A Male Perspective on what Breakups Teach Us.

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guy on his back

Just recently I have experienced two painful break ups within a short amount of time. Instead of blaming the universe for throwing negative stuff at me I chose to focus on the lessons that can be learned from that drama.

The first chapter in that story was my partner announcing our separation on the phone after three-and-a-half years. At the same time I was challenged by a severe physical injury that caused major problems with my life as a yoga teacher; I was really losing my faith with my path at that time.

I decided to take my time and recover from my physical and emotional wounds. I took a yoga teaching job abroad. My journey led me to Morocco where I was teaching daily yoga classes right at the ocean. Teaching yoga and meeting all kinds of inspiring people really helped to reconnect with myself and question the patterns that might have caused the struggle I was facing:

Will I ever be able to trust again? What if I will be lonely for the rest of my life? 

The way out of that seemed to be establishing more self-awareness toward my own habits and being less reactive to things that might irritate me. Just being in the moment and not attaching to the outcomes of my actions became my new practice. I started playing music again, got my running shoes on, started some CrossFit exercise and probably the most important of all: I established a daily meditation practice.

Without planning it, the outcome was amazing. I lost the 18 pounds that I’d gained from my injury without even trying. After three months I had my little band I was playing concerts with on a regular basis and the running gave me one runner’s high after the other. It was the best recovery plan I’d ever had, without even planning it.

People around me noticed all of a sudden that I had changed. All of a sudden I found myself in a romantic love story too. This deep connection that came out of nothing taught me that I still have the ability to love and trust someone. More and more I learned to give into that experience and not be afraid of the possible outcome, even though it was pretty obvious that this love wouldn‘t last long. Close friends already saw the drama starting all over again. Even the fact that the patterns of that relationship were similar to the one I had before didn‘t hold me back from jumping into it. I was present and I was happy.

I fully let go into that love story; I even moved to a different country to keep this feeling of inner peace and happiness. This relationship became the most important thing in my life and I started attaching to the outcome of it. I was envisioning my future and seeing myself at the end of my journey. Without noticing, I lost everything I had established for my own well-being. My need to feel loved by someone took over and my fear of being left behind blocked my ability to enjoy the moment.

Not a big surprise, soon after my partner didn‘t feel our connection anymore, and at that point reality set in and doubts took over. I noticed how my optimistic being had shifted into the wounded being I had been eight months ago. I started blaming my partner for leaving me and saw myself as a victim of life.

But is this the lesson to be learned? Blaming others for their feelings? Just because they don‘t make us happy anymore?

No, it is not anyone’s duty to make us happy. We should be aware on our path that we create our own well-being as well as our own suffering. We choose the people that we connect with, and those people are facing their own challenges and not ours. Everyone is on their own journey, seeking for something that makes them happy. There might be a point where it matches, but also a point where it doesn‘t. It gives us insight about the individuals and their journey, but it doesn‘t say much about the “soulmate-level“ between them. Maybe the timing was just not right and who knows what will happen in the future.

What I learned from this experience is that as long as we are on this journey, seeking for our true self, we will have to face the challenging breakups over and over again. Those dramas represent the drama that we carry within. It is our own struggle that is being reflected by our partner and how could we blame someone we love for that?

 

 

˜ (white to hide the thing?)

Author: Robert Busch

Image: Flickr/Mr. Seb

Editor: Travis May; Catherine Monkman

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Robert Busch

Robert Busch is a certified 500 hour Yoga Teacher with German/Bulgarian roots. It was a long path that led him to be a yoga teacher. Experiences from playing in a punk rock band for six years, being a competitive snowboarder and working in the fashion industry set the ground for creating his own Yoga-Style called “DUDE-Yoga”. Find out more on his website or his Instagram.

 

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Julian DeVoe Jul 5, 2016 7:46pm

Thank you for sharing your story Robert. I appreciate your insight, strength and vulnerability.

Daniel Holburn Jul 3, 2016 11:47pm

As someone who has spent much time alone, the truest thing I've heard; loneliness is not a longing for company, it is a longing for kind.

Kristen Llorca Jun 30, 2016 10:52pm

"What if I will be lonely for the rest of my life?" is huge. It's one of those questions that has us jump into the next relationship before we are emotionally or spiritually ready. Even if deep down we know that's a ridiculous question, if only to prove we are "lovable" and capable of love. And if we can avoid it, then yes, we have to start showing up for ourselves first, if anyone is going to show up for us in the future. Thanks for sharing your hurt. Hope you're enjoying the journey.

Kalpin Shah Jun 30, 2016 3:58pm

Right on. I am responsible for my own life. What I did in the past created my present. My Present will create my Future. I am in complete control of my present... need to remain aware of that.

Ircia Meredith Kille Jun 30, 2016 2:38pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I've been grieving over a relationship that ended after three years with a note. No explaination or closure. Instead I've slowly focused on myself. Doing things I'd never done; and practicing mindfulness. In a similar way you described, of being present. I redirect myself every time that I start envisioning the future, of marriage and kids. I need to let things flow not just assume or conclude the ending; because it may even turn out better than I imagine it. Thank you for sharing your story, you motivate me to move forward and continue to seek my true self.

Azhar Tambuwala Jun 30, 2016 6:38am

thanks for sharing - it takes strength and postivity to move on from 2 broken relationships...all the best DUDE.

Stephanie Schmeck Jun 29, 2016 5:15pm

I worry about getting into another relationship for fear I will continue to have the same issues as in previous ones. I know it's about changing me, but it's so easy to fall right back into the patterns.

Edy Kishinevsky Jun 29, 2016 4:46pm

Robert, thanks for sharing! I was married for almost 17yrs to a wonderful woman, we both lost over the years the capacity to stay true to ourself and look inside first before blaming the other. Sometimes the most painful outcomes are the treat source of growing and helping is to connect back to our heart and inner journey. Good luck! Edy

Brett Tannahill Jun 29, 2016 4:41pm

I too love your story Robert....the power of finding one's inner truth and aligning with true self is still so unheralded in western society! Keep spreading the word ....!!

Joni Hayen Jun 29, 2016 1:34pm

Love it - thank you so much for sharing your story!