5.9
April 25, 2016

I am Afraid to Love you, because I am Afraid to Lose you.

couple distance holding hands nature river love

I look into your eyes as our lips lock in an epic kiss that starts out sweet, but gets spicier as the seconds tick by.

It’s like cayenne and honey, a tingly combination that makes my heart soar.

We bathe like lizards in the warm glow of each other’s presence for hours—kissing, baring our hearts, talking, spilling secrets—and then we burst out laughing from the wild, unexpected intensity of it all.

And I feel myself falling…

I feel that heart-tipsy, dizzy, light-headed wild little flutter in my stomach that tells me I’m falling. You take my hands in yours and spin me closer, cupping my face tenderly as you tell me there’s no place in the world you’d rather be, and I know I’m falling.

Falling madly—not subtly, not slowly at all—for you, as our heartbeats dance, so intertwined, two thirsty ribbons braiding into a luscious rope of something that could become something real. Something life-changing, something magical—the rare, exact diamond of a thing that our parched souls are thirsty for.

The combination of you and me feels cosmic—our cells collide like stars, our hungry mango kisses bloom into something so breathtaking that words can’t properly describe. Being with you fees like home. It tastes like mystery. It smells like summer sunshine and the earth after it rains. It tingles with magic and possibility—and it feels a lot like love.

But maybe it’s a little too beautiful…suddenly, the hot, salty crackle of fear crashes into my body like an inky sea, and I look away from your gaze. I unhook myself from your warm, delicious embrace.

I am so afraid—I am afraid to love you, because I’m afraid to lose you.

If I follow my heart’s wild wishes and go all in, I could get smashed into smithereens. We could f*ck this up. You could realize you don’t like me. I could realize I don’t like you. We could hurt each other terribly, and it could all end in a messy sea of bloodied hearts and crushed dreams.

Worry swirls around my head like bitter smoke, terrifying trains of what ifs parade through my heart and teleport me into a downright panicked state, drizzling tears and all.

But then, I look up—and you’re still there, with those raw emerald eyes looking at me—smiling deeply, as though you can read my mind, as though maybe you’re sacred, too.

We grin at each other knowingly, because we’re both scared at what a kiss this soul-defyingly delicious could become.

It could become everything we ever wanted.

Or it could become pain—heartbreak, misery. Boiled over resentment that poisons us slowly, just a little bit every day, until we wither away into dusty skeletons and die a painful death of heartbreak.

How will we know the difference? How can we keep our hearts safe?

Maybe we can’t—maybe we won’t.

But I have more confidence in us than that—I have more confidence in myself than that.

My confidence comes from truth—because yes, I am afraid of losing you—but I’m most afraid of losing myself. Losing myself in the emerald galaxies of your eyes, changing who I am for you and becoming something I resent so that you’ll love me.

But it’s not like that with us, and I’m way too grounded, too strong and too fierce in my own skin to get lost now.

So, in a moment of subtle courage, I step forward. I part the frothy seas of my fear and not-so-subtly snake my way back into your embrace—but deeper this time. I kiss you like I really mean it, pulling you closer than our skin allows, feeling your soul brush up against mine.

All the fear and worry in the world cannot take this delicious moment away from us. Not unless we allow it to.

All the fear does is make me realize how precious this moment really is.

What a gem it is—what a gift it is, to share this moment with you.

Your lips graze mine, your fingertips dance across my lower back, infusing my skin with a raw trail of goosebumps and the decadent berry-ripe feeling of wanting more.

I take a snapshot of this moment.

I won’t forget it. Not ever.

That’s the thing with matters of the heart—they’re far too precious to be typed out in a logical scientific formula or predicated through complex algebraic equations. They can’t be untangled with our minds. They can’t be calculated at all.

We just have to step into the grand, murky waters of the unknown and find out for ourselves.

Isn’t that madly beautiful?

Maybe we don’t know what the future holds. Maybe we can’t know where this wondrous jeweled togetherness could lead, but I do know that I’m with you right now. Right now, I’m with you beautifully, powerfully.

And I might lose you, and you might lose me. But we won’t lose ourselves.

Right now, I’m here. You’re here. And it feels rooted in earthy magic, it feels like tender medicine—it feels like the exact, rare diamond of a thing our parched souls are thirsting for.

Maybe that’s all we need to know…

So,

Kiss me—

Now.

Laugh with me, dream with me, breathe with me, believe with me—

Now.

We have right now,

Together,

And what a gift that is—

So let’s make this moment count for everything.

Let’s look back on it and say—f*ck, I was so alive. I was so present.

For once in my life, I was brave enough to really be there with with this beautiful person—

And show them a raw slice of my heart and be open to the sweet excitement of this budding possibility of love.

So,

Kiss me—

Now.

I don’t want to tiptoe, I’ve tiptoed my whole life.

I refuse to tiptoe carefully with you.

Let’s dive in, headfirst—the only way we know how.

And let this be one hell of a disaster,

Or let it be the love of a lifetime.

But let us

Be brave enough

To find out.

 

Author: Sarah Harvey

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Flickr/deveion acker

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