4.6
October 21, 2018

How I realised I was a Spiritual Codependant.

I delved into tarot cards, ayahuasca ceremonies, spiritual healings, intuitive accreditations, and endless online searches for more spiritual knowledge.

But, seeking these things in an imbalanced way can distract us from taking a deeper dive into what our spiritual path is really asking of us.

I have been stuck in this spiritually decorated maze of what I thought was leading me toward enlightenment for longer than I would like to admit. This looked like endless tarot readings, spiritual advisors, podcasts, YouTube energy forecasts, and new crystals that could help me to awaken and become enlightened.

You name it. If it seemed like it could provide me with some sort of spiritual knowledge, I was gobbling that sh*t up.

On the surface, I was searching for enlightenment, peace, empowerment, and truth. What I found out, however, was that it was keeping me stuck in exactly the place where enlightenment could never take root.

I was feeding the energetic patterns I needed to let die to make room for the void to birth the new. I was living in the wheel of my mind, needing to constantly be secured and reassured by the external reality of where I was, where I was going, what was coming in, where I was supposed to go, what my purpose was, what so and so thought of me, if this direction would be best for me, who my soulmate was, what my gifts were…and so on.

In this way, by seeking out information from a place of need and desperation, I was actually clogging the connection between me and what the universe was really capable of giving me: guidance, direction, reassurance, love, peace, access to deeper intuition, and surrender.

Surrender being the key word as we find ourselves wandering down the rabbit hole of distraction and insatiable desire for knowledge. We have to surrender the need to know in order to embody the truth of what our deepest wisdom is aware of.

Spiritual escapism.

Spiritual escapism is a codependency trait I realized I needed let go of in order to create more spaciousness to feel, to be, and to learn through the rhythms of life as it is meant to be. Being served by the divine, by surrendering into divinity. This give and take of cosmic flow. And it is something that most of us on the path have experienced.

When we are in the flow, synchronicities increase and we are given what we need to know exactly when we need to know it. But by trying to force this knowing because we perhaps feel uncertain, afraid, insecure, or not wanting to feel vulnerable to uncertainty, we try to create a safety net for ourselves by seeking out our answers outside of ourselves.

This only leads to more disconnection, frustration, confusion, and insecurity, creating a greater space between where we are and actually stepping into the light of who we are.

Delaying embodiment.

It is precisely the experiences of feeling lost, insecure, unsupported, and frustrated that are the gateways into a deeper integration of divinity. We cannot bypass any emotion in our journey to full illumination, as we may well know.

Are we willing to let go of the minds desire to control, to micromanage, and to know in order to surrender? If so we are ripe in our quests to take that next step into the void, where you will be transmuted into a brighter lightness than ever before. With a knowing that flows and adapts and grows with your each and every breath, each experience, throughout daily connection.

The way I do this is to sit in the void instead of clawing at the things I feel I need to know. Not looking to the outside to satisfy the chaos inside. Instead, I sit with desperation. I sit with my frustration. I sit with my insecurities. I sit with my fear. I sit with my disappointments. I sit with my desires. I sit with my pain. I sit with the pull to look outside for the answers I seek.

It is not about being black and white, but it is in creating enough balance and space for your own inner knowing to blossom and take shape. In this, we allow our hearts to witness and subsume our ego’s rain into the oceans of unity, into the field of freedom, into love, into eternity.

Where all is seen, all is welcome. All is surrendered into the light of holy silence of everything and nothing at all.

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