Sometimes I struggle with finding the words to describe how I am feeling.
This is one of those times. We simply do not have the words to describe the incredible feeling of liberation the soul feels when the body is left behind.
Death terrifies us. It is the ultimate unknown. The ultimate surrender. It is the realisation that whatever we have done in our lives, it has all come down to this point.
We can take no material possessions with us, only feelings. And of our feelings, we have two choices: love or fear. This is even more evident in death and dying. If we can learn to surrender and be present in the moment, it can bring tremendous understanding of our life—and pure joy.
I had a secondary postpartum hemorrhage. I lost four liters of blood. I lost my life…as I knew it. When the first gush came, I remember feeling that the surrender of my life was unstoppable. I was not in control. There was no physical way I could stop this bleeding. I resorted to habitual fear and terror, panic and stress—but as time stood still, a bigger part of me, my universal self, took control.
She knew what she was doing because she never forgot her connection to divinity. She never had the moments of despair of separation from source. She made my choices obvious. Time and space slowed—fear or love? I thought for a moment. I thought on the fear. How it was increasing my heart rate and pumping the blood faster—therefore, I was losing it faster. Fear was not serving me.
I slowed my breath; I realised that for me there was no choice. I had been working toward this my whole life. I was going with love. I dropped into a state of grace, into my heart space…and I let it go. All of it. There was no time. No pain. Just a complete, relaxed calm.
Every event after that was enough to slow space and time. Fear or love? The endless stream of blood across the floor and watching it go down the drain. My life…every time I bordered on fear, panic, and terror, I breathed. Time slowed down. There was calm. There was space between the choices.
After an extremely long, tiring, aware day; I was exhausted. Tired of it all. Tired of the fear that kept rearing up again and again. Tired of living in fear my whole life. Tired of this life, this body. I wanted to rest. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to let go…so, I did.
An arm reached to me. “Come with us…or stay, you choose.” A small moment of fear, panic. What of my children? What of my love? But I knew the answer before it even finished forming. They had their own path. Their own life. It didn’t mean I loved them any less; I loved them enough to trust that they were loved, held, and on their own soul journey.
I reached out and grasped that hand. I let go. Freedom. Liberation. Light. Any time you let go, these are your rewards. A lightness and a joy that I had never believed possible. A remembering, an understanding that it all came to this. It all came from this. That this is the truth of who we are.
You don’t even have to give your life for these truths. They are always there—always waiting behind the fear. Fear is such a habit that we don’t even know there is another option. We don’t remember how to let go. I didn’t know how; I just did it. There was no other choice.
It wasn’t until this happened to me that I realised I was holding so much fear—about everything and anything! Once you are aware of your fears, that is the key to finding your way back.
So, why are we so afraid to let go?
It is this idea we have: that we are in charge. That we are in control. When, actually, we are not. The only thing we control are our thoughts and our response to situations—our choices. In those moments of letting go, I breathed. I breathed into the moment. And each time I took a breath, it anchored me to the moment.
In that moment, I knew there was nothing to do but let the intelligence that runs the universe—the stars, the planets, the sun, the moon, the Earth, us—to take over. I had to fall into faith—to know that when I released the control I had on my life, I would be caught. Embraced. Held.
And what reached out for me was so awesome, so amazing, and so normal that I wasn’t surprised at all. In fact, I knew. I had just forgotten. It was like meeting old friends I hadn’t seen in a long while. Like that at-home feeling, where you can relax with a sigh. A cup of tea with friends. A normalness that is tangible. A normalness of connection. That I am never alone. Never. Even in the darkest moments when I think I am alone, only my thoughts separate me from the divine truth.
So I am back. Here in my body. Choosing to be here, as I chose to go.
I was shown something—something powerful—for me to give up even the truest love, joy, and beauty. I came back to share with you the ultimate truth of who we are and from whence we came. I came back to tell you that self-worth is the key to everything.
I came back to tell you we are divine sparks of the universal intelligence—that we are one with all that is. It is the simplest truth, and one that eludes us throughout eternity.
I came back because I chose to fully love, accept, and be present with and for myself. It is the message for all of us. A message of freedom. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to love, forgive, and accept: you.
There is life after fear!
Author: Sharna O’Sullivan
Image: Unsplash/Geetanjal Khanna
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Copy Editor: Catherine Monkman