I have a love-hate relationship with all things high-pressure.
I love being on stage. I have officiated sports games. But at the same time, it drives me nuts if someone watches me eat. Am I chewing funny? Did I eat something unhealthy? Is this actually your plate? What am I doing wrong?! Stop watching me! I can’t take the pressure.
Another thing we put a lot of pressure on is sex. Why is this? After all, these are the moments in our lives that provide the most intimacy and connection—alone, with just you and your partner. Usually, anyway, unless you’re into an audience—I ain’t judging.
Holy night though! There is so much pressure. Some of us want it all the freaking time. Some people never want it. Some people have certain desires and fantasies. Others like it best as a three-step process, a routine the second Tuesday of every other month as clearly laid out in the schedule.
Some pressure might come from our partners. Some pressure we put on ourselves.
Am I sexy enough? Am I big enough? Do I perform well enough?
So what do we do with all of this pressure? Real talk: This is a huge struggle for us! The subject comes up. The pressure mounts. Walls go up. Nothing happens, and then there is rejection, which causes pain, which increases the pressure, which further enshrines the walls of defense.
This is what has worked for my wife and me:
First off, we have to stop comparing ourselves. Since we don’t usually watch our friends have sex (again—not judging), we have nothing to base our expectations on except for what we see on the boob tube.
We all know this, but it needs to be said: Those people are actors, and that version of sex is not real. Seriously! Why are you moaning? He is just kissing your neck. I know he is real man-purdy, but you cannot orgasm from a neck kiss, so please stop making that noise.
We go into our bedrooms (or a random room of the house if we want to get crazy), and it looks nothing like that. You try to slam her up against the wall like you saw on Netflix, but instead of orgasmic neck kisses, she just gets a minor concussion and a chipped tooth somehow.
Hollywood is not real life, and porn is even further from it. Again, they are actors. So stop comparing. Stop expecting your partner to live up to to that. My wife and I have gotten to the point that we just start laughing at many of the sex scenes we see. This communicates to each other that we think it’s just ridiculous and it’s not a healthy expectation for real life.
The other important thing to remember is that sex is not a performance. Sex is sold to us as two sexy people doing sexy things in sexy clothes and making sexy sounds from the moment they first look at each other. For some people, that might be real life. And we hate you!
But even for those folks, we must remember we are not going to be young forever. So if sex is a performance, you might be asked for encores now, but after 20 years, nobody is buying tickets for that show!
So what’s the alternative? What if sex is about two people that are so in love that they just want to be together? Nothing in between them, so close that their bodies come together.
God has designed our bodies to hormonally connect during sex in order to take our relationships to a whole new level. Let’s allow sex to be a moment of intimate connection with the one you love.
When you’re having those moments where everything is great and you feel like you’re in that just-started-dating addiction stage again, celebrate it with sex.
When your partner is a jack-wagon and you just want to punch them in the face, pull their body close and show them grace and love.
Let’s remember that sex is about connection and not performance, so therefore, sexiness isn’t about how well she can rock that lace corset with the boobs cut out. It’s about how much it turns you on that this girl has loved you through the craziest times of your life. That together, your bodies may have created life that shares your DNA.
If you’re lucky enough to find a life partner, remember he or she is the one you get to be intimate with your entire life—so find the beauty in them and always choose to see them as sexy.
Lastly, remember that it takes two to tango. I mean, this can be a one-man show, but it’s a lot less fun and gets a little messy. Since there are two people involved, you should consider your partner in everything. In a serious relationship, you’ve committed to serve someone and love them through all that life throws at us.
Your partner’s job is not—nor was it ever—to be your servant, to pleasure you, or to meet all of your needs. You cannot put that on anybody. You enter into a relationship, marriage or otherwise, because you love someone and want to do everything you can to make them happy.
Love is never a selfish action, so if, in making love, your thoughts are on yourself, it’s not very lovely.
Your partner is not failing to “meet your needs” if they aren’t doing it as often or they way you like.
Food: need. Shelter: need. Weekly BJ’s: not a need. Stop looking for your partner to fulfill all your pleasures and instead try to please and pleasure them.
Important note: No one has ever cheated on their partner because they are trying to love them better.
A funny thing happens when you take the pressure off of sex. It becomes more fun. When it is more fun, it is more likely to happen more regularly. When it happens more regularly, you are more connected, and when you’re more connected, your partner is more likely to have sex with you.
Instead of pressuring your wife or girlfriend into sex, start loving her. Remind her that you are attracted to her and find her sexy.
Final thoughts of poetic wisdom: It is easier to catch a fish by luring it in than by taking off your pants and jumping on it.
Relephant Watch: The Qualities to look for in a Life–mate.
Author: Bryan Baker
Image: Author’s own; kedai lelaki/Flickr
Editor: Callie Rushton