In my private practice as a sex and relationship coach, many of my female clients tell me they are grossed out by fellatio.
On top of that, they feel guilty about not wanting to give their partner oral sex, and will occasionally do it out of a sense of obligation.
I get it! I used to feel the same way. For many years, even the thought of my mouth anywhere near the general vicinity of a man’s penis made me feel like I was about to gag and then throw up a little and then probably die.
I had lovers who loved going down on me and I wanted to return the favor—but wanting to want it just didn’t seem to make me actually want it.
I, like my clients, would do it few times out of obligation, usually while squeezing my eyes tightly shut, holding my breath, and pretending I was eating a snow cone.
That never went so well.
The truth was, it wasn’t just fellatio I wasn’t interested in. I spent years of my adult life uninterested in sex in general, thinking I was just cursed with a low libido. When I did have lovers, I rarely had the desire or energy to do or give anything back to them sexually, especially not oral sex.
So, if someone had told me years ago, that I would one day love giving head, I would have told them they were nuts (pun intended).
But it’s true. I’m now a woman who loves fellatio. In fact the thought of a penis in my mouth now makes my mouth water instead of feeling like I’m gonna gag and then keel over.
What I discovered in my own healing journey around sex was that doing anything (not just fellatio) out of sense of obligation did harm to my body. And that to actually have a desire to give my partner oral sex, I had to radically change the way I related to sex.
It’s not just the one act of fellatio that needs to be revamped if you are to love it—it’s your entire relationship with sex.
Here’s a three step process I teach my private clients that can help anyone radically revamp their relationship with sex and awaken a true desire for fellatio.
1. Sensation over Obligation.
So many of the women I talk to tell me that they have sex or engage in sex acts when the don’t want to out of a sense of obligation. When we engage in anything sexual out of a sense of guilt or obligation, sex usually feels like work instead of pleasure. Each time we have sex out of obligation, we create a cellular memory in our body that sex is a chore. And, then we start to want sex less and less.
The reason we call fellatio “blow jobs” is because they often feel that way to women—like a job.
If sex feels like a job to you, I invite you to practice sensation over obligation. When being intimate with your partner only do what actually creates pleasurable sensations for the both of you.
When you do this you will start to uncross the wire that sex is a chore and open up to more pleasure.
Most partners will be happy to go through this process with us, because they will want us to experience more pleasure. Sex and sex acts done from a place of pleasure are exponentially more enjoyable for both partners. If you have a partner who acts like you owe them anything sexual and you wish to stay in that relationship you might want to consider sex therapy.
2. Deeply Open up your Sexual Energy.
This step is vital! To love fellatio we have to be filled to the brim with our own sexual energy. When we are overflowing with our own sexual energy, we won’t be able to keep our hands or our mouth off our partner.
The best way I know how to open up sexual energy as a woman is through a daily somatic (body-based) sexuality practice. There are lots of body-based practices out there but the two I recommend and teach my private clients are Orgasmic Meditation and pelvic breathing practices. You can do a simple google search to find out about these and other somatic sexual practices, or check out my website.
Personally, I think low-libido is a myth and the real reason why so many women have little interest in sex is because their sexual energy is blocked. A somatic sexuality practice is a great way to unblock our system and get that energy flowing.
3. Do it for your pleasure.
When you are filled to the brim and overflowing with your own sexual energy and find yourself with a real desire to give your partner oral sex, by all means do.
However—only give oral sex in a way that feels good to you. When I’m going down on a lover, I focus on what feels pleasurable to me and I do that and only that.
I might want to be down there a half hour, or only a few minutes. I might like to take all of him my mouth, or just the tip. I follow the thread of my own pleasure and make that my point of connection with him. I don’t do it for him—I do it for me and because it feels good to me. When I do it for me, he is free from the feeling of owing me anything. And that is when oral sex gets really hot for the both of you.
There are many articles and videos out there about fellatio that try and teach us techniques for better oral sex. Sure, learning some techniques could be helpful, but if we are not turned on by oral sex it will always feel terrible for us and lackluster for him.
What I’m suggesting in this article is not a quick fix to better oral sex, but a process of deeply reconnecting to your sexual energy. When we do that we will more than likely discover a genuine desire for fellatio and a deeper connection to our partner.
Author: Sarah Kennedy
Editor: Sarah Kolkka