The word “untenable” stuck in my head like a thorn.
I remember that this was the word I would use when I confided in my friends about my living situation before I finally moved out last year. So I was always kind of disappointed in myself when, after I finally became single again, I’d try to begin a new relationship with someone else.
Instead of investing all of my energy into engaging with my new lover, I’d wind up pining away for a lost love that existed primarily in my own head.
I would pick my daughters up and drop them off and I would look at their mother and feel these pangs in my gut that were straight up lies—I knew they were. The idea of getting back together, while on the surface reasonable, was actually nothing short of preposterous.
The thought occurred to me to broach this topic with my life coach for a number of reasons. First of all, even though a life coach’s primary purpose is to help their client stay focused and accountable for the goals they’ve set from one week to the next, I haven’t really needed any prodding in that direction for a while. Goal setting and goal achievement was where I excelled. My deficits were in the arena of relating to others and this mind game with the past I kept playing with myself.
Given all these factors, it just seemed to make sense to utilize her expertise for something a little more esoteric.
What we were able to suss out through a little honest back and forth, was that I was not exactly mourning the person I was no longer with, I was mourning what she represented: the past. And no matter how lame the past was or how obvious it was that it never served me in a positive way, it was still something I was familiar with and not entirely ready to let go of.
That is actually an understatement. I was virtually leaving claw marks on it. And, when I looked back over the course of the last 10 months or so, I saw the wreckage of close to half a dozen failed attempts at starting new relationships.
My coach, who fortunately has had the opportunity to study with Huna instructors in Hawaii, opened my eyes to the cleansing and necessary practice of ho’oponopono. The literal translation of the Polynesian word is “to put to right; to put in order or shape, correct, revise, adjust, amend, regulate, arrange, rectify, tidy up, make orderly, or neat.”
Now, I do not have the knowledge to instruct anyone on this practice, but since it helped me to make such valuable strides in an area I’ve been challenged with for so long, the idea occurred to me to at least write a little bit about it.
After the conversation with my coach, I roamed the web and researched as much as I could find. There was one site that was able to explain ho’oponopono in a succinct and useful way.
Simply put, it recommended meditating on a connection that could profit by being broken—say for example an ex-lover that you can not seem to let go off. With the person planted firmly in your mind’s eye, repeat the mantra:
“I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”
You may find, as I recently did, that just meditating in this fashion for a few days, or a week, can change your life significantly. The inability to let go will start to diminish. To be honest, if I was finally able to let go of the past and become more excited for the future and if I became more plugged in to the present, then there is hope for just about anyone.
I say this because what I have been struggling with regarding my ex-girlfriend was not really an isolated incident.
This has always been a difficult area for me. I went through this with my first kid’s mom 15 years ago and I can remember the same issues as vividly as if it were yesterday. So, to be perfectly honest, I feel as though I have finally made strides in an area that I never thought I’d get a handle on. It’s a great feeling.
Now ho’oponopono is a multi-faceted and three-dimensional technique that goes beyond just letting go of a person that you need to move on from. According to some scholars, it can serve a great purpose to cut your ties with everyone in your life and re-establish new ones with the people you want to stay connected to.
You can actually think of it as reviving worn and frayed connections and installing fresh and clean ones in their place. It’s done in the same way: “I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Voila! New connections.
There are times in our lives when we experience personal breakthroughs that are so incredible we want to shout it from the rooftops and this, essentially, is what I am doing here.
So if you struggle with letting go of a person or situation from your past, try ho’oponopono. I am sure, when you receive the kind of results that I recently have, you’ll be glad that you did.
Author: Billy Manas
Editor: Lieselle Davidson
Copy Editor: Nicole Cameron