If your child experiences anxiety, you may want nothing more than to transfer your love, compassion and problem-solving skills to assuage their worry.
Yet, when children are in the throes of an anxious experience, sometimes we feel tongue tied or as if our efforts are fruitless.
For moments like these, keep this list of 50 phrases to help your child identify, accept and work through anxiety.
1. “I know how you feel.”
We have all been anxious. Sometimes anxious kids just need to be heard and validated. While you may not be able to relate to the reason for their anxiety, you can certainly relate to how anxiety feels.
2. “Repeat this pattern after me.”
Rhythm has a strong connection to relaxation. This is why the rhythmic beat of rain against a roof or ocean waves are included in meditative music. Clap a basic rhythm and have your child repeat it. Come up with longer and more complex rhythms until one of you messes up. Not only does this game bring out your child’s competitive side, it focuses the nervous system on a task rather than a stressor.
3. “I love you. You are safe.”
Being told that we will be kept safe by the person we love the most is a powerful affirmation. Remember, anxiety makes your child feel as if their mind and body are in danger. Repeating that they are safe can soothe the nervous system.
4. “Let’s pretend we’re blowing up a giant balloon. We’ll take a deep breath and blow it up to the count of five.”
If you tell a child to take a deep breath in the middle of a panic attack, chances are you’ll hear, “I can’t!” Instead, make it a game. Pretend to blow up a balloon, making funny noises in the process. Taking three deep breaths and blowing them out will actually reverse the stress response in the body and may even produce a few giggles in the process.
5. “Let’s play catch.”
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is known for his psychological research in something he calls, “flow.” The idea behind his theory is that the nervous system can only process so much information at a time and repetitive tasks such as playing catch or knitting actually trick the nervous system into focusing on the task rather than the stressor. The feeling that the world has melted away is what you’re after, the activity you choose doesn’t matter as much.
6. “I will say something and I want you to say it exactly as I do: ‘I can do this.’”
Do this 10 times at a variable volume.
Marathon runners use this trick all the time to get past “the wall.”
7. “Why do you think that is?”
This is especially helpful for older kids who can better articulate the “why” in what they are feeling.
8. “What will happen next?”
If your child is anxious about an event, help them think through it and identify what may come after it. Anxiety causes myopic vision, which makes life after the event seem to disappear.
9. “We are an unstoppable team.”
Separation is a powerful anxiety trigger for young children. Reassure them that you will work together, even if they can’t see you.
10. Have a battle cry: “I am a warrior!”, “I am unstoppable!” or “Look out, World, here I come!”
There is a reason why movies show people yelling before they go into battle. The physical act of yelling replaces the fear you are experiencing with endorphins. It can also be fun.
11. “If your feelings were a monster, what would it look like?”
Giving anxiety a characterization means you take a confusing feeling and make it concrete and palpable. Once kids have a worry character, they can talk to their worry.
12. “I can’t wait until _____.”
Excitement about a future moment is contagious.
13. “Let’s put your worry on the shelf while we _____ (listen to your favorite song, run around the block, read this story). Then we’ll pick it back up again.”
Those who are anxiety-prone often feel as though they have to carry their anxiety until whatever they are anxious about is over. This is especially difficult when your child is anxious about something they cannot change in the future. Setting it aside to do something fun can help put their worries into perspective.
14. “Just take one more step than before.”
Anxious children sometimes need to be pushed to take one more progressive step, especially when they are trying something new. If your child is afraid of climbing the ladder to the slide, asking them to take one more step than before will eventually help them make it to the top.
15. “Let’s count _____.”
This distraction technique requires no advance preparation. Counting the number of people wearing boots, the number of watches, the number of kids or the number of hats in the room requires observation and thought, both of which distract from the anxiety your child is feeling.
16. “I need you to tell me when two minutes have gone by.”
Time is a powerful tool when children are anxious. By watching a clock or a watch for movement, a child has a focus point other than what is happening.
17. “Close your eyes. Picture this…”
Visualization is a powerful technique used to ease pain and anxiety. Guide your child through imagining a safe, warm, happy place where they feel comfortable. If they are listening intently, the physical symptoms of anxiety will dissipate.
18. “I get scared/nervous/anxious sometimes too. It’s no fun.”
Empathy wins in many, many situations. You may even strike up a conversation with your older child about how you overcame anxiety.
19. “Let’s pull out our calm-down checklist.”
Anxiety can hijack the logical brain—carry a checklist with coping skills your child has practiced. When the need presents itself, operate off of this checklist.
20. “You are not alone in how you feel.”
Pointing out all of the people who may share their fears and anxieties helps your child understand that overcoming anxiety is universal.
21. “Tell me the worst thing that could possibly happen.”
Once you’ve imagined the worst possible outcome of the worry, talk about the likelihood of that worst possible situation happening. Next, ask your child about the best possible outcome. Finally, ask them about the most likely outcome. The goal of this exercise is to help a child think more accurately during their anxious experience.
22. “Worrying is helpful, sometimes.”
This seems completely counterintuitive to tell a child who is already anxious, but pointing out why anxiety is helpful reassures your child that there isn’t something wrong with them.
23. “What does your thought bubble say?”
If your child reads comics, they are familiar with thought bubbles and how they move the story along. By talking about their thoughts as third party observers, they can gain perspective.
24. “Let’s find some evidence.”
Collecting evidence to support or refute your child’s reasons for anxiety helps your child see if their worries are based on fact.
25. “Let’s have a debate.”
Older children especially love this exercise, because they have permission to debate their parent. Have a point/counter-point style debate about the reasons for their anxiety. You may learn a lot about their reasoning in the process.
26. “What is the first piece we need to worry about?”
Anxiety often makes mountains out of molehills. One of the most important strategies for overcoming anxiety is to break the mountain into manageable chunks. In doing this, we realize the entire experience isn’t causing anxiety, just one or two parts.
27. “Let’s list all of the people you love.”
“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer.” ~ Anais Nin
Love is anxiety’s greatest killer as well. By naming all of the people your child loves, and why, love will replace anxiety.
28. “Remember when…”
Competence breeds confidence. Confidence quells anxiety. Helping your child recall a time when they overcame anxiety helps them feel confidence in their abilities.
29. “I am proud of you already.”
Knowing you are pleased with their efforts, regardless of the outcome, alleviates the need to do something perfectly—a source of stress in a lot of kids.
30. “We’re going for a walk.”
Exercise relieves anxiety for up to several hours as it burns excess energy, loosens tense muscles and boosts mood. If your child can’t take a walk right now, have them run in place, bounce on a yoga ball, jump rope or stretch.
31. “Let’s watch your thought pass by.”
Ask your child to pretend the anxious thought is a stopped train at the station above their head. In a few minutes, like all trains, the thought will move on to its next destination.
32. “I’m taking a deep breath.”
Model a calming strategy and encourage your child to mirror you. If your child allows you, hold them to your chest so they can feel your rhythmic breathing and help regulate theirs.
33. “How can I help?”
Let your child guide the situation and tell you what calming strategy or tool they prefer in this situation.
34. Would you rather…
This game, pitting two impossible situations against each other, is a way to put your child’s anxiety into perspective. If they are anxious about going to school, ask, “Would you rather go to school or clean the toilets in the boy’s bathroom with your toothbrush?” Not only is this a way to be silly, but it also gives your child a chance to put their anxiety on a spectrum of anxious situations.
35. “Let’s squeeze this stress ball together.”
When your child directs their anxiety to a stress ball, they feel physical and emotional relief. Buy a soft rubber ball, keep a handful of play dough nearby or make your own homemade stress ball by filling a balloon with flour or rice.
36. Let’s break it down.
Everything seems like a huge deal in the midst of anxiety. Breaking the task or experience into manageable parts helps your child see they have the ability to overcome their fear, and it more clearly defines what is causing their anxiety.
37. “I know this is hard.”
Acknowledge that the situation is difficult. Your validation shows your child that you respect them.
38. “I have your smell buddy right here.”
A smell buddy—a fragrance necklace or diffuser filled with lavender, sage, chamomile, sandalwood or jasmine—can calm anxiety.
39. “Tell me about it.”
Without interrupting, listen to your child talk about what’s bothering them. Talking it out can give your child time to process their thoughts and come up with a solution that works for them.
40. “You are so brave!”
Affirm your child’s ability to handle the situation, and empower them to succeed this time.
41. “Which calming strategy do you want to use right now?”
Because each anxious situation is different, give your child the opportunity to choose the calming strategy he wants to use.
42. “We’ll get through this together.”
Supporting your child with your presence and commitment can empower them to persevere until the scary situation is over.
43. “What else do you know about (scary thing)?”
When your child faces a consistent anxiety, research it when they are calm. Read books about the scary thing and learn as much as possible about it. When the anxiety surfaces again, ask your child to recall what they’ve learned. This step removes power from the scary thing and empowers your child.
44. “Let’s go to your happy place.”
Visualization is an effective tool against anxiety. When your child is calm, practice this calming strategy until they are able to use it successfully during anxious moments.
45. “What do you need from me?”
Ask your child to tell you what they need. It could be a hug, space or a solution.
46. “If you gave your¬¬ feeling a color, what would it be?”
Asking another person to identify what they’re feeling in the midst of anxiety is nearly impossible. But asking your child to say how they feel with a color gives them a chance to think about how they feel relative to something simple. Follow up by asking why their feeling is that color.
47. “Can I give you a hug?”
Give your child a front hug, a hug from behind or let them sit on your lap. The physical contact provides a chance for your child to relax and feel safe.
48. “Remember when you made it through _______ (a different stressful situation)?”
Reminding your child of a past success will encourage them to persevere in this situation.
49. “Let’s write a new story.”
Your child has written a story in their mind about how the future is going to be. This future makes them feel anxious. Accept their story and then ask them to come up with a few more plot lines with different endings.
50. “I love you exactly as you are.”
There is something about anxiety that sometimes makes us feel inherently unlovable. Sometimes all we need is reassurance that we are loved, anxiety and all.
Author: Renee Jain
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock