I settle into my skin in this way that feels sensuous and free, just like home.
And, I feel a trace of something…it’s the perfume of you, my future love.
The breeze sends a song of you too; it is deep and resounding and so peaceful.
Peaceful…that’s what I need.
That’s honestly, at this point, what shocks me—orienting toward pleasure, toward joy, toward harmony, toward me, and unknowingly, toward you.
Softness. Sweetness. Simplicity. Kindness.
These things have taken on an entirely new meaning to me, and I see them for what they really are: sacred gems. They fall from the sky, petal after pink petal—and I breathe the floral sweetness into my hungry lungs.
See, I’ve fallen down in the mud too many times at the hands of a toxic love that is more brutal than it is beautiful—a love that hurts more than it heals.
I can’t do that anymore. The change has already happened within me—the old, loud vines clear, and quiet blue sky opens up, lit from within by the sapphire glow of soul.
With you, it will be different…because I am different.
Our hands will brush up against each other—and we will feel a spark shoot down to our toes, but it will be unlike anything we’ve ever felt before.
It won’t immediately rage into an all-consuming fire. It will remain a spark, traveling up and down our bodies, in delicate shivers of goosebumps.
It will be subtle—both more mysterious and more known at the same time. It will twinkle upon us gently, but taste elegantly of the cosmos.
We will feel warmth and tenderness soak us through and through—but we won’t dive all the way in…not just yet.
Because that isn’t any fun, is it? That’s exhausting and dangerous—and tender hearts get tired of playing Russian roulette with our feelings.
This world moves so fast. Love moves so fast…too fast. Isn’t it enough to brush a stray strand of hair from my face as I smile at you, as you smile at me?
Isn’t it enough to talk for hours over tea and get a feel for the poetry, the pulse, and the passion of your soul?
Isn’t it enough to explore expansive pine forests and just breathe each other in, feeling that flicker of recognition deep within us—the thing that tells us this could be something really special?
Isn’t it enough to embrace one another as we say hello and goodbye—our cheeks close—but to wait to kiss?
Because we know that when our lips do finally touch…that spark, it will travel down to our bones. And, because it’s so gentle, it will pierce us like nothing before.
Because sometimes, only gentle things can pierce really deeply. Only gentle things can reach into the smallest, tenderest, hungriest spaces inside of us—the ones we thought didn’t deserve love. But, we will see that they deserve the most care and reverence of all.
And you and I, we will stand in the waves of this budding love—and we will simply bask in the gloriousness of it all.
Because maybe, we are both surfacing. I’ve been a mermaid for ages, diving down and dirty with all the mud and sh*t and pain. It’s been so raw and good.
But now…now, I rise from the dark blue depths to where the water is lighter, clearer. And, as I break the surface, oh air—there is so much air, so much space and warmth.
And, I see you in the light. I see you on the other side of the pain—I see you in sweetness, in laughter, and in the fresh, lilac air of spring; our hearts woven thoroughly with honeysuckle and hope so new it practically shines.
I see you—a star—on top of the jagged mountains I had to climb.
And, don’t get me wrong…I will still love those old depths—but in a new way. I will still want to hear of all your stories and mistakes, all the things you fear and love and desire—and you will get to hear of all my fears and ripest regrets; all the things, like fire, that made me into who I am.
Because I want to really know you—and I want you to really know me. But, there is a different way to go deep—a softer way—and that is what I am learning now.
So, I want to savor the exquisite pleasure of discovering you.
Because that’s what we will do—we will play and discover each other with utmost care.
We will set sail upon each other’s hearts. We will navigate and learn and listen and cultivate something substantial and nourishing. We will flip slowly through the pages of our hearts and be gentle with the fractured places, as we share the sentences that crystallize who we are becoming.
And all of that, my darling, I want all of that to be known and ventured through before you plant your lips upon mine, before your body melts with mine for the first time.
See, I’ve been reckless with my heart too many times. So now, I want the slow-burn of intentional discovery. I want a solid foundation, not a chaotic wasteland.
I am re-sanctifying myself. I am dropping down into this sense of peacefulness that I’ve never known. I am embracing my awkwardness, tasting my strengths, holding my vulnerabilities, and lighting up in ways I never thought I could.
And, in this quiet—in the peeled-back pages of this spaciousness—you speak to me.
Words pour through…a tear escapes the corner of my eye, and I get this sense of you.
Of you, the next man I will love.
It will be so different, because I am so different. Because when we do the real work to change, we have the chance to choose something new—someone new. And this should be celebrated thoroughly.
I close my eyes, and the world opens to me—all I can feel is peace.
I smile, and my lips part, pink and chapped from lapping up the sun-soaked morning light. And, I drop deeper into myself.
Because with you—my darling, who I haven’t met yet—with you, I will feel more myself than ever. And, you will feel more yourself than ever.
With you, it will be different…and our love won’t be perfect. But, it will be sacred. It will be harmonious. It will be lively and just plain fun.
We will respect each other and have epic adventures, the wind dancing through our hair as we explore familiar things with fresh bursts of wanderlust.
We will be committed to watering the seeds of this love, gasping in awe as they unfurl into the breathless fruit of reality. And, it will all be effortless at the same time—ease will flow through us, because we will know it’s just right.
This love comes up with the spring.
The roots are ready. The buds are bursting through the the dark, fertile soil of a long, wise winter.
Now, the whole world is covered in green—and these tears are happy tears.
We will create together, grow together, cry together, and become more beautiful together.
Your hand in mine…it will be passionate and sweet.
Soulful—but a slow glaze, like the sunrise…until it becomes noon, and the sun warms the entire world. Because it’s this subtle sense, this echo—a ripple from the future maybe.
I can only hear it when I’m really quiet—when I hear not thought, but the slow edging of the breeze tracing my cheek. And, it’s hard to feel that this could be real…that this amazing love is what I deserve.
“But it is…but you do,” that perfumed sense of you whispers to me, with the promise of a love deeper and sweeter and more real than anything I’ve known before, stamped on your breath like hyacinths.
“Relax,” you say.“Bask in all the beauty you are. That’s all I need you to do.”
And so, I curl up under the covers with my chamomile tea and do just that.
I focus on feeling really good within my body and on building my dreams with both hard work and delicious ease. I focus on nourishing every aspect of my being and showing up in my life (and for others) with the deepest care. With sublime kindness. With unbelievable joy.
That’s how you’ll find me…
When I’m most myself,
When I’m most relaxed,
When I’m at ease, settled into my skin—sparkling just from being me.
Won’t you come and sparkle with me?
Your hand in mine…
It will be passionate, playful, soulful.
A slow glaze,
Like the sunrise,
Until it becomes noon,
And the sun warms the entire world.
I have been waiting forever for that tender warmth.
And, I have this strange feeling that you have too.
**Bonus mindful video: “The One Buddhist Red Flag to Look out for.”
Author: Sarah Harvey
Image: Unsplash/Brooke Winters
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Copy editor: Travis May