August 5, 2016

Dear Lover, I’m Scared of losing My Freedom.


woman freedom

“If you don’t do something you love because you are scared to lose your freedom, you’ve already lost your freedom.” ~ Moses

This isn’t about being ready for love, but about the fear that comes with change.

Ironically, when I wasn’t ready, when I still had mountains of baggage to sort through and wounds that were still gaping open, I wasn’t scared of anything.

But, now that I have grown and travelled to the heart of myself, I realize that I am scared of losing my freedom.

This is an uncomfortable moment, because no one really wants to admit that they are scared. Yet, as am sitting in the sunshine among friends, my children safely with their grandparents, I suddenly think that as much as I am ready to welcome another into my life, I’m scared that I will lose the freedom that I have come to relish.

It’s not that this will necessarily happen, but a secret thought that makes me sidestep around hard issues.

I have never been this free before.

Even in past relationships, I can’t entirely blame my lack of freedom on my partners—but rather at my own limited view on what it meant to be in love and in a relationship.

All of that is different now.

I’ve not only learned who I am—I’ve learned who I am not.

To me loving doesn’t mean disappearing into another. It doesn’t mean taking up all of their time, or needing to hear from them constantly in order to be secure that their feelings haven’t changed. It doesn’t even mean changing them, or the life that they have built.

I love the way I want to be loved.

I never want to feel guilty because I may occasionally choose ambition over sleep. I want to feel comfortable including my loved friends in my life. I hope that whoever stands beside me will know, without a doubt, that there isn’t anyone else I would want next to me.

Jealousy isn’t necessary if we are secure enough with what we have.

It’s ironic that the very thing we’ve been yearning for can sometimes trigger fears we weren’t even aware that we had.

This is why I approach love with caution; why I like to sidestep and dance away at times and why silence is sometimes my best friend.

I’m not going to run away, but I’m also not going to close my eyes and jump in.

Change isn’t always an easy pill to swallow, especially for those of us who have built lives of delicious independence, catering to our own desires.

I don’t think you will be like the rest, and maybe that is what scares me the most.

I don’t believe that you have any desire to clip my beautiful wings, perhaps because you may also be afraid of losing your freedom.

This isn’t about being so scared that I disappear altogether, or that I will act out in self-destructive ways that push you away—but it does mean that I need to go slow.

And even if we decide to hit the gas and see how fast we can go, I still need venture off on my own sometimes.

I need to not lose myself this time around, and maybe that is what I’m truly afraid of. Not just the fear of losing my freedom, but of losing the life I’ve created.

A soft truth whispers at times—if I did have to give anything up, whatever grew in its place would be even greater.

I know that nothing can stay the same in life. I don’t need to cling to my self-protecting ways because I know that I am ready for whatever life brings my way. But, more than that, I know that saying that I am scared is actually the most brave and honest thing I can do.

I’m not out here pretending to be someone I’m not, nor am I here saying that I know what this is, or even what it could grow into. In fact, it seems that as time goes on, I actually enjoy the aspects of life and love that I don’t have figured out.

Perhaps, this will not even be an issue if life cuts in and takes either of us off in a different direction.

But, living in this moment means that I don’t think about any of this, so whether this love putters to an end tomorrow or somehow lasts beyond our expectations, our feelings during this journey are necessary.

I am scared of losing my freedom, yet no matter how deep that fear lies, it doesn’t outweigh the flush of heat I feel rise in my belly when you look at me, or the way that I just can’t quite seem to stop kissing you.

Being scared of losing my freedom is not what keeps me up late into the night. But you do—your smile, your sweet lips and your hands drawing possibilities on my bare skin.

While I’m scared about what I don’t know, I have no doubt about what kind of man you are.

And somehow that seems to be the only thing that really matters.


Author: Kate Rose

Image: Unsplash/Aral Tasher

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

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