What Sex is like in Real Life: A Man’s Perspective. {Adult}

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I have a love-hate relationship with all things high-pressure.

I love being on stage. I have officiated sports games. But at the same time, it drives me nuts if someone watches me eat. Am I chewing funny? Did I eat something unhealthy? Is this actually your plate? What am I doing wrong?! Stop watching me! I can’t take the pressure.

Another thing we put a lot of pressure on is sex. Why is this? After all, these are the moments in our lives that provide the most intimacy and connection—alone, with just you and your partner. Usually, anyway, unless you’re into an audience—I ain’t judging.

Holy night though! There is so much pressure. Some of us want it all the freaking time. Some people never want it. Some people have certain desires and fantasies. Others like it best as a three-step process, a routine the second Tuesday of every other month as clearly laid out in the schedule.

Some pressure might come from our partners. Some pressure we put on ourselves.

Am I sexy enough? Am I big enough? Do I perform well enough?

So what do we do with all of this pressure? Real talk: This is a huge struggle for us! The subject comes up. The pressure mounts. Walls go up. Nothing happens, and then there is rejection, which causes pain, which increases the pressure, which further enshrines the walls of defense.

This is what has worked for my wife and me:

First off, we have to stop comparing ourselves. Since we don’t usually watch our friends have sex (again—not judging), we have nothing to base our expectations on except for what we see on the boob tube.

We all know this, but it needs to be said: Those people are actors, and that version of sex is not real. Seriously! Why are you moaning? He is just kissing your neck. I know he is real man-purdy, but you cannot orgasm from a neck kiss, so please stop making that noise.

We go into our bedrooms (or a random room of the house if we want to get crazy), and it looks nothing like that. You try to slam her up against the wall like you saw on Netflix, but instead of orgasmic neck kisses, she just gets a minor concussion and a chipped tooth somehow.

Hollywood is not real life, and porn is even further from it. Again, they are actors. So stop comparing. Stop expecting your partner to live up to to that. My wife and I have gotten to the point that we just start laughing at many of the sex scenes we see. This communicates to each other that we think it’s just ridiculous and it’s not a healthy expectation for real life.

The other important thing to remember is that sex is not a performance. Sex is sold to us as two sexy people doing sexy things in sexy clothes and making sexy sounds from the moment they first look at each other. For some people, that might be real life. And we hate you!

But even for those folks, we must remember we are not going to be young forever. So if sex is a performance, you might be asked for encores now, but after 20 years, nobody is buying tickets for that show!

So what’s the alternative? What if sex is about two people that are so in love that they just want to be together? Nothing in between them, so close that their bodies come together.

God has designed our bodies to hormonally connect during sex in order to take our relationships to a whole new level. Let’s allow sex to be a moment of intimate connection with the one you love.

When you’re having those moments where everything is great and you feel like you’re in that just-started-dating addiction stage again, celebrate it with sex.

When your partner is a jack-wagon and you just want to punch them in the face, pull their body close and show them grace and love.

Let’s remember that sex is about connection and not performance, so therefore, sexiness isn’t about how well she can rock that lace corset with the boobs cut out. It’s about how much it turns you on that this girl has loved you through the craziest times of your life. That together, your bodies may have created life that shares your DNA.

If you’re lucky enough to find a life partner, remember he or she is the one you get to be intimate with your entire life—so find the beauty in them and always choose to see them as sexy.

Lastly, remember that it takes two to tango. I mean, this can be a one-man show, but it’s a lot less fun and gets a little messy. Since there are two people involved, you should consider your partner in everything. In a serious relationship, you’ve committed to serve someone and love them through all that life throws at us.

Your partner’s job is not—nor was it ever—to be your servant, to pleasure you, or to meet all of your needs. You cannot put that on anybody. You enter into a relationship, marriage or otherwise, because you love someone and want to do everything you can to make them happy.

Love is never a selfish action, so if, in making love, your thoughts are on yourself, it’s not very lovely.

Your partner is not failing to “meet your needs” if they aren’t doing it as often or they way you like.

Food: need. Shelter: need. Weekly BJ’s: not a need. Stop looking for your partner to fulfill all your pleasures and instead try to please and pleasure them.

