Confessions of a Yogi on Lithium.

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The definition of health is choice.

These were the words, uttered by my yoga teacher, Michael, that echoed in my head. He explained that a healthy joint has full mobility and a healthy mind has the choice of what to focus on.

Locked in that hospital, I in no way felt healthy.

I did not have a choice to be there and I did not have the choice to leave. When I was admitted, I was given two shots of Haldol, told when to eat, took the medicine they gave me and waited on a line every day to use the payphone to call my sister.

Knowing what I know now about the “right to refuse” medication and the psychiatric medical process puts my mind at ease (though I wish I didn’t have to know), but at the time it was a terrifying whirlwind with the panic of a One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest-nightmare. The scariest part of the hospital was the time between being in triage and being sent behind the locked door to the ward on the eigth floor. That was when the terror of Nurse Ratched and electroconvulsive therapy took hold of me. Once I was on the ward, I wasn’t free but I was fine. Nurse Ratched was nowhere to be found, nor were there any strait jackets. In fact, the nurses often let me into the fully padded “time-out” rooms to meditate.

I had just turned 19 and was living in Nepal when I had my first manic episode. It wouldn’t be for another five years, when I was 24 and admitted to the psychiatric hospital, that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and finally understood what had happened halfway around the world years earlier.

I liken Bipolar Disorder to an addiction—you have a genetic vulnerability and can be in recovery for years, but the potential of a relapse may always exist. As time passes, the anxiety of a relapse lessens but the potential is always present.

Once I was stable and slowly weaned off some of the stronger anti-psychotics, I began to feel my body again. Michael’s words resurfaced. I had to make a choice. I made two actually:

Choice 1: Be healthy.

Choice 2: Get off these meds as quickly as possible. I considered myself a yogi and these meds were “not pure.”

Getting healthy immediately after being in a psych hospital looked like sleeping—a lot of sleeping. There were daily visits to an outpatient clinic and bi-weekly visits with a psycho-pharmacologist, but mostly sleeping and definitely no yoga. I gained about 45 pounds, but I don’t really know how because with all the sleeping (14-16 hours a day as a result of the medication and the crash), I don’t remember eating much.

I got through it though. I held onto my decision to be healthy, that and something else. First there comes a choice and then there comes grace.

After 18 months under the watchful eye of psycho-pharmacologists, therapists, parents and blood tests, I switched to about 20 Vitamin B supplements a day. The theory, while untested scientifically, was that Bipolar Disorder is the result of a Vitamin B deficiency. It is one of many alternatives I have explored over my 10 year battle.

I knew the seasons that made me antsy, the cities that made me edgy. I guarded my sleep like a dragon with its treasure. During the “extra-sensitive” times, I would walk around the city, subways and streets with my headphones permanently on. After three months of “extra-sensitive” time, no matter how hard I willed these supplements to work, they didn’t. I could feel my mind racing and my sleep dwindling.

I had to make another choice—one that I didn’t want to make. Taking prescription medication was difficult because I was against putting anything but natural products in or on my body. I hadn’t always been like this; in high school I took other “supplements,” but with my partying days behind me, I had traded in Ecstasy for the ecstatic chant.

The idea that I was facing “life without parole” from Lithium didn’t make me feel healthy—in fact, it made me sick. But I chose to take the medication.

The definition of health is choice. Like a mantra.

I came to understand that Lithium is an element, one you can find on the periodic table. It comes from the earth. One time, when I was driving across the country, I stopped at these hot springs in Colorado that are famous for their healing waters. Their secret healing property—lithium is in the water.

Every choice has an effect though, including mine. What makes it hardest to practice yoga is the vertigo. It’s a scary feeling when doing twists, inversions and even simple backbends feels impossible.

Sometimes I don’t want to face myself in comparison to what I was able to do only a few years ago. That’s when it is time to take a pause, breathe and feel what the moment is—vulnerable and present. Brene Brown says, in her book Daring Greatly, “Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame it begins to wither”. That’s another side effect, learning to confront shame fearlessly.

The lessons I have learned from yoga and my health is that they look nothing like I thought they would. They are both a dialogue.

