5.8
March 23, 2018

F*ck it, I’ll Always be a Wild Card.

Sometimes we ignore our truth only to eventually be slapped in the face with it.

I suppose I’ve always lived on the edges, the moments of in-between and never having enough. The dreamland where sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who lives there—the only one who can taste colors and smell the rain.

But in some ways, the very things I’ve struggled against are also those aspects of my soul that I love the most—and so, I guess it just comes down to not only acknowledging our truth, but also making the choice to live it as well.

I will always be a wild card.

Unpredictability will dance off my wings, tempting those around me with my uniqueness—but with the blink of an eye, I can disappear, leaving only the taste of sunshine and sugar stuck upon the lips of those who now wonder if I was ever really there to begin with.

But it’s deeper than that; it’s the truth that pulses deep within as a reminder that there are some of us who will always have an appetite for more, and because of that will always just feel more alive than those who are satisfied by yes, ma’am and thank you, sir.

However, just because I know who I am doesn’t necessarily mean I know what I want.

There is some futility in making us choose these paths that we are committing to for the rest of our lives—yet we remain unsure as to what we’re even going to have for dinner this evening, or what piece of clothing we’re going to wear tomorrow.

So, perhaps what I’m realizing is that not only am I a wild card, but that I need it all.

Yet this doesn’t mean what it sounds like at first; I suppose in some ways it’s the antithesis of what we are told romantic relationships should be. I want consistency, but spontaneity; freedom, yet stability; to be able to fly, but to also know someone has my back; a lifelong partnership of memory making and dream building, but sex so hot and erotic flames jump from my skin to his.

I want to be alone, yet with someone. I want to be comforted, yet feel the pangs of growth into a new dimension; I suppose it’s the acknowledgement that maybe I do know what I want, but it doesn’t look like anything we’re told exists.

For a long time, I suppose I’ve tried to fit myself within a certain mold: the life of domesticity and wifehood; but then I also tried on the single seductress, the Sunday church girl, the wanderer, the moody artist, and of course, the girl with just a ‘lil bit of street in her, who knows she’ll never take any sh*t from anyone again—and the thing is, they all fit.

Each and every persona, and life, and memory—it all fits. So, no, I’ll never be predictable. I made myself a promise long ago that I will never lose myself within the ability to bring pleasure to another; I will never make someone else a priority over myself.

But maybe the bigger truth is that there was a part of me that feared that you wanted nothing more from me than for me to simply be myself. See, despite this brave girl face and lips that pout with attitude, underneath it all: I’m scared.

Perhaps I’m more scared than most, but that only happens when we’ve been the only person we could count on for our entire lives—until suddenly, we meet someone who doesn’t run from our darkness and whose own “crazy” comes out to dance with ours. Until we meet someone who seems to be just as much of a wild card as we are.

I was ready to stay wild, yet hand the keys over to my heart—to fly free, yet to walk confidently in a path of trust with you—but all that changed in the moments and spaces that were created. We can never go backward; and so, I can’t travel back to that time when I was ready to jump with you. All I can do is stay on my own course and see if we’ll meet once again.

There have been so many times when my wild card tendencies kicked in, and I wanted to just say, “F*ck it…this is who I’ve always been, so I might as well keep to it, because if we leave someone or decide to not try, then we never actually have to risk being hurt.”

We never want to risk failure, but the truth is that, in those moments, we never take a risk for success either.

I never had any doubts about you—never second-guessed my feelings or intuition—but sometimes, we reach a point in which we begin to overthink…not because of what we’re receiving, but because of what we’re not.

I don’t have all the answers, and while I may not be able to predict tomorrow, I do know certain things will always be so: I will always be a mother, perhaps a nontraditional one, but a mother nonetheless.

I will also never let go of the commitment I made to myself several years ago—to never lose myself again and never forget the taste of my truth, simply because I enjoy the flavor of someone else’s love.

But you’re in my certainties too, because I know that while so much may remain uncertain, unknown, or undefined, I will love you forever—simply because I know you are the only one able to translate my madness into love, my crazy into peace, and my fears into faith.

At this point though, I don’t know what comes next…I don’t know where to go from here. And, I suppose within these moments, it’s just easier to say f*ck it—because the truth is, I have always been a wild card…and honestly, I probably always will be.

What it comes down to is whether you want to play the cards you’ve been dealt, or if it will always just feel like too big of a risk.

I just hope you remember that only taking great risks will lead to great rewards.

~

Relephant:

Never let Love Tame the Wild out of You.

~

Author: Kate Rose
Image: Elephant Journal archives
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Copy editor: Travis May

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