but was so terrified of this love, especially at a time when he was still trying to figure out himself. You see, he was real, he was raw, and he to this day is a beautiful person. Now he is a man, older and wiser. But I'm happy that I still fulfilled my life goals at those points and continue to do so. But I was compassionate, I did wait as he asked me too because he wasn't yet ready at that point. And it has paid dividends! Regardless of the people who were so sure it wouldn't work out. Sometimes love means waiting especially if the person is right and has good intentions.

Jeanie Feb 9, 2016 8:32am

Thank you so much for being brave and writing what you know to be true. I agree with you even if I would like to stay in denial of the past 25 years in what I see was not love as you described. As hard as it is to face that reality what you list as not love helped me shift out even more. Please write more on this subject. You have it! Means so much…

Sue Jan 30, 2016 7:29pm

The line about losing one's self and accepting the version that other expect of you hit a chord with me because I told someone that I would like a companion or partner but could not take being told what I am not. I have been in several relationships and a marriage and the men were not any better than me and I accepted them for themselves but they all told me what I was not and what I didn't do right. I am fine by myself…I accept myself for the good things I am and my short comings ..they are all part of me.

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Yas Knegt

Yas Knegt is a medical student researcher, writer and at times blogger, who is in love with the quest for creating awareness for medical issues, psychological and emotional issues and the issues that affect the world. She is trying to do that now by way of social media and as a writer. She has had experience with writing about travels, her own hobbies and politics, in her student years, for a student newspaper, and has always shared her writings with friends and family. She is now ready to start, at the moment with small steps, introducing her own experiences, and later more about life and love, and worldly matters, to reach audiences who share the same passion of creating awareness overall.