Important note: No one has ever cheated on their partner because they are trying to love them better.

A funny thing happens when you take the pressure off of sex. It becomes more fun. When it is more fun, it is more likely to happen more regularly. When it happens more regularly, you are more connected, and when you’re more connected, your partner is more likely to have sex with you.

Instead of pressuring your wife or girlfriend into sex, start loving her. Remind her that you are attracted to her and find her sexy.

Final thoughts of poetic wisdom: It is easier to catch a fish by luring it in than by taking off your pants and jumping on it.



Relephant Watch: The Qualities to look for in a Lifemate.



Author: Bryan Baker 

Image: Author’s own; kedai lelaki/Flickr

Editor: Callie Rushton

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Bryan Baker

Bryan Baker is an online relationship coach for couples with his wife. He has three kids age three and under who are redheads just like him. When he isn’t busy changing diapers, or waking up in the middle of the night with littles, you can most likely find him hosting 20+ people at his home playing games, eating food and just sharing this messy life together.

After working through tough situations like miscarriage, infertility, joblessness, being on government assistance, and having no place to live with two kids and one on the way, Bryan realized he and his wife could offer other couples the tools they used to repair their relationship, keep it together, and build it into something that is better than he could’ve imagined. He works from a place of wanting to make sure couples understand they are not alone and that he and his wife are in this with them and want to walk this journey alongside them—being real and raw the whole way through.

Bryan and his wife do weekly live Facebook broadcasts covering different topics to help you improve your relationships. You can learn more about their work on their website or on their Facebook page.

Peter Vellos Valcarcel Oct 24, 2018 11:27pm

I think this article is a little romanticized, simplified and a little judgemental to people who’s relation ships don’t fit this candy coated idealic image of a relationship. Also what/ who’s god are you talking about having created us to be soul mates together. I think y’all need to re evaluate your audience and also consider the wider verity of non normative relationships that happen these days. I’m not saying I disagree with the entire article but I think it’s simple and y’all can do better.

Pamela Kelley Evans Jan 3, 2018 10:28pm

This was so cute! I laughed because it is true. Thank you!

Robin Vermeer Bobo Dec 29, 2017 4:44pm

Good article, but yes, you can orgasm from a neck kiss. #beentheredonethat

Bryan E. Baker Aug 28, 2017 6:31pm

Danni, I am so sorry I missed this comment. Thanks for reaching out and being vulnerable and real. I love your honesty and desire to truly connect with your man. It is tricky to provide helpful advice in a response section on a blog site. Especially without knowing your whole situation - or more importantly his. So here is a few quick thoughts that will hopefully be helpful to you. First - know that this is not a reflection on you. Know your worth and beauty and don't rely on anyone else to receive that. Second - know that your man has an entire lifetime of reasons that he is not connecting with you in that way. Just continue to love him and do your best to connect with him. Ask him what connection looks like for him and how you can better serve him. Look for opportunities to delve deeper into why sex is not a point of connection for him and why he seems to be opposed to it but I would start with just making sure that his connection needs are met. We have a great quiz on our website that could help with this. Anything else we can do - connect with us at thebakers.tv Thanks!

Paul McLoughlin Jun 5, 2017 1:13am

Great article thankyou

Lakshmi Swathi Jun 4, 2017 2:35pm

Great great article

Danni Hartley Jun 4, 2017 7:38am

But what happens when it's the guy that hardly ever wants sex? And there's no oral sex from him at all. Mostly I'm responsible for getting myself off while we r doing it and it lasts less than 15 minutes. I know he's not cheating. He works from home and is around all the time. I've spoken to him on a few occasions about this issue he has with sex and there's always some excuse. Outside the bedroom he's a Prince Charming. Treats me so well. We get along great and there are no other issues. I can't bring this issue up again with him as I do not want him to feel bad or pressured in any way. I know that's not a good thing when it comes to men preforming. All I want is physical closeness and intimacy with the man I care about.....but once a fortnight if I'm lucky just doesn't cut it emotionally for me. Kinda at a loss for what to do anymore. I've tried dress ups, kinky txts through the day, lots of different stuff to no avail.

