March 12, 2017

I Miss You—but that doesn’t Mean we Should be Together.

There are certain people who will always tug on our heartstrings.

Those individuals who we will eventually get over, but will always cherish with a delicate, cautious sort of love. A love that understands that each of us is like an intricate snowflake—totally unique—and also knows how to make us melt like the snow.

This is the very nature of the experiences we have loving each other. It is one that yields to the belief of no boundaries or possibilities of “forevers”—but forevers are not the reality of this life, or of a snowflake. Both of these creations must come to an end—an end that requires us to question what we thought was real and permanent, and also what we believed to be beautiful and unique.

Perhaps it is a misunderstanding that we never think of our exes once they have been released from our lives, because often the contrary is true. What is more correct is that we all carry moments, memories, and feelings that stay with us, embedded in a piece of our flesh or some certain wired pattern of thinking that we might always associate with them.

However, this shouldn’t threaten us. This is actually quite normal and is closer to what is real. There are times when past loves pop up in our consciousness, even when we desire them to be gone.

We all carry things with us, no matter how good at releasing things we may be. There will always be something left to let go of.

And there will be things that we don’t want to release—at least not yet. Maybe there was a conversation, or a look, or a sunset, or a walk. Perhaps there was a night of dancing in the kitchen in each other’s arms. Those vignettes will take a little more time to get over, more so than the person we have already said goodbye too.

Often, we do not give ourselves permission to grieve—to fully acknowledge the affect someone had on our lives and to honour the space they once held in them.

The truth is that relationships are the most important thing to us humans, even if we pretend this isn’t so. It is written in our DNA to connect and form bonds with each other.

However, we must remember an important point: Missing someone does not mean that we are “meant to be” with them.

Simply missing someone should not direct us back to a romantic reunion with them. These haunting feelings are an attempt to reconcile with what once was; it is how we make peace with a life we used to have, but no longer do.

As humans, we try to make sense of our lives—because if we don’t make sense of this crazy ride, what fun is it?

Understanding how to handle our emotions is sometimes hard, as they are always changing. Do we acknowledge that we miss this person, or do we let it pass? Can we even turn away from it?

In meditation training, we are taught to meet things directly. To accept what is here, feel it fully, and then allow it to leave when time allows.

Often, we mistake our grieving process for what we think is our “not over them, need them back” process—but this is not the same thing. It is okay to move on while still missing someone.

I still miss friends I had in kindergarten, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped making new friends. My memories of these past friendships actually encourage me to form new ones. It should be the same with our romantic relationships too.

We will always cherish those who have touched our hearts, taught us something, and shared bits of their own soul. This is understandable. If we didn’t recall them, we would be missing out on that beautiful experience of intimacy in our lives.

However, to relieve our suffering or possible dithering when this “missing” comes up, we must remember that there will be more love to come. Certainly, there will be more love…however, probably not with them. There is no going back to what was. The past is just that—gone.

Our hearts are big enough to love again and again. There is no limit to how much they can hold.

Limits are a construction of the mind, not a reality of the heart.

So when we miss them, befriend those feelings. Get to know them. Appreciate the memories and honour them. Sometimes we need to acknowledge the death of something a hundred times before we can let it go.

We are all affected by each other. We can suffer over the loss of something because it no longer exists—or we can choose to celebrate it, as a moment in time when we felt alive.

As we make the choice to cherish the feelings, rather than admonishing ourselves for feeling, something shifts inside. We realize it is okay to love again, even if we do miss something (or someone) from the past.

Pause for a second, and let the past be. Realize that what stays with us is just a memory—and look to see who might be wanting to walk by our side…now.



Author: Sarah Norrad

Image: Deviant Art

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina


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