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June 14, 2019

Inner Monologue of a Fat Girl.

 

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Sometimes I wonder if I’m a fraud

Preaching self-love while I’m disgusted with the human in the mirror
I wonder how it would feel to punch the glass
Make it shatter into as many pieces as I have insecurities
Don’t bother counting them
They’re next thing to infinite

My insecurities get together and amalgamate into one voice telling me
I’m an undeserving fat f*ck
Undeserving of food
Undeserving of love
Undeserving of life

I take back the word fat like it’s empowering
But it’s not really empowering unless it’s a choice
It’s not a choice calling myself fat when it’s just a fact
It’s just an adjective to describe this body

I compare myself to every woman I see based on size
And even the bigger ones win as they always have better proportions
Whatever “better” even means

If skinny is the norm why are there only ever extra-small shirts left on sale
If it’s all about health why is smoking an “aesthetic”
Think Lana Del Rey
A cigarette is an accessory between two thin fingers with acrylic nails
But fat people are shamed for existing in the world they were born into

Why is a summer picture of a thin girl in a bikini customary
But when I do the same I get called brave
Fat and brave
Fat and brave
Fat and brave
So fat
So brave

My body is a political statement
My body is up for debate
My body is on trial
I cover it in all the layers I can find

Sometimes I wish I could disappear
Sometimes I wish I was so thin people would ask if I was okay
Instead of being so fat they just whisper and laugh.

~

Leigh Greenthorn

author: Leigh Greenthorn

Image: IMDB

Image: Author's own on Instagram

Editor: Naomi Boshari

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