All She Ever Wanted to be was Someone’s First Choice.

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Pixabay: https://pixabay.com/en/girls-woman-female-beautiful-youth-602168/

“I just want to be someone’s first choice. Not second, or third, or someone they only want to keep as a secret on the side. But someone’s first choice.” ~ Whisper

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Her needs were simple and few—all she ever wanted was to be someone’s first choice.

She breathes love as the wind moves the clouds above fields rich in their emerald lushness. She feels it radiate in her heart and shine out through her eyes so full of hope, because she loves with the force of a thousand armies yet with the softness of momma’s arms.

She doesn’t just love—she is love.

Yet it seems that no matter how sweet her kisses are, or how pure her heart, she is just never the first choice.

It’s not that she always questions her worth, but it just seems that no one else can read the language of her heart, no matter how many times she bares it.

She’s thought that once or twice it may happen—that someone would stand up and say that he chooses her above all others—but then reality would creep in like the black smoke churning from a midwinter’s fire, and she’d be left alone and shaken to her core once again.

Sometimes she was partially chosen, in pieces and bits for those parts of herself that they loved to taste. But regardless of how sweet her smile, or how hot her bare skin burned, no one’s ever stayed and said they wanted more.

Perhaps if she’s honest, she’ll admit that sometimes she’s wondered if she was unlovable—that maybe it was her lot in life to remain without someone to hold her close during the dark nights that sometimes seemed too long.

She doubted her truth and wondered if there was something wrong with her—if she just loved too strongly or too differently. Possibly she was just a little too passionate, or maybe it was just that the fire burned so bright behind her eyes that anyone who dared come close enough feared they’d be burned up within the flames.

Yet even on occasions when she’s wondered what was wrong with her that no one ever chose her, she knew deep down it had nothing to do with her at all.

If she’s honest, she’ll admit that at times she’s settled for less than she wanted—just to feel the way a man’s hands got tangled up in her long hair and how intoxicating words slung in sugar could be when they were tossed out underneath the barren blood moon.

She wanted to be someone’s first choice so much that she she hung onto the men who promised someday, and just not right now, because it was the draw of a potential high that kept her addicted—the lure of having something she’s never had before.

Yet when days dragged into weeks, and weeks became buried by months, she knew that (once again) she wasn’t the first choice. Maybe she wasn’t even the second or third, but really all along it was a secret so seductive it couldn’t ever be whispered aloud.

She knew that maybe it was just that she was in a different category all together—that perhaps she wasn’t the typical girlfriend type and that wives weren’t supposed to look or act like her—and so, maybe it was just that none of these men ever truly knew what to do with her.

Yet, even though none of them ever choose her, even fewer could stay away for good.

It was painful not being good enough to be seen out dancing underneath the streetlights together or sharing a glass of wine as the sun dipped below the mountains—yet once the moon rose high, it seemed there wasn’t any other place these men wanted to be.

If it had just been about sex all of the time, then it might have been easier for her to barricade her door to these men once and for all—but it never was.

She knew that she touched a special place in each of these men, but perhaps it was too electrifying or too deep, because regardless of how they cared for her or what an amazing woman they thought she was—she just wasn’t the type to be their first choice.

It hurt her—more than she’ll ever admit—to have loved these men, who in the end pretended as if they barely knew her, those who made it seem so effortless to walk away from her and her blue-green eyes that rippled like the north Atlantic. But she was used to this role, and so it was one that she knew how to play brilliantly—that is, until she lost the ability to pretend that it didn’t matter.

Because once she took off the shrug of her shoulders and the toss of her hair, all she was left with was a cold lonesome bed—and as she would crawl beneath the heavy comforters, she would wonder how a bed so full of life and pleasure could ever be left as frigid and empty as the one she now occupied.

For a while, she pretended that it didn’t hurt—and she just simply chose herself, thinking that at least she could put herself first, even if no one else could.

While she found happiness once again, and became impassioned about the way the moonlight radiated off her skin and how the sunrise always seemed to understand, she realized that just because she had chosen herself, it didn’t mean that she still didn’t long to be someone else’s first choice too.

She doesn’t doubt her worth anymore, and instead she knows that it’s just going to take someone truly spectacular to understand the song her heart sings.

