December 1, 2016

Let’s Get Intimate: What to do When our Partner doesn’t Know How to Please Us. {Adult Q & A}

Screenshot from a video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIIz39ZOSo4

Let's Get Intimate - askastarte@gmail.com

Q. I’ve had oral sex beforebut no man made me feel comfortable enough to enjoy it. I’d never even had an orgasm until I was 40. 

Now I’m married and somehow he can get me to relax and orgasm. However, he’s only been with one other person and can sometimes be awkward—both touching me and when it comes to oral sex. Oral, however, has become something I grin and bare.

I once asked my husband to do something I liked and he told me not to worry because he knew what he was doing. But with his lack of experience, he didn’t. How can I find a way to tell him what I want without him feeling inadequate? He’s pretty new to sex; he was more or less a 40-year-old virgin. I’ve taught him well, but this continues to be a problem.


A. I know this is a frustrating problem but in reality, you have a promising situation on your hands.

In our modern age—thanks to the glut of internet pornography and open, educational discussions about private sexual experiences on social media (this column included, I suppose)—we are expected to be much more sexually savvy than our not-so-distant ancestors were. This is both a blessing and a curse.

On one hand, you can, for example, write to an advice column like this one and receive non-judgmental compassion as well as useful information that might help you with your intimacy troubles. In effect, that’s the kind of assistance sex education sites offer as well. Internet pornography places sex literally within our reach (as long as we have a computer) any time we may wish to take a peek at that world. On the other hand, all this information has restricted the best method of sexual education, the one that our forebears relied upon—and succeeded with—quite adequately: experimentation.

Imagine it this way: There are only two people on the planet, you and your husband. (As far as sex is concerned, this might as well be the case.) What you do to give each other pleasure matters to no one but you. This is immensely liberating! You both can find out what you want, how to give it to one another, take those lessons you’ve learned, and incorporate them into your lovemaking. No one needs to tell you what’s right or wrong; only you know that. It sounds as though your husband already has the skill to help you relax into climaxing. This is an amazing gift unto itself! But how do you go further?

Wipe the slate clean and start again:

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

First, set the stage for your lovemaking lesson, either physically or energetically. Get yourselves prepared to learn from one another. That is, you will be taking this time to show him what you need and he will show you. Because you both get a turn, each of you is more apt to see the teaching as more of a game than an accusation of “you’re not doing it right.”

Start slowly.

You can make foreplay into fireplay by taking your husband through exactly what you need to get turned on. If you’re not sure, experiment alone first. Take your time in sharing your turn-ons with him. Once you’ve taught him, he can show you what he likes. It may be, as it is for many men, that he doesn’t need much to get primed for sex. Still, you might ask him to show you what part of his penis is the most sensitive. Have him stroke that spot, then have you do it. Did you get it right?

Oral sex skills.

You may consider oral sex as part of foreplay or part of the sex act itself. Either way, oral sex is a skill that does require some finesse. Your guidance here is invaluable. I do know how frustrating it can be when you have a confident partner who is really not pleasuring you the way you like. Remember, though, that your man wants to please you. Your guiding him to the pressure and pace you like can be done in a loving and sexy way, not like a schoolmarm demanding a student recite his times tables. Keep the theme of loving intimacy in your mind as you make suggestions. Here’s a good primer.

Stay fluid.

Once you have the idea of what each of you likes, practice! Enjoy the new terrain of your desire you have just created. No one said you have to follow any compass but your own. It’s not a matter of teaching your husband, it’s about learning each other. And keep learning!

One of the best parts about marriage and long-term relationships is that you have the opportunity to become intimately familiar with an entire human being! During sex, he’s there for your pleasure and you’re there for his. The learning never has to end. And nor should it.

Happy loving!


Author: Rachel Astarte

Image: Screenshot from American Pie

Editor: Katarina Tavčar

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