When I began my yoga practice, I had a very clear idea of what that should look like. It involved a mat, a teacher, a studio and a $20 per class fee. Fifteen years later, my practice resembles more of what I saw in Nepal when I began to learn yoga. My practice looks like meditation (lots of it), gentle poses (often in my home) and lots of prayer.

I look back now to when I thought I had full moving joints and was healthy. I couldn’t even begin to know what that meant until I actually had to choose.

 

Author: Jan Lauren

Editor: Nicole Cameron

Image: Lena Bell/Unsplash

 

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Jan Lauren

Jan Lauren Greenfield is a mixed-media artist, strategist, yoga teacher, writer and lover of creating beautiful spaces & brands. Her work explores the crossroads of spirituality, culture and art. Her photographs have appeared on Vogue Italia online. She was the founding director at Studio 360 Yoga and Spin Studio, ranked by Details Magazine as one of the top 12 new boutique gyms in America in 2014. Born in New York City, she began practicing yoga in Nepal at age 18. She is an E-RYT 200 yoga teacher, is certified in art therapy in Painting Your Personal Mythology and is a Wilderness First Responder. Her book “My Beautiful Bipolar Mind: Fire on the Mountain” ( Classic Day Press, 2014) is available on Amazon. More of her work can be viewed on her website.

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anonymous Mar 12, 2016 6:31pm

Thank you for sharing this, for sharing yourself.

anonymous Mar 7, 2016 8:11pm

Thank you so much for writing this and your sharing so openly about what you’ve been through. As someone who has also been through a very similar experience, including the psychiatric hospital which was horrifying, carrying a diagnosis of “bipolar” myself, it is healing to hear of others experiences with it. I also have had to change my views about what “health” and “being healthy” is and as a dancer as well as expressive arts therapist am constantly challenged by what society labels us, decides to treat us as, and tries to push on us, versus our own lived experience with “mental illness” , the very ideas of illness vs. health which are so different the world over and the choices we make to live the best life possible. The stigma won’t end until more of us speak out and share our stories, so thank you for setting this powerful example. Also from my own personal journey with it, I feel that so much of this has to do with “energy” and being psychically more open, something so many of us are only beginning to understand/learn about, even though we all carry the capacity for it, so I’m really curious to see what we will discover about this as time goes on.

anonymous Mar 7, 2016 9:59am

I think that coming to realize that things – your life, the world – do not look like you expected them to, and probably never will, is a realization leading toward wisdom.

anonymous Mar 7, 2016 8:12am

Lovely. Thank you.

anonymous Mar 6, 2016 6:37pm

I love this article. I can relate to it so much, it brought tears to my eyes. But in a good way. I love how you’ve been able to choose to be healthy even if it wasn’t in line with what you originally thought was “healthy”. I’ve been “there”. Definitely not in the exact same shoes or exact same circumstances, but very similar and I feel I can relate. It’s nice to have people open up about this. I used to take lithium until I found out that wasn’t the medication I needed. I used to be so scared of people finding out that’s what I took due to the “mental illness” stigma. Now I’m still on medication, but doing so much better. And not just because of the medication. But because I decided to be better. To truly try and that happened when meditation and yoga where included into my daily routine. Thank you for this article as well as your openness!

anonymous Mar 6, 2016 12:01pm

Somehow, all the strengths and talents and gifts we possess at the beginning of our lives are the ones we'll be needing to overcome the challenges we face in our lives. Physical beauty? If we're lucky enough to get it, we'll need it just so survive. Intelligence? Same thing. The greater the gifts, the greater the challenges.

Long ago, shortly after fully realizing this curse-of-the-gifted, I met the daughter of a friend of mine. She was astonishingly beautiful, both physically and in her personality. On top of that, she was intellectually brilliant and possessed of a mind that made everything easy for her. I was stunned … not only with her attributes but with the enormity of the challenges I knew she'd have to face. Sure enough, in less than 15 years after meeting her, I watched as her 'world' collpased and she was confronted with challenges that I pale to contemplate. As I write this, I'm glad to say she came through. So far. Barely.

It's not much wonder to me why so many of the most financially successful folks are so stupid, morally impoverished, and ordinary-looking. They were never meant to face the toughest challenges.