February 4, 2016

How I Found the Power in Abandonment.


I was sitting on the curb outside my Seattle-based school with my pink jacket and back pack on, waiting for my Dad to pick me up.

He never came.

I was six.

Nothing tragic happened to him; this was just a reoccurring theme. He would call and tell my mom he was coming to get me, so I would sit by the door, looking out the window just waiting for him to come. He never did. She finally stopped telling me he was coming.

It is still painful to re-visit these feelings now. Although I have done a lot of healing work around this experience, it has left a very deep scar. My rational brain can’t understand why a person would fight to keep a child in their life and then abandon them.

This theme continued to show up in my life with my romantic relationships until I was finally ready to face it head on. In every relationship, I was terrified that my partner was going to leave me at any moment, that for sure there was someone more important than me.

I never truly felt valuable, important or worthy.

I had a deep belief that if my own father could leave me, what man could truly want to keep me around?

I was on an endless and tiring journey of looking outside myself to feel worthy of not being abandoned.

My pivotal moment of change came on St. Patricks Day 2012, when I saw my then boyfriend arm in arm with another woman.

We made eye contact, but he didn’t say one word. He kept on walking.

My life at that time looked like this: a 9-5 passionless job, painful break-up and extra weight on my body from emotional eating. I was an unhappy, wilted flower.

Abandoning myself wasn’t allowing me to live a life that felt true, so I decided to heal. I decided to start showing up for me.

It can be so uncomfortable to dive into your past hurts, pains and traumas, but in my experience it was more uncomfortable to keep abandoning myself.

During some pretty intense meditation sessions, I have visited that hurt little girl on the curb and wrapped my arms around her. I have told her she is lovable, important and worth it.

Allowing myself to see my own worth led to me discovering and developing my own gifts and talents, which now allows me to assist others in positively transforming their lives. It’s a win- win!

Whether you’ve experienced abandonment by another or not, it is so common in our society to be asked to abandon ourselves.

Through my experiences, I’ve developed a deep fire and passion within me to empower the hell out of people, to live a life that is true to myself and to empower others to do the same. Battling my own self-worth has taught me that we are good enough, valuable enough and important enough—to not only love ourselves, but to align with the truth of who we are.

The person I needed to be there for most, was me.

The person that needs you the most, is you.

I may have had to learn the hard way, but hopefully you can use my story to rise up and live the life your soul intended.

Author: Tiffany Jolly

Editor: Nicole Cameron

Image: Unsplash/Pixabay

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Tiffany Jolly