Those other times were just my practice rounds. I had to understand what it was like to vanish from existence, to disappear into someone else and become no more than an expression of another’s desire.
I didn’t know it then, but I was choosing to abandon myself with each lover. Sometimes entirely, and other times just a little.
But, I was doing this so that I could master the art of creating.
All that so I would learn to become an expert on my own soul and on how to come home to it.
And, it worked.
It’s different for me now. This round is neither for the amateur shapeshifter, nor for the woman who believed she must become something different for love.
This time, I will not lose myself, because I understand now that the annihilation of this self is impossible.
This time, I know I am unshakeable.
There has been something growing and shaping inside of me over the years. It has been in the face of great success, failure, sickness, health and heartbreak that this fire in me has grown. And now, nothing could put it out.
There is no man, woman, god or goddess who could stop me from moving forward or burning brightly.
I have met you. Yes, you, each one of my fears. Doubt, I have stared you in the eye, too—so many times that I have lost count.
Sadness and pain have wracked my body. Love, inspiration and creation have healed it.
Falling down has taught me to get back up. Doubt has shown me just how strong I am, and fear has continually encouraged me to keep rising above it.
And, disappearing into lovers has shown me how to fully become this self that I am.
So, to the ones I got lost in, thank you.
Each disappearing act with you was an opportunity to learn how to recreate. I used to agonize over the feeling of dissolving under a lover’s hand. The experience of transforming into their version of me was unstoppable. I had no choice but to let go, with each one, a bit of who I was.
There was energy in me so malleable that each one of you was able to shape it, eat it, absorb it and then move on.
I was young and I was learning. Now, I am not as young and I still have wisdom to gain, but I know the power inside of me and I honor that nothing could make it vanish—ever.
I taste it on my parched lips and I feel it surge through my eager bones.
There was a woman I met in my early 20s who told me things would change—I would stop disappearing later on. I didn’t believe her. I thought I had been made to vanish. I didn’t understand any other way to be with love.
Well, that woman was right. I became tougher. My skin thickened, and my teeth got sharper, too.
I know now that I am indestructible. At my core, there is something so solid that I could create myself a million times over, if I were ever burnt again—or if I lit myself on fire.
Nowadays, my lover doesn’t get to make me disappear.
I have let go of the chains of the martyr and the timid one. I have released the warrior and the victim, too. There is no need to fight to keep myself authentic.
Those two words are all I need to break the old shackles.
So, light, fire, thunder and hail, be my companions while I harness this energy of the creator within me. And as my lover touches me, I now feel the electricity that I own—this spark that has always been me.
I never disappeared inside of you. I was just temporarily letting your light be brighter than mine. I dimmed my flame so another wouldn’t feel less. I fed your light with my own, and then I let it engulf me.
As I stand in my own fullness, completely visible and seen, I am no longer afraid of losing anything. Sometimes I feel shaky with the realization of this exposure—of showing the world my true self.
But, then I remember: I came here on this journey for one exact reason.
My purpose here is to shine.
Author: Sarah Norrad
Editor: Toby Israel