It makes no sense to the rational mind.
I have never before trusted so fully and so vulnerably in this world.
I have never before felt so alive, so understanding of the flow, so okay with letting myself go. And yet I have found myself, for the umpteenth time, (apparently) alone. And it is hard sometimes. And I am so freaking okay.
I’ve left my parents and three sisters (who mean infinitely more to me than they really know) overseas for years now. I’ve looked through tears into the eyes of lovers and said, “I can’t.” I’ve built honest homes and care-full communities in tiny places across the planet. And I’ve picked up and left in a heartbeat.
Certainly, none of what I have done is “right.” And neither is it wrong.
Children are my everything. I know this because I lose myself around them. They become my world and it is as if my heart beats in sync with theirs. And yet here I am, at the prime age of reproduction, with no belly bump in sight. This brings me no sadness, nor does it bring me joy.
I do not seek a brief romance—I love, and I live for partnership. And I have spent much time alone recently, in the most fulfilling years of my life. I’d love a partner and, still, there is no sense of missing.
I’ve never been able to explain clearly this life that chose me. Not to my own rational mind, nor to the faces of worried eyes, judgmental ears, and even the envious egos that have stood in front of me, misreading my dedication to a life of integrity, to a life that makes sense. I only answer to what tugs at my soul. I go where my gut tells me I am needed.
I have heard the world speak to me in the silence, in the suffering, too many times to ever go back to the noise that I answered to before. I am learning over and over to answer.
I have seen doors open, where I never knew they existed, and there I have come to know the feeling of my dharma, my duty.
I am irrationally happy in my solitude. I have absolutely everything I need, and none of the things that I want. And I am so truthfully okay, so truthfully abundant, and I so wholeheartedly believe that this is exactly where I am meant to be.
I read John Keats recently, something that sounded like this to me: “There is an extraordinary capacity for transcendence married to an uncommon share of sorrow. There is genius in madness. There is realisation of betterment wound up in the turmoil and confusion. There is great joy in singledom for solitude opens our creative channels to truth and beauty.”
The truth and beauty of this world have been so freaking apparent to me these days. And if that is just one of the many reasons for my solitude, I accept it with arms wide open, because it is exactly what I have needed to come to know.
Author: Jaime Lauren Posa
Image: @nolatrees on Instagram
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren