“Out there somewhere there is a love who will never dream of calling you too much. Who speaks, like you, in poetry and candle-wax and stardust. Who runs outside on stormy nights to howl at the moon. Who collects bones and sings incantation and talks to the ancestors. And that lover, when you find him or her, will see you and know you – just as you are and just as you should be. And they will say. Yes, you. I will go there with you. I have been waiting for this.” ~ Jeanette Leblanc
It’s a dance as old as time—that sacred space where an intensely felt love seems to start, but before it really moves, it sharply halts to a stop.
The following dialogue depicts the frustration, chaos and confusion that occurs when the “twin flame” kind of love remains just out of our reach.
When we are feeling vulnerable and naive, we sometimes choose to reach out to an old, wise friend who we hope might understand a little of what the person we are intertwined with might be going through.
If you have also muddled through this puzzling “almost” type of love, I hope the conversation below will be of some benefit to you…
Alex: Thayne, do you have a moment?
Thayne: Of course.
Alex: It’s happened again—he has pulled away. Is it because I feel too much? Think too much? Love too much?
Thayne: He feels you too. He thinks way too much. He loves, but he shows it differently. He hates it when he says too much.
Alex: The familiar silence of this torturous entanglement is cutting into my loudly pumping veins, deafening me again, all because my heart is far “too big” and “too much” for his hands to hold.
Thayne: Holding your heart in his hands frightened him tremendously. The moment you removed your mask, and he saw his own reflection, he was terrified. He knows nothing else but to retreat. His wildly beating heart almost ruptured when he realized the enormous potential that exists between you two. He fears it would drive him mad, meeting you in such raw form.
Alex: How can he care, draw closer—and then callously pull back and act like he despises every trace of emotion he feels for me?
Thayne: A man recoils because his path wavers too. His own uncertainties can cripple his senses. Too often, he’ll shut down and shut you out, because he fears too much. A man like him finds comfort in the cold.
Alex: Why does my much-too-big heart’s love repel and cause this retreat?
Thayne: He thought he was ready for you. He felt it in his heart. It likely makes no sense to him why such sudden erratic behaviors elude him. Nonetheless, clearly his fear of being loved becomes overwhelming.
Alex: Do I have to dim, fade, filter, fall and crawl just to make him feel powerful, in control and not quite so small?
Thayne: Never dim your light on account of any man unwilling to face you in your entirety. The only way you’ll arouse the right man’s senses is if you’re shining bright. Many will retreat. Some will listen to whatever logic (or potentially intuition) speaks to them. Perhaps the mystery of why he’s so afraid to let you shine brightly through will elude you both, for now.
Alex: What if I’m drawn to the painful way he causes this yearning, aching, and breaking of my ribcage bones because this is all I believe I deserve?
Thayne: What if his ribs are broken too, and the wounds are still tender? I assure you, he’s questioning what he deserves too.
Alex: Should I change, guard, unravel, try harder, act colder, play the mind-f*cking-games that he’s used to and use charm, seduction and manipulation just so he’ll stay near?
Thayne: Never change anything about who you are —unique, unraveled, warm-hearted, brutally f*cking honest. What if you only needed to have him near, to remind you of how fully alive you feel? Look at how enlivened your senses are now. Manipulation and seduction are for those who’ve yet to escape from their own guardhouses. You abandoned yours long ago. The most you can do now is coax him out from his.
Alex: Do I have to push, pull, hold, release, spin in circles, swim shallowly, run when he needs me then deny, suppress, reject him and ignore his calls?
Thayne: When he pulls, let him. When he pushes you away, stand your ground. Let go of chasing him. Live your life, be yourself and brave the unknown outcome. Never swim in the shallow water, unless you’re there to simply have some fun. Be there if he needs you, but know when to turn your back if he fails to reciprocate.
A man worthy of you will let you lean into him, so long as he’s committed to you. There will be no denying how he feels or what his intentions are, if you feel safe leaning into him. When we reject someone else, we are also rejecting an aspect of ourselves that we’d rather remain in the shadows for a time. Ignore him only if you are done. Be there for him, so long as he’s not ignoring you.
Alex: Is the love failing because I’m giving conditionally and filling it with too-high expectations, impatiently waiting and praying that if I continue to love fearlessly, harder, intensely and deeply that one day he’ll change, open, show up, reveal his hand and rhythmically move with me?
Thayne: Life is a series of conditions. Replace hope with fierceness—a defiance for living. Look at him, unwilling to change for you and look inward to determine what you can change yourself. He’s offered you a taste—a glimpse of all that you deserve, merely by remaining who you are, true to yourself and radiating your light, unfiltered.
You fell into your depths long ago, now wait for the right man to fall into you. Continue descending. We’ll never know who’s going to show up, but we’ll be damn certain we recognize them when they do. Move rhythmically and let your essence, your harmony and magnitude write prose upon his heart. He’ll let your intensity melt whatever castle he’s constructed and hidden within because it was only carved out of ice.
Alex: I know I’ve fallen foolishly, and now I’m standing alone splintered, destroying and crushing my mind, snapping my soul in two for illusions and my wild imagination’s possibility of the man.
Thayne: A fool will recognize another fool—and only a foolish man is wise enough to mend your splintered mind, has the magic to unite your soul, and will only offer you one certainty—that your wildest imagination is capable of manifesting destinies.
Alex: I refuse to lose my “too-much’”soul and become less-than for someone who offers empty words while watching as I sacrifice my all—and even when I reduce myself, I equate to nothing more than the lowest fraction that is still not enough for this man.
Thayne: Your “too muchness” is branded unto you. There’s no revealing the entirety of your nature without revealing the entirety of the universe. “Less-than” is a metaphor for mediocrity. Empty words are for those who slay another person’s greatness and for those who are oblivious to sacrificing for the right purpose. He should be afraid of you at first. Only a man who’s willing to rise too—one who’s sufficiently prepared to meet you where you’re at (and vice versa)—is one who’s worthy of running with you, wildly.
Alex: I hear you, and I’m terrified to bolt the door, the chilling wind has frozen and paralyzed me, I’m tangled within webs of vacant promises whispering “almost”, “what-if” and “let go, heal and forgive.
Thayne: He is assuredly frozen in the grips of fear himself. Your entanglement terrified him even more once he realised it was he who has entangled you. His negligent heart is still wildly untamed and he has yet to surrender enough of his indignities to meet you where you are with humility. What do you need to forgive?
Alex: Ultimately, I need to forgive myself for wanting more than someone has to give.
Do I need to build resilience, toughen, fight for him harder, adjust to meet his needs to gain validation—or should I surrender, free fall and watch as the hopes and attachments I placed at the top of the mountain I climbed to reach him unravel and come tumbling down?
Thayne: What can we do when someone we care about retreats? We can at least love them without attachment. Go about our own lives, focusing on resiliency and validating our own self worth through further self discovery—introspection and genuine surrender to find what’s there for us to learn from open-heartedly. There will always be another mountain top and valley beyond that. We climb the mountain together, only to determine then whether we fall toward or away from one another.
Alex: I’m on the edge alone; I can strip away layers and tragically sacrifice myself entirely which still wouldn’t please him or I can uncoil and slip quietly away, cease the pleasing, pleading and impossible attempts at leveling and fall out of him and into me.
What we had was bound with “if only” “maybe” and “almost”—in reality, it was rare and it could have been beautiful, but chance after chance has proven that there is nothing here left to lose…other than myself.
Love has shown me that although this man is magnificent and wondrous, heart-achingly for now, I have to surrender and let this go. I choose to love, I choose me.”
Author: Alex Myles
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina