“I don’t know if I chose that train, or if that train chose me.” ~ Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants
I’m not the type of person who normally has regrets.
I’ve made many mistakes in my lifetime, but I’ve never dwelled on them.
But you—you’re the one mistake I regret making.
Sometimes I stare into nothingness and rewind to the time when I first met you. You were sitting on the sidewalk outside a café and I was crossing the road in front of you. We drowned in each others’ irises for a moment, then got lost in unspoken words.
I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t crossed that road without losing myself in you. Perhaps if I hadn’t looked at you, you wouldn’t have almost killed yourself to find me again. And find me again you did.
But was it really you? Or did the universe place us in particular spots to make it impossible not to glimpse each other?
I wonder what would’ve happened if I had opted to not be found. Maybe if I was a little bit more of a b*tch and refused to chat with you over coffee, my life would’ve been different.
Perhaps my mornings would’ve been full of smiles and roses instead of tears and thorns. Maybe—just maybe—I would’ve been a little happier.
Meeting you left me wondering if we are predestined or if we have the free will to create our own destiny.
Because my love, if I am free to create mine, I would’ve chosen never to meet you.
Never before had anyone brought such chaos into my life, and ironically, no one had ever shaken my soul like you.
I hate you as much as I love you. I wish to never see you again, as much as I wish to never leave the safety of your arms. And I wish I had never met you, as much as I wish to spend every given second with you.
I hate that I’m so attached to you. I hate how much I’m scared to lose you—even though I know I won’t really be losing if you are gone.
I am the nail and you are my hammer. You keep beating me down, even though it’s clear I’ve hit the core of agony. Maybe if I had never met you, I wouldn’t be playing this role. Perhaps I would’ve remained someone who only wishes to be loved and lost in another human’s heart.
The good news is, I have accepted my destiny. The sad news is, I’m not sure if I was the one who created it.
And the awful news: I know I can’t undo it.
We waste so much time trying to figure out if we are the marionette or the puppeteer. But I believe some people are meant to be in our lives—regardless of who’s in the director’s chair.
So if you were my destiny, I will learn to accept it.
I will plant dying seeds hoping they become fruitful trees one day. I will write melancholy words hoping they transform into joyful odes. I will look at you hoping to see you as someone I never met.
If you were my karma, I’m ready to pay it all. Because although I knew you in this lifetime, I promise not to in the next.
Author: Elyane Youssef
Editor: Nicole Cameron
Image: Mario Mancuso/Flickr