Do you Hold Her?

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What do you do when she cries?

Do you hold her awkwardly, telling her all the reasons why she shouldn’t cry, and see her as weak, pathetic, and needy?

Do you flee, hide, pretend you don’t see her pain, and hope she gets over it?

Do you get angry and ask, “What’s wrong?”—impatient for her to get “control” of herself?

Do you drop the ball?

Or do you honor her in her emotion, hold her without judgment, quietly stroke her hair, and let her know that you’re here for her, and everything will be fine?

A crying woman isn’t a woman out of control. A crying woman is a woman who, just for a moment, is giving you an opportunity to be her strength. Here is your window of opportunity to show her that she doesn’t have to always be strong, always powerful, always nurturing. If you blow this, you miss a very special opportunity to show her that she is safe with you, that you have her back, and that you are the kind of man that deserves to hold her heart.

Show up for her now, and you have empowered and reenergized her in ways you can scarcely imagine. A woman can birth, nurture, inspire, create, and celebrate, and bring amazing gifts to men…and on those rare times when they must fall into your arms and be held, they have earned that right to be vulnerable, to be open, and to feel safe.

And the amazing thing is that when you hold her in this space, you open that space within yourself. We all hold divinity within us, our mix of the feminine and the masculine. When we honor a woman’s time for vulnerability, we honor our own—and when we need to be held and loved, she will be there for us.

Just tell her that you’re here for her, and that it’s alright, that she doesn’t have to be strong all the time.

You’ll be amazed at the strength and connection that will result.

~

~

Author: Michael Inanna
Image: Annie Spratt/Unsplash
Editor: Callie Rushton
Copy Editor: Lieselle Davidson

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Michael Inanna

Relationship Alchemist, Trauma Release Wizard, and Cat Wrangler, Michael Inanna runs an intensive healing retreat program in Costa Rica with his Goddess/partner Freyja Inanna. Together they transcend the limits on conventional thinking and approaches, and daily create miracles with their clients. Send him a note via email or visit his website.

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Michael Inanna Mar 26, 2018 1:10am

You're right on. A good scrub so we can continue on in our strength, cleansed and renewed.

Liz Paulin Mar 15, 2018 5:48pm

I appreciate your thoughts on embracing our tears. We would all be stronger, healthier people if tears weren't so taboo. It's akin to when medieval europe considered bathing to be taboo. Our souls, just like our bodies, need a good clean scrub.

Michael Inanna Mar 12, 2018 4:55pm

Tim Dibble Thank you...I DO consider myself fortunate!

Tim Dibble Mar 12, 2018 12:00am

Michael Inanna it will always be a Gaussian distribution around the mean. As I phrased it “for many”. Consider yourself lucky to be on the short end of the mean and not the long.

Michael Inanna Mar 11, 2018 6:25pm

Tim Dibble I must respectfully disagree that it takes so long to reach a point of mutual trust. I have been with my Goddess for just over 7 years, and this has been an important part of our mutual support. She is so often the driver and even the strength as we pursue our mutual life goals. I know I can usually depend on her to be there for me, so I jump at the opportunity to "Hold Her into Her Strength (the original title of this essay) when it presents itself. Knowing I can be there for her leaves me feeling fulfilled and satisfied that our partnership is equal.

Michael Inanna Mar 11, 2018 6:19pm

Exactly...too many men are terrified, or at best confused - here's an opportunity for some quality, deep connection and support.

Michael Inanna Mar 11, 2018 6:18pm

Perfect! And congratulations for drawing in a quality partner who matches your energy!

Tim Dibble Mar 5, 2018 8:54pm

Monika Carless. In a long term committed relationship with bounds as you describe, honoring tears is natural. But for many that only comes after 10 years or so of being together. Few relationships last that long and I would hazard that no man, no matter his power or confidence will adequately deal with spontaneous tears. Certainly in a fight, yes, the man might, but unless context is clear (and often it is not) it is, on average, the male response to leave you to deal with it. The golden rule applies: do unto others as you would have done unto you. Few men, I presume, want their tears honored. We want to get over this weakness and resume our position of power and self assuredness

Monika Carless Mar 5, 2018 6:32pm

Speaking only for myself, I would prefer to have my tears honored and as a grown-ass woman, I wouldn't be tmepted to play any kind of game with my partner. I'd prefer my lover to have the courage to face whatever my tears meant than have him slink away fearing the worst. When a man stands in his power, he is ready for the storm, and does not take it personally. he is simply the loving container for it, transmuting it as he will. I have read a lot of David Deida, 'The Way of the Superior Man, as has my partner, powerful words on the male/female dynamic.

Tim Dibble Mar 5, 2018 3:48pm

Crying is a multi edged blade. Men are taught at an early age to suck-it-up buttercup. Crying is therefore confusing. Sometimes a woman will accept the honoring of the emotion, other times it will make it worse. Some women have learned to use crying as a weapon, knowing it disarms the man. Telling her it is alright is twisted to be demeaning and minimizing. Touching her, depending on the cause of the tears, becomes assault. It is the pure uncertainty of the situation which causes many men to flee-afterall they have been trained to be embarrassed by crying and assume the woman is too. Better to leave them alone to deal with whatever broke the resolve! There is no easy guidance and you have to expect that anytime there are tears, the attempted path will be the exact wrong one which gets written up in some guidance later.

Kimberly Carlini Mar 5, 2018 3:04pm

This is beautiful. It's very sad to me that some don't see 'her cry" as an opportunity, but as a threat to their person.

Crystal Anson Mar 2, 2018 3:00pm

Thank you for this! For the first time in my life I have a man who honors my emotions, he presents strength when I am not feeling all that strong myself. I am not made to feel I am too emotional or wrong. It's indeed a space that is needed to grow love and trust.