October 5, 2019

A Spiritual Guide to Swiping Right.

Spirituality mentioned in the same sentence as dating, let alone Tinder?

You might be thinking to yourself, No way, where could there possibly be a connection here?

Well, in the age of the shortest attention spans in history and a plethora of apps serving up more dating options than you could possibly imagine, the need for a grounded, mindful approach to dating has never been more relevant.

Being overly inundated with options doesn’t seem to help either. And what ever happened to chivalry? One might say that the art of genuine connection has been all but forgotten in certain cases, watered down by the transactional nature of Facebook, Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, and other instant-access apps that make choosing potential partners easier and faster than ordering a latte at Starbucks.

So where is hope to be found for genuine and authentic connections amid the fast food, shortened attention span ridden era of dating?

The answer is spirituality, which boils down to mindfulness and intentionality. That’s right, it all comes down to making the conscious choice to communicate true desires clearly, standing up for what you truly deserve, and then allowing the universe to support the natural flow of connection in the best way possible.

Here are inspired actions for you to put into practice to bring your intentionality and consciousness into your dating experience so you can welcome more magic into your life, starting now:

Date Yourself First

If you don’t love you first and foremost, how can you expect anyone else to show up for you in a way that feels aligned? Why do you have to wait for someone else to show up to bring you flowers? Go buy yourself some, and pick out exactly the kind that you like.

Why do you have to wait for someone else to come take you out to dinner? Isn’t it even more fun to go pick wherever you want to go eat and enjoy the evening precisely according to what you desire?

Get used to spending time with you and strengthening your connection to yourself and your inner guidance. Get to know what you truly desire so that once you are in partnership, you can clearly communicate to your partner what you need to feel supported.

Source Confidence, Reassurance, and Love from Within Yourself

For much of my younger adult life, I was in long-term, super codependent relationships in which I was always subconsciously looking to the other partner to validate my existence in various ways, albeit passive aggressively.

I do believe that underneath all of that, I was who I am today at my core, which is a loving, kind, thoughtful person. But at the time I was so insecure and codependent that I had developed a deep need for my partner to reassure me that I was okay, that I was needed, and that I was in the right place. I used to love being chased after as well.

The shift to sourcing this inner confidence from within you, independent of needing assurance from your partner, certainly doesn’t happen overnight—but it can happen faster than you think. Start with consciously developing an inner dialogue with yourself, stopping intermittently throughout your day to ask yourself what you truly desire.

What would feel most aligned with your needs in this moment? Then wait for your intuition’s response to come through and take action in support of whatever you receive. This is the best way to start cultivating that relationship and solid foundation for your own inner knowing, confidence, and integrity. And trust that you’ll soon start showing up to interactions with potential partners completely differently.

You are the Most Important Person in your Life, so Put your Own Needs First

Honor what’s truly best for you. If you have a pattern of always putting others’ needs before yours, that’s a sure-fire recipe for codependency and creating an immediately unequal playing field for any relationship you’re seeking to cultivate, intimate or otherwise.

I had to face firsthand the desire to go online to find dates so that I could instantly have people give me attention and validate me for my looks and other superficial elements of my personality. That superficial validation was an instant hit of confidence; it made me feel like I was finally seen, like I mattered and I had value. Even though I wasn’t thinking about that at the time, that’s really what was going on. I wasn’t making an OkCupid profile like, “I hope I can provide some value for myself by getting attention from people.” I was genuinely trying to find a partner or someone to share an intimate partnership with, even though I wasn’t fully capable of doing that at the time.

Be Clear on What You Value and What Matters Most to You; Never Settle

If you just want to hook up with someone, then be honest about that. First with yourself, then with the other person, so there’s no weird dishonesty. There’s no beating around the bush, and it’s like taking full responsibility for the situation that you’re creating and what you’re inviting someone else into, right?

Taking full responsibility for that. That’s living in integrity. And it’s totally fine. There’s no judgment. You can do whatever you want, you know. That’s the beauty of this platform, too. You can really find whatever you want, but I recommend being clear in your intentions, even as you’re searching and talking to people.

It will really help you attract what you’re looking for, because there are people out there who are great people who are looking for real partnerships and are looking for real connection and genuine, authentic partners, not just a hookup or a one-night thing or whatever it may be.

So, if you really want that, if you’re wanting a real partnership with someone and to have a deep experience, then you better be clear on your intention going into the dating, going into looking for people, that that’s really what you want and approaching it from that intention.

Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable: This is Real Intimacy

A truly conscious relationship allows for fear, anxiety, and insecurity to come up and holds space for an engaged discussion and investigation of what those experiences feel like and how they can be processed and, ultimately, learned from.

You know those moments when you’re with someone and you have something happen in your mind and you’re like, “Oh, I’m so afraid. I wonder what they’re thinking,” or “I feel like I sound dumb.”

But if you are committed to being conscious in your relationships and creating a space of true integrity and honesty, you can instead say: “Hey. This is on my mind. This is what my mind is telling me. This is what’s coming up.” All of your fears and anything you feel like keeping to yourself to hide from your partner are blocks to love and allowing yourself the full spectrum experience of connection.

Get clear on what you truly value and what you want to feel like in your partnership, and then trust that you can create your ideal experience when you’re willing to show up all the way for your own authentic expression.

Get Clear on your Dating Intentions: What Do You Want?

If you have a clear intention of wanting to find a partner, you’re not just swiping through, like “hot, hot, hot, not hot.” You’re taking the time to look at that person’s bio, to look at people’s real personality to get a feel for who this person is and checking in with yourself, like “How does this make me feel? How do I feel about this?” And taking it a little bit more slow and being more patient and trusting that the flow will happen a little bit more easily that way.

Every relationship is so unique. Each person is so unique; what we need is so different. The more that we can be honest with ourselves about what we really want and what we really need, the more we can bring that into our relationships and encourage other people to do the same for themselves.

This kind of intention has such far-reaching effects and can actually change the whole world. Think about what happens when people are in happy relationships with themselves and with others, truly creating powerful foundations for honesty and deep vulnerability.

Make your Dates More Mindful with Meditation

Intentionally start treating your dates like practice for your ideal dating experience, which you’re constantly preparing yourself for. Ask yourself: “Who do I want to be? What feels really good for me to practice? And how do I want to show up?” Try doing meditation before you go on dates. Get dialed in, and as you’re on the date, check in with yourself.

While on a date, go to the bathroom and just take a moment to separate, or even when you’re in the conversation with your date, check in and ask yourself, “How do I feel? How is this person’s energy affecting me? Does this feel like we have a connection?” Constantly check in with yourself to make sure that you feel good and always follow that internal guidance, and if someone isn’t always on your vibe and they’re making you feel weird or uncomfortable, you have the power to leave.

You are the one who you’ve been looking for and been waiting for, and everything changes when you start to show up for and really love yourself like you deserve. It’s the most revolutionary thing that any of us can do.

You are so worthy of the best. Never settle. We’re not alive to settle for anything, right? We’re not on this planet in this lifetime to settle.

We deserve the best, and we deserve to be ecstatic about our lives and excited about our partner and our community.

That’s what we’re here for.

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