My dearest beauty,
You with the stains of drying tears drawing sad mosaics of what could have been down your face. You with the red swollen nose and the eyes that are endless pools of pain and despair.
I see you.
I was you.
So listen closely as I tell you this secret.
He isn’t worth it.
You can’t see it right now, but he just isn’t. And this pain—you had to go through this awful, heart-wrenching pain, because without this pain, you could never fully appreciate the gift that the fates have in store for you.
He didn’t leave you for her.
He left because it was time. It was time to make space for your next chapter. You had to have the way cleared for the gift of the wonderful love that is out there in the world waiting for you. You can’t build a new house without tearing the old one down first. And much like any decrepit old house, the foundations of your relationship were weak—it was dangerous.
She didn’t steal him.
She saved you. Saved you from years of being in the wrong relationship with the wrong man. She saved you from years of crying yourself to sleep. She consolidated years of pain and regret into a short, quick Band-Aid removal, the likes of which you are unlikely to forget any time soon.
But eventually you will forget, I promise.
She isn’t better than you.
In fact, she doesn’t hold a candle to you. She is a predator. A woman so unhappy with her own life and who she is as a person that she has to lie, steal and cheat. It’s a temporary high. A way to, for a short time, feel the same types of feelings that you feel every single day without trying.
You saw it firsthand when you found out he was cheating on you with her. Maybe you saw it on his phone, or in his email, or over text. You saw her professing a love that she doesn’t even have the capacity to feel. She was 100 percent honest when she said she didn’t care what it took, that she would do anything to be with him. He took it as a compliment.
You spent the rest of the night with your favorite bottle of wine, trying to erase those words from the inside of your eyelids, where they had been etched into the flesh by your tears.
There is nothing wrong with you.
His self-esteem might be low, and he may think that her validation will fix him. Being the strong healthy woman that you are, you know you can’t fix his self-esteem. There is nothing you can do to change it. Not without lowering yourself to the same emotionally unhealthy level as some of the other players in this game of life.
And you don’t want to do that. Even if you were tempted for a little while, deep down you know you don’t want to go there. You will never be able to be happy enough for both of you. And his current “happiness,” this so-called happiness that is built on the validation of a predator? It won’t last. External validation never lasts.
You don’t need him.
You want him, but you don’t need him. He has been there for a long time. He is comfortable and familiar, but he is bad for you. His weakness is bad for you. Fundamentally, he isn’t a bad person—but his weakness makes him a bad partner. And his presence in your heart, even just as a memory, takes up space where your soul mate belongs.
It’s time to stop the cycle of grief.
No more denial. No more bargaining. It is time for acceptance. You can accept this—not because you have no choice, but rather because you choose to do what’s right for you. To free up your time and energy and spirit for what comes next.
It is with this acceptance that you heal.
Then, one day when you’re least expecting it, he will be there. Your soul mate will come across a dance floor toward you, or pass you on the street, or hold open the door for you at the grocery store.
You must have the space available and open for him.
It must be clear and ready, because this man—your soul mate—has standards, and he will not stoop to trying to be in the space where another man resides. Don’t want to miss the opportunity to be with your soul mate because your heart and mind are occupied by a weak little boy with poor self-esteem.
This man is a man.
Much the same way that he won’t fill a space occupied by another, this real man won’t fall for the charms of a predator.
You will be safe with him. You can open your heart to him. He already loves you—all of you.
He is waiting for you. Waiting for you to clear out the trash of your past. Waiting for you to have room for him. Waiting for you to be ready for him and his love.
Get up. Go dry your tears and wash your face. Now, take a deep breath.
It’s time to clear the field and get ready for him.
Author: Julie Livingston
Editor: Callie Rushton
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