She knows that he is out there somewhere, wishing for a woman exactly like her—and that when they finally do meet, nothing about her will scare him. Except maybe the thought of losing her.

.

Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Pixabay

Relephant:

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Kate Rose

Kate Rose is an artist, free thinker, lover, writer, passionate yogi, teacher, mother, rule breaker, and rebel. She can usually be found walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds with the dreams of stars still hanging in her hair, swaying her hips to the music of life and smelling of sweet bourbon and honeysuckle. She lives for adventure and wakes each morning with the excitement of a new day waiting to unfold at her feet. She truly believes the best is yet to come and waits, with bated breath, to see what it may hold. Follow her on TwitterFacebook or Instagram, and find more of her words on her website

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Susan Ryan Jan 27, 2019 9:36am

This writing moved me deeply. Thank you for saying what’s been in my heart.

Alyson Follenius Dec 26, 2018 8:07pm

What an incredibley beautiful piece. It stuck a huge cord in my heart and pulled the words out that I have never been able to find. Thank You.

sallie cooper Dec 26, 2018 8:39am

wow. just wow. i’m not the only one. brought me to tears.

ireneich Dec 23, 2018 10:06am

SIGH! this is exactly how I feel lately. UGH!

carpediem5280 Dec 23, 2018 7:24am

Most relatable “relationship” article I’ve ever read. Thank you.

Onhighspeed Dec 18, 2018 2:04pm

Wow. Word for word (except for the eye color), I could have written this. I’ve always been a ‘different’ girl…I love all things cars, I’m a photographer, I’m taller than 98% of all other women, I’m passionate and sensitive to a fault, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I fall too fast and love too hard. And I’ve come CLOSE to being #1 several times. But they always leave. The most difficult thing I’ve had to deal with is each one started dating right away and THAT is the girl they married. It’s like I got them all tidied up, helped them become better men, just for them to leave and use this newfound growth for the next woman.
Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. And it sucks.

    ireneich Dec 23, 2018 10:05am

    Same here. My exs got married really quick after our relationship ended. Always. I don’t even understand this Universe any more. I’m so tired and I feel like if I give up I will send the Universe the wrong message by saying “I really don’t want anyone in my life”. Sometimes I wonder if that is what it wants… Paradox is what best describes this world…

angela.m.prine Dec 18, 2018 1:36pm

Thank you soo much for speaking the words of your heart! I’ve felt like this for years and thought I was cursed or the only one!

Erika Moore Dec 17, 2018 5:56pm

Well that just sums up my life. Everything I’ve ever thought about myself in one essay. Thank you for putting into words what I could never convey.

Kirk Dailey Dec 10, 2018 5:45pm

Such a beautifully written piece. My struggle is that I lived this in reverse for 20+ years, until I left to get my soul back. However, the compartmentalizing I did to cope and protect my heart resulted in habits that are hard to break now that I have found a woman who is number one, when we’re in the same compartment. When I’m in a different compartment (work-related or my kids) I haven’t been consistently keeping her number one, much to her frustration. I just recently came to that realization and am doing the work to be intentional not just in my words, but more importantly in my actions. With a heavy heart…

    Angela P Dec 17, 2018 4:27pm

    Kirk, thanks for sharing. I’m searching for answers to a recent breakup with a soulful man. My ex bf and I used the compartment analogy a lot. It helped me to understand how he thinks. But in the end, I ended up folded up and tossed aside. Is there anything she could do to help? Or is this all yours?

      Kirk Dailey Jan 17, 2019 8:14pm

      My apologies Angela, but I am just now seeing your reply. Not sure how EJ lets us know about responses to our comments, but here goes. Like most things that go on in any relationship, there are things that the both of you can do to work through the compartmentalization. The easiest and best thing to do is talk about expectations in advance of a change in compartments. Another thing is to recognize it for what it is and let it be what it is. Meditation has helped me tremendously, to think about what I think about. Reacting negatively to a situation puts negative energy out there, which doesn’t attract positive energy, but rather more negative. You certainly don’t have to be a door mat, but look within to see what triggers you to react to compartments.

Becky Snyder Barnhart Nov 19, 2018 3:35am

Ahhh, Kate. Just the title of this article makes my heart hurt. I avoided reading this for two years because it hurt so much. I am totally fine with being alone, and making ME my OWN first choice, but to be perfectly honest, I really do hope that your last parapragh is true. I really would like to share forever with someone who thinks as much of me as I think of them.

Glenda Nilsson Collins Sep 5, 2018 2:51pm

These words apply perfectly to my two long term marriages. For 25 and then 21 years I gave all I had in the "malignant hope" my love would be fully returned. And it was not "the other woman". It was Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde, and me. I'm 67 now and wondering how to begin again. To trust if such a thing is possible. Meanwhile, all that sunshine I've been showering others with? I'm turning that on myself.

Hellen King Aug 24, 2018 9:42am

Be your own first choice, put yourself and your needs first. Don’t rely on someone else. The rest will follow.

Bidisha Sengupta Aug 2, 2018 6:12am

This was therapeutic! To see my ownself in this article.. calmed me down... I am not alone..

Amber Harrison Jul 5, 2018 7:42am

Lovely

Kristine Elizabeth May 25, 2018 2:20pm

This is me... My heart's story

Jennifer Wishnok Apr 29, 2018 1:05pm

Beautiful, very familiar territory. I try to tell my daughters that they do not want to be the 1st, 2nd, etc but the only choice.

Angeline Klaren Apr 22, 2018 6:17am

I absolutely love this article!! Exactly how I’m feeling right now, at this moment, in my own life. It’s almost as if I was reading about myself! Brilliant writer ❤️

Tera Clare Jul 31, 2017 3:29pm

I add myself to the list of women this describes, with tears in my eyes. I still wonder if I'm looking in the wrong places, or attracted to the wrong guys?

Lucas Garcia Jul 31, 2017 3:24pm

She's a cancer <3

Andrew Sanders Jun 13, 2017 4:48am

so if it is the love of your life and he chose someone else first only to learn what love is not why does it matter

Chris Savarese Bables Apr 14, 2017 1:13am

Wow.... my life for the last 5 years. This made me sad and happy at the same time. Beautifully written.

Tracey Stevenson Jan 3, 2017 10:04pm

Very beautiful

Prerna Singh Dec 16, 2016 3:30pm

Kate , you are truly God gifted !!! I write too , mostly for connecting with my soul , and you would be surprised to know i had written something similar , which evoked the same feelings , yet I would say , you are simply amazing !!!

Cheryl Estrada Dec 15, 2016 10:19am

I wish there were more of them! :)

Cheryl Estrada Dec 15, 2016 10:16am

Kate, like the other women commenting here, I have just read my life story in your words. Thank you for the feels.

Whippoorwill Looms Oct 24, 2016 12:14am

Beautifully written. It's sad that anyone experiences the dark places the heart can lead. I feel it constantly, the love and the lack of love. Glad I found this piece of writing to relate to.

Angela Grant Oct 18, 2016 4:23am

Right there with you. Words are meaningless.

Leonie Matthews Sep 11, 2016 12:20pm

Great entry and definately heart-felt

Momo Moré Sep 11, 2016 2:15am

I've been feeling like this for a while now. Knowing that although they claim to love me they don't want me. Think about that a few dozen times and you begin to start thinking you're unloveable. It's an emotional roller coaster.

Sarah Dean Sep 10, 2016 9:26pm

Same here.

Barbara Carpenter Peterson Sep 9, 2016 3:19pm

As I read this All I could think of was "Wow!! Someone that understands my life..... " Sad but true.... I can bring 20 married or otherwise attached men to the table....but not a Single available man in sight......

Robin Leibert Sep 8, 2016 2:59am

Beautifully heartbreaking and beautifully empowering. So many strong women sharing the same experience.....myself included. It touched me in a way that is almost indescribable. But that's the perfect part.....I don't need to describe it because women like us understand completely. �

Patricia Ramirez Aug 3, 2016 11:13am

I love your writing. I was stirred. Thank you for sharing!

Merrianne Maden Aug 2, 2016 5:45pm

Absolutely spot on beautiful. Thank you for putting into words what I can only keep in my head. I am spectacular!