The first time I ever tried to mediate, I felt ridiculous!
I was sitting on the floor of my living room on my newly purchased yoga mat in the middle of the day. Sitting and doing nothing but trying to control my thoughts. Eventually, I had to download an app onto my phone to assist me because I had no clue what I was supposed to be doing or if I was even doing it right.
Because if I am going to do something, the least I could do is do it correctly!
Although I often felt resistant, each day I would pull that mat out, open that app on my phone and just sit. As the voice on my phone told me to concentrate on my breathing, the weirdest things started happening: my shoulders would relax, then my posture would straighten and my mind slowed down.
The million thoughts I was used to hearing running through my head quieted down—and that is when I heard it.
That nagging little voice we all have, whispering seductively in our ear, that feeling in the pit of our stomach that we know we should listen to but it scares the daylights out of us—that voice has been getting louder for me the more I practice. Previously I had been hushing it by staying “busy,” but sitting on my yoga mat and concentrating on my breathing, I couldn’t hush it any longer.
That voice refuses to be hushed.
Little Voice (in a whisper): Get ready…
Me: For what?
LV: For what you’ve been waiting for.
Me: But I’m scared that I don’t know what I’ve waiting for.
LV (lovingly): Don’t be. It’s okay.
Me: I’m also excited!
LV: As you should be!
Me (pleading): Please tell me.
LV: Not quite yet. It’s almost time.
Me (anxious): But I don’t know how to prepare for something I know nothing about.
LV (patiently): Then listen more closely. I am sending you messages.
Me (worried): I’m afraid I’m missing them.
LV: You’ll hear them more clearly when you’re ready.
Me (pouting): I want to be ready now!
LV (laughs): Patience.
Me (frustrated): I’m trying.
LV: I see that you are. Soon you will see it as well!
Me (scared): I’m trying to trust you.
LV: I know.
Me: I feel ready.
LV: Soon. Now please, get ready.
The thing is, I have no idea what I am supposed to be getting ready for. I have no idea where this direction will lead me. I don’t even know what direction it is pointing me in right now—I just know I have to let go of control and just blindly trust that this is the right way.
Each day, I try to do something about listening to this voice that is leading me. One of the most difficult things for me to do is let go of the control I think I need to have.
I know I am not alone in saying that following an imaginary voice into the abyss is a scary place to be.
Meditation is how I quiet my life enough to hear the voice clearly.
Listening to that intuition is only half the battle, however; in order for it to affect our lives, we have act on it. This often means travelling to some pretty uncomfortable places within ourselves to follow through on what we know to be right.
Many times, I have ended my time on my mat in tears, angry and frustrated at this process—and just plain scared.
As I continue to take time each day, sitting and listening, another weird thing has started to happen: I have started to trust this little voice. I have thrown all caution to the wind and actually started to believe that maybe some of the hopes and dreams I have are not all that crazy.
That this little voice actually knows what it is talking about.
To date, it has had me do what I am sure look like some pretty crazy things to outsiders. But the more I follow my gut, the more I know I am right. I have no idea where I am headed or what the future holds, but I am more relaxed, more open to new ideas and new ways of looking at things.
I am more in tune to what my thoughts are, and I can feel my body react to certain situations—all because I spent a few minutes a day on my living room floor, just being.
I am no longer looking at this little voice as a separate entity from myself—it is all me, all my hopes, dreams, fears, and longings.
The more I incorporate it and cooperate with it, the more at peace I feel with my decisions.
I still question myself at times—I wonder if what I am doing is really that great of an idea, but I know I am on my way to where that Little Voice is leading, which is exactly where I need to be.
I am also learning to truly live in the moment. Life is not about a future destination—it is the journey that leads us there that holds all of life’s pleasures.
Author: Debbi Serafinchon
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: Dingzeyu Li/Unsplash