I just don’t want to.

I just…can’t. No, I shouldn’t use that word. I can. I just…don’t.

Is this depression? Am I just being lazy?

One day, I feel so motivated and successful and the next, like total sh*t. I don’t really understand it. Is it more that I just don’t care today?

Just do it, just try, I tell myself, and so I do. I “just get out of bed” and “just drink some water” and “just eat some toast” and “just do what I am supposed to do.” I do all of those things.

I read somewhere that to beat procrastination, you have to work on something for five minutes before calling it quits. So I stare at the task ahead of me. Just five minutes. I stare for the longest, most miserable five minutes of my day. I stare and try to focus.

What am I supposed to be doing?

Two plus three—”uhhhh.” Why am I so stupid?

Maybe I’m just not in the right mindset? Okay, okay—do something you like for five minutes.

Go to the beach and feel the sun on your skin, I think to myself. No, that won’t work. I’m dressed, but the idea of moving is more than I can give to the world today.

Something funny it is. I watch a video. Usually I laugh; why isn’t this helping?

Writing, maybe I can write? So I write. But there are no words—I have nothing to say. Does it even matter anyway? Wait…why are there tears now?

I’m hyperventilating. Why do I feel angry? Why do I feel like punching a wall? I am so alone.

Xanax. Take a Xanax. Watch a video of rain. Stare at a wall.

Try to feel like a shell of a human.

Wiggle your toes. That feels nice. Just keep wiggling your toes.

It’s as if my ankle is stuck between two rocks and the tide keeps rolling over me. Once I feel like I’ve caught a breath, another wave comes.

But the waves aren’t bad experiences or things happening to me; they’re just my mood today.

Take your time.

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’m supposed to do things today. I have deadlines. Today is the deadline.

Don’t stop wiggling your toes. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe. Okay. You’re okay. You’ll be okay.

Today will be a mental health day.

Do what you need to do for yourself, not what the world needs from you.

So I do.

I paint and listen to music. I take a drive to the beach and listen to the waves where no one can see me. I breathe. I think about only my needs. Most of all, I lay in bed and stare at a wall for as long as I need to. Why is a blank wall so soothing?

And I remember: this is not every day.

We learn a lot about how to help ourselves when we listen to what we need. This article is not a cry for help. This article is for anyone who can relate.

No matter how deep and rough the waters, always remember that this is not every day.

Through living mindfully and practicing self-care, it will get better. From the support of kind doctors, attentive therapists, genuine friends, and dear family members, it will get better.

Until then, allow yourself to do only as much as you can.

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Author: Breanne Wilmot
Image: Unsplash
Editor: Callie Rushton
Copy Editor: Catherine Monkman
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