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July 4, 2019

Thank you for not loving me: by Toni O’Keeffe

Thank you for not loving me.

Thank you for keeping me waiting in the background of your life just in case.

Thank you for making me feel less worthy than others and making me think nobody could possibly love me.

Thank you for sleepless nights and dreams that never came true.

Thank you for the constant ache as I hoped.

Thank you for another layer of heartache and grief to lay over the ones already there piercing my mind, body and spirit.

I’m grateful that you played with my heart and lied to my soul.

Because of you, I fell.

I fell to a place full of feelings and words and understanding.

I fell into a place where the only choice was to crawl upwards.

I know now that none of it had anything to do with me.

I am bold, beautiful, passionate, wise, kind, loving and funny and sometimes, some people just don’t know what to do with all of that.

But someday, somebody will.

If you had loved me I might have been tempted to hide all that I am to allow you to feel better about all that you are not.

If you had loved me I would have stifled my voice and curtailed my excitement about the things and people that bring me to life.

If you had loved me I would not have been true to myself or lived an authentic life.

If you had loved me I would have settled and eventually wanted more.

I love you and I’m grateful that you entered my life, you have given me the opportunity to look inward and finally see all the beautiful music and magic that I am.

So, thank you for not loving me.

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