Sailee Hemmady Apr 20, 2017 10:14am

Brilliantly written, concise & apt

Bryan E. Baker Mar 16, 2017 4:25pm

Great thoughts Richard! Thanks for sharing

Richard Decater Mar 16, 2017 3:52am

Oh brother, "no judgments" although you've made good points regarding the subject. Sex is, in its simplest form. The unique mutually defined, natural intimate chemistry between two people they'll call Love. No two unions are alike. It's all (((One Love))) adventure.

Bryan E. Baker Mar 16, 2017 12:57am

Thanks Randi! Such a simple, but great compliment

Bryan E. Baker Mar 16, 2017 12:56am

This is so perfect and it's why my wife and I went into relationship coaching. It is so powerful seeing these moments of change as we have seen in our own marriage. The health of your relationships affects every other area of your life. Thanks so much for taking this to heart and sharing your thoughts. I love the realness! I wish nothing but the best for you and your fiancée and if there is anything more we can ever do for you - head to our website or find us on Facebook and we'd love to do whatever we can to take you to the next level in your relationship. Thanks!

Bryan E. Baker Mar 15, 2017 3:32pm

Thanks Josh! Life is best lived vulnerably and in community so it is powerful when we open up about the things nobody else wants to.

Randi Elisabeth Mar 15, 2017 3:06pm

Such truth and written with such engagement!

Amanda Hudson Mar 15, 2017 1:54pm

I needed this today. My fiance and I have been together for over three years now and are about to get married in May. During the time we've been together, we've spent about a year of that time doing long distance. We recently moved in together and are getting used to each other sexually again. On top of that, I have a much higher sex drive than him, which started driving a wedge between us. I would want it and be confused and hurt when he turned me down. I started feeling neglected and my thoughts turned to my old boyfriends and even co-workers. Even when we did have sex at this point, I was never satisfied and blamed him for "not knowing how to please me". This article has reminded me to stop being selfish. I am about to marry this man and I need to choose him, both emotionally and sexually, every day. Sex with him is not going to be like my past experiences or what I fantasize about in my head. Instead of focusing on my pleasure, I need to just focus on being close to him and, of sex happens as a result of that, that's awesome. It needs to be about nothing more than our love for each other. Thank you elephant.

Josh Martin Mar 15, 2017 5:46am

LOVE this perspective and it rings SO TRUE! Thank you for putting something out into the open that most will avoid and not talk about! :)

Bryan E. Baker Mar 15, 2017 3:44am

Wow! What a beautiful story of love. I'm so sorry to hear that he past. He sounds like an amazing man. Few men ever love well so it's beautiful that you got to receive that. Sounds like you have a perfect grasp of this area. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Bryan E. Baker Mar 15, 2017 3:40am

You are amazing. Thanks so much for your support and connecting with us!

Amanda Marie Kirby Mar 15, 2017 3:36am

this made me laugh and cry... "connection" it's so nice hearing it from a man's eyes... I know my kids dad (before he past) always worried about his performance... I told him... it's just about the connection...the moment... knowing that I'm that special one, and u made me feel beautiful on so many levels... idk.. anyways congratulations... this was amazing to read... I look forward to many more!

Tytra Ross-Billingsley Mar 15, 2017 3:33am

Great article! I subscribed to the newsletter as well!

Bryan E. Baker Mar 15, 2017 3:17am

Ha ha. Yes! Laughter makes everything better but especially the delicate moments. And yes - there should definitely be a psa at the bottom of those scenes. Do not try this at home - especially over a certain age. Lol

Rachel Divine Mar 15, 2017 3:03am

Well said! If there is no laughing during sex how are you gonna laugh during the really hard times? ( no pun intended!) BTW I think if you were to slam someone up against the wall over hte age of 50 they might break something!

Bryan E. Baker Mar 15, 2017 2:36am

Thanks so much Micaela! It was a ton of fun to write and a pleasure to share!

Erika Jane Baker Mar 15, 2017 2:34am

Isn't it? Bryan did such a great job!

Micaela Jo Mar 15, 2017 2:23am

This article is wonderful! Very real & honest. � Thanks for a great read!