5.6
April 23, 2019

When all your Heart wants to do is Shut Down & You Think there’s Nothing Left in You—Know You’re Wrong.

 

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You try to fill the void.

To narrow down the spaces. To close the open doors.

For a while, you think you’re getting better, as you should, because isn’t time supposed to heal everything? But you’re catapulted back to square one every time you attempt to open up again. You think to yourself, “Aren’t you supposed to be fine by now?”

So, you go out to try again. Again, and again, and again.

The empty spaces are filled for a while, narrowed down by a stranger’s laughter; the closed door somehow opened by a great connection. If only your friends knew why you’re bravely putting yourself out there.

But even if they do, even if you do—something’s still missing.

You can’t feel anything. When all has been said and done and when the stranger is gone, you’re overwhelmed with the emptiness—the nothingness. The void that was once there is there again. But you keep trying anyhow because the human heart is resilient. It wants what it wants. And what it wants now is to be held once again.

But something’s wrong.

Your heart craves what it once had but you can’t give it again because what was there is gone. So, the heart throws a tantrum like a little child and when it finally realizes it will never have what it’s asking for, it sleeps. It shuts down. It closes off.

And it’s not because your heart has nothing left in it. In fact, it’s the opposite. Your heart has so much to give this time. It will do everything to feed its own craving.

But maybe, just maybe, you can’t feel anything because it’s not your time yet to feel again.

If you feel your heart shutting down, it’s not because you’re not capable of loving or being loved again. It’s only because your heart has been through enough and it needs to shield itself. Your heart needs to rest. Your heart needs to put its broken pieces back together again, because you can’t expect someone else to do it for you.

Until then, you can’t love fully, give fully, trust fully. Until then, you just have to wait until someone comes along—someone who won’t have to force their way into your heart; someone who won’t have to tear it wide open because if that someone is right, your heart will know it. You won’t have to beg it. You won’t have to question it. Your heart will recognize it.

You won’t even look for the lost love anymore. Because it’s going to be a totally new adventure, one that will make it hopeful again.

Until then, you have to let it be. If it’s tired, give it some rest. If it wants to cry, let the tears flow. If it’s longing for what was, let it reminisce. If it skips a beat because it sees something familiar, comfort it.

The emptiness might always be there. The hollow depth might suck you back in from time to time. But know that it’s there not because something’s wrong with you.

Almost always, the emptiness is there to give space to what’s next.

So, don’t worry, one day, your heart just might feel again.

~

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