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My girlfriend of six months and I broke up last week.
I allowed myself to love this woman deeper than I ever have any partner before. I was open to staying together at the time of our split; I love her still. Nevertheless, my heart is not “broken.”
The reasons for this are multi-fold: how the relationship was structured, how we both took personal responsibility for self, and how we both valued ourselves as two whole and complete individuals choosing to come together—for joy and fun, not need or dependency.
With an insider’s view into my physiological and emotional responses at this time, one might be tempted to label and conclude I am indeed in heart break. After all, I am a human being going through all the heartfelt, emotional responses expected from such a break-up.
Rather, I write this article as a reminder to self—and all—of the deeper and greater truths at play. The details and lessons are worth exploring.
Rules of Engagement
From the very start of our relationship—palpably feeling and dancing with each others’ energies in a messy apartment party kitchen—to the very last moment, the rules of engagement were clear: “We love each other. And, we only ever want what is in highest truth and good for the other person.”
Every four weeks or so, we would have a “relationship ceremony” to speak forward our truths. There was no judgement nor blame of the other person—because even when we think another person is causing an issue in us, truly it is only us allowing an issue to be created in our own life.
So, we got to share our ever-evolving needs and awareness with each other: what was working well and feeling good, what was not working well and how we desired to improve. We were able to decide, individually and collectively, if the needs and desires of our partner continued to reside in union with the greatest needs and desires of self.
Every time it did, we grew closer in love and harmony. When it no longer did—when we could no longer find middle ground on how each and both of us could operate in ways simultaneously serving the greatest good of both the relationship and self—it was time to move on. Time to allow the other one to follow their own path, needs, and desires.
Is this not what true love is?
Attachment, Self-Worth, and Energies
Due to real-life circumstances that arose, my partner was no longer able to show up in the relationship with the same energy and commitment that I desired and deserved. I spoke this forward; she acknowledged it to be true. And, upon further exploration, we discovered that this was indeed what she needed at this time—for her own growth and well-being. So it goes, sometimes.
There is an easy way we could have stayed together (at least in the short term): I could have not spoken forward the uncomfortable truth which had arisen in the relationship. I could have silently accepted that I must settle for less than I know I desire and am worth. I could have kept sucking it up to avoid the temporary greater discomfort of speaking forward my truth.
Fortunately, I am strong enough to know that I do deserve what I desire, that the universe always meets us where we show up for self, and that the truth always comes forward over time—either as we consciously decide or unconsciously allow. So, I released attachment from what was, and continued to honor the energies of truth.
For attachment to the relationship would have been misguided anyway. It would be attachment to the relationship that was—attachment to a perception of a relationship that was no longer actively reflective of the true reality, now.
In the now moment of the relationship, there was nothing left to be attached to. I continued to celebrate the relationship that we shared, the love that we experienced. And, in the now moment, the energies that had been a yes for six months turned into a no.
We honor the energies, always.
It is easy to look back on relationships with sadness for what is “lost,” resentment for what did not go “right,” and anger for what no longer “is.”
In life, we must take full responsibility for self, we must show up in greatest integrity in all moments. And then, we must acknowledge that most of what unfolds is completely out of our control. Seems a little silly to hold ourselves emotionally accountable for what we have no control over, no?
For the pieces I did have control over, I rest easy looking back at the relationship with no regrets. Within reason, I never left anything unsaid, loving or difficult. I never under or over extended beyond what felt good in me. I never acted in ways out of integrity with self “because” of my partner.
I loved deep and full, so that when this moment came—the moment when the relationship comes to a screeching halt, transferring over from physical reality into reruns in the theater of the mind—there is nothing but joy, satisfaction, and love for what was.
Full integrity, zero regrets.
There is no scientific nor quantitative measurement for when a heart “breaks.” Rather, it is an interpretation of emotional experiences—as being too hard or difficult—which represents the threshold between sadness, tenderness, or ache into heart break.
The reason I am not heart “broken” is because I have vastly expanded my tools and comfort zone of emotional expression so that I can feel and move through the emotional experiences of this difficult time without becoming the emotions themselves.
I have cried many times—not cute tears, but full-body spasms, screams, releases. A whole new expression has come through me with the guitar-sized chunks of my former self painfully dislodging from host with every note, cadence, and pluck. Even this article flows out with zest, a channeling of the energies otherwise festering inside of me.
Through all of these experiences—in the midst of the tears and screams and emptiness and resentment that may and do arise—I maintain awareness and perspective. I honor that this is a byproduct of an experience which I would not wish to cancel nor negate. That this is only for now. That it’s totally okay to feel this way.
With this, what would otherwise enter into the dangerous terrain of heart break is instead me being accepting and understanding with where I’m at. I celebrate my human emotional responses (i.e. aliveness sensations) that I now get to experience and move through.
For my further growth and well-being, always.
Thank you, my dear, for sharing your love with me. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for the innumerable lessons, growth, laughter, joy, love, and connection.
My ego is in a mourning process, while my soul celebrates the successful completion of another beautiful chapter of life.
This is for our growth and further goodness ahead—when we believe it to be and allow it to flow, so it is, always.
So, with heart-full tears streaming down my face, I say:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.