May 11, 2016

Why I Refuse to Love with My Whole Heart.

Ivan Karasev/Unsplash

“She wasn’t always that way, her heart wasn’t always cold. Her guard wasn’t always there. Heartbreak changed the climate of her heart, made her less trusting of love. I get that, I understand, but she’s still deserving of something real. Something true with someone better than what she’s known.” ~ r.h. Sin

It’s a bad habit picked up from movies and books. We search for some sort of unrealistic, undying love; we look for the lover to whom we can give everything.

We want a man or woman we can love with every little piece of our heart. The thought of giving someone everything is tragically romantic in our culture, but from trial and error I have learned that we are not made to give away our hearts.

We are made to love, but certainly not with everything we have.

Before you think I am cold-hearted or scorned, let me explain this unpopular statement, and my views on love and the wholeness of our hearts.

In real love, we shouldn’t have to give away our entire heart. It’s like your favorite cake that you spend time baking and preparing. You can give it all away as a token of your love, but then you’ll never know how delicious it turned out. You put in all the work and patiently waited while the ingredients came together to form something presumably wonderful, only to give it all to your lover—and who needs an entire cake to themselves, anyway?

In honest and healthy love, our partner will not need our whole heart, because they will have one of their own. You see, we have to keep pieces of our hearts that are only for ourselves. We can become so entranced with love, sometimes borderline obsessed, that we want to share everything with our lover and give them everything—every little piece of our heart and soul.

And if we are to lose this lover who has everything that we are, then what are we left with?

Yes, nothing.

So, keep parts of your heart to share with your lover but never give away. Keep the corners of your heart for your hobbies and interests. Your writing corner, reading edge and musical bottom should not disappear when love appears.

The truth is, people are not always going to love us right. In my experience, they rarely do. So, we must remember to keep a piece of our heart that loves us. A piece that doesn’t rely on anyone else’s love. Sometimes we have to be our own lover; I have often been the only person who can love myself right.

Do not selflessly gift this piece away. Don’t let your love for another overtake the love you have for yourself, because real love would never ask you to compromise yourself in this way. Understand that some parts of your heart and soul cannot be owned.

To love another right, we have to always have love for ourself in our heart.

We need to strive for relationships that don’t involve obsessing over one another. Those relationships shut off the people in them from the rest of the world. It’s amazing to feel like the only two people in the world, but just for moments—not the entire relationship.

Sometimes we need to say, “You do you, while I do me.” “You write, and I am going to go do what I want to do.”

We cannot sacrifice everything for another person. That is not love; it’s obsession.

Don’t sacrifice, and don’t compromise. Be with someone who lets you keep pieces of your heart to yourself.

And be a lover who doesn’t demand someone else’s everything. 

We must seek to be independent lovers in relationships—not codependent leeches who stingily suck away our partner’s love to have it to ourselves.


Relephant Read:

Beyond Good Enough: I am Whole, Just as I Am.


Author: Emily Cutshaw

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: Ivan Karasev/Unsplash //  ShuShuhome/Deviantart


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