Sometimes I Want to Disappear.

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Sometimes I want to disappear—but this isn’t a cry for help, and I would never try to kill myself.

Sometimes I want to disappear, but I’m not suicidal, and I don’t equate “wanting to disappear” with wanting to die. Not that I’d mind dying, as long as it were quick and painless. I don’t fear death, but that’s a whole other story.

Sometimes I want to disappear. And I don’t mean pack up my bags and hit the road. I mean cease to exist. Vanish. I know that sounds like a death wish—but trust me when I say that this is something different.

The first time I experienced this feeling was several years ago, as I was standing on my parents’ dock, looking down into the lake. The water was dark. I felt sad and confused, but not suicidal. I’d just returned home after a few months of travel and was having a hard time adjusting to being back in the states, and to no longer having a partner and playmate by my side 24/7. Poor me, first-world problems. 

As I looked into the water of the lake, I wanted to disappear into it. I didn’t want to drown, I just wanted to disappear.

I wanted to dissolve. I wanted to be done—I know, again, that sounds suicidal. So much so that I even had to question myself momentarily, “I know you’d never kill yourself, but are you sure you wouldn’t be considered suicidal?”

Yes, I’m sure—and that’s what matters. I know what’s true. I know I’ll stay.

But it didn’t fully make sense to me how I could have this feeling and not think I needed professional help. Maybe I did need help, but was afraid of being misunderstood—I feared being told I was suicidal when I knew I was not.

Can’t I just have my existential depression, and dark nights of the soul, in peace?

And then, a couple of years after that day on the dock, my Sexual Awakening for Women teacher, Shakti Malan, led me through a guided meditation. She spoke of “the blackness,” the darkness we see when we close our eyes and drop deeply into stillness. Into consciousness. Into what she calls the “deep masculine.” The deep masculine is that resting place behind the busyness of the mind.

And suddenly, I felt excited rather than meditative, because that is what I was yearning for all those times I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be held by the deep masculine, in that resting place, that peacefulness and clarity of pure consciousness. I wanted an end to the struggle, the noise and a feeling of separation. So, upon hearing this concept of the “deep masculine”—that pure consciousness—something clicked.

However, it’s not like I had felt some sort of joyful or enlightened type of desire for oneness all those times I wanted to disappear. It felt sad and distressing to not want to be here, and that’s because the truth is that my desire to disappear wasn’t only about oneness or stillness or resting into that deep consciousness.

As a sensitive soul, who often feels like some sort of alien on this planet, there’s a yearning I feel sometimes to leave this realm, this earth plane, like there’s somewhere else I belong. And yet, I know I belong right where I am. And now, I also know that it’s also in that blackness, that deep consciousness, that I can feel at peace wherever I am.

I’d like to imagine that the desire to escape and end suffering, that which is felt by those who do commit suicide, could have been alleviated by learning something like meditation. Learning how to drop into that blackness, while still living and breathing.

But what do I know?

All I know is that there’s always a way out of pain and suffering, and I firmly believe that suicide is not it. Perhaps one way out is to simply realize that pain and suffering are natural parts of the human experience. So what can we do?

I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who sometimes wants to disappear, but doesn’t equate that with being suicidal. So what can we do to feel better? What can we do to accept and embrace all that is? What can we do to survive the tough times? To make changes towards living a happier life? What can we do to ride the waves with more ease and grace?

For me, Sheng Zhen, a heart-opening qigong, is one solution. Or meditation. Or just talking about it, like I am right now. Or walking in the woods. Or dancing it out. Or lying down on the ground and feeling held by the earth—all of these things, and more, help me love this life and want to be here.

Sometimes I still want to disappear. And so I do—into deeper consciousness. Into acceptance.

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**September is “National Suicide Prevention Month.” If you—or someone you know—need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the US, please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

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~

Author: Rebecca Clio Gould

Image: Instagram @milafphotography

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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Rebecca Clio Gould

Rebecca Clio Gould is a Certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, Sexual Awakening for Women Facilitator, Qigong and Meditation Teacher and Author of The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You. Her commitment to spreading love and light is evident in the work she does helping others learn how to live happier, healthier, juicier lives. She is known to be a “possibility realist”—offering uplifting spiritual guidance while also grounded in reality. Rebecca claims to have mastered savasana and loves dancing and singing in her car. You can learn more about her by visiting her website, or connect with her on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

 

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Razzle Dazzle Nov 13, 2017 7:00am

I was just feeling the weight of sad thoughts on my mind and heart. Just overwhelmed by life. The fantasy of just disappearing or running away danced around my heart and mind. It was nice to read this article because it honestly described the feeling of wanting to disappear and it released some of the pressue of my burdening thoughts on my heart. Thank you.

Rebecca Gould Dec 25, 2016 3:25am

Beautiful! Yes.

Patrick Meijer Dec 25, 2016 1:28am

I believe this feeling arises in everyone sooner or later. The question you could ask yourself is "who or what is it that wants to disappear?" Is it your body? Or is it your mind? Most likely the answer will be 'my mind' because it is the continuous mind chatter and believe systems that drive us crazy and make us feel 'out of place'. That feeling you describe is the perfect invitation to start the journey into yourself, into these belief system, and into the voice inside your head that labels everything and therefore always creates a dualistic (i.e. good vs bad, ugly vs beautiful) scenario. With this self enquiry comes space and stillness, ultimately creating an immense freedom as the identification with the mind begins to vanish and you come to realise that what you have always identified with, isn't the real you and the idea of the 'need to vanish' is nothing more than liberating yourself from his mind (made) identification. All that then remains is love �

Rebecca Clio Gould Sep 29, 2016 6:05am

Awwww, love you, Laura. xo

Rebecca Clio Gould Sep 29, 2016 6:05am

:) beautiful. I love that water analogy. Thank you. And, yes, isn't it strange but wonderful when others share something we thought was "just me?"

Rebecca Clio Gould Sep 29, 2016 6:03am

you are so welcome, Margie. It's good to know I am also not alone. Thank you for voicing this. <3

Rebecca Clio Gould Sep 29, 2016 6:01am

I hear you!! Wow. This just gave me chills. Thank you for this comment. It feels so good to know that what I've shared is helpful and meaningful. <3

Rebecca Clio Gould Sep 29, 2016 5:57am

Thank you, Wendy! :)

Laura Lavigne Sep 29, 2016 2:43am

Don't ever disappear.

Amy Seewald Sep 28, 2016 3:07pm

Its like a feeling of wanting to melt away or absorption like watching a droplet of water fall into a body of water. Just disappear but still there, still you. Funny it is still feels foreign to see what I perceive as un-normal (must be me stuff) reflected in thoughts of strangers. An assurance I am not alone in my inner (private) weirdness. Thank you

Margie Lueker Sep 28, 2016 2:05pm

Wow! I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone in the world.

Rachel Sheffler Sep 28, 2016 1:33pm

This is miraculous! I feel this desire to dissolve, disappear as well, but I've never spoken of it because I thought people would believe I was unbalanced or suicidal, too! It means so much to know I'm not alone, and you have written this beautifully.

Asif Ali Sep 28, 2016 9:10am

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Wendy R Wolf Sep 28, 2016 6:38am

YES: "Sometimes I still want to disappear. And so I do—into deeper consciousness. Into acceptance."

Rebecca Gould Sep 27, 2016 11:46pm

You're welcome, Vanessa. And thank you for this comment.

Vanessa Szychter Sep 27, 2016 11:08pm

Thank you for putting into words so beautifully what I feel too. Sometimes I want to disappear.