I’ve been told that good writing is achieved when one writes about something they know well.
This article should definitely be a winner—because I know suffering.
When I was 30, my sisters, work colleagues, and friends were all having beautiful, healthy babies. I was desperate to be a mother.
My first pregnancy lasted 14 weeks, and it ended with a “missed miscarriage.” This is where the embryo dies but does not automatically leave the mother’s body. A D&C operation was necessary to scrape the remnants of the pregnancy from my uterus.
By this time in my life, I had already been suffering from major depression—but my miscarriage really threw me into utter despair. I believe that the trauma of this event sent my depression to an all-time new level, and I definitely did not cope well.
I self-medicated with alcohol and prescribed medications. To make matters worse, I was often required to do extra work at my job in order to cover the pregnancy leaves of some of my coworkers. Like I said, everyone around me had beautiful babies. Oh, the agony.
I was constantly feeling the “screaming trumpets of rage, grief, and horror”—barely able to survive each day. I was in so much pain that I spent a lot of time planning an exit strategy. I was already being reckless with alcohol and my prescribed medications.
I was already taking two antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anticonvulsant, an upper, and also a downer. Yes, a brutal cocktail. You can only imagine the strange looks I got at the pharmacy when I went to get my pills. From the outside, I looked like a young, “put together” businesswoman.
Why in the world was I taking all this crap? Excellent question—and a good subject for another article.
Fast forward to my current age of 53. I have endured many more challenges. But miraculously, all this suffering has burned its way to a sense of inner peace. I have experienced the purification of the “dark night of the soul.” Suffering has definitely burnt off my negative ego.
In the past, my rational mind had a really hard time trying to understand why all these bad things were happening to me. Obsessively asking why caused my mind to ruminate and simply made me miserable—so I stopped doing this.
I now believe that life is a mystery to be lived and, if I keep my heart open, I will survive the pain and be better for it. All of my suffering has given me great compassion and wisdom.
There is real value in experiencing pain. Great achievements come from great suffering.
I have total faith that I will look back in time and truly understand why I had to suffer. I also choose to believe that the universe is a kind place and that everything happens so that we can evolve.
Just like evolution in the physical world where everything is always changing, there is also spiritual evolution. Eternally, there will always be another level to rise up to, and this is why I continue to regularly practice my spiritual work—yoga, meditation, and Buddhism.
The secret is to remain awake during this process and to look forward to the personal growth.
Yes, there will be pain. But if we believe that “this too shall pass” and we’ll be better in the end, then the pain is endurable. This mind-set is truly empowering.
We all need to learn at an early age to accept failure and not let it destroy us. Let’s teach this to our kids as soon as possible.
It all comes down to how we perceive and react to what happens to us in life. Accept the pain, feel the pain, and learn.
Try again and evolve. Repeat with joy and inner peace.