4.2
December 1, 2019

Keep your “Love and Light” & “Good Vibes Only.” I Want to see your Darkness.

*Warning: f-bombs dropped below! 

~

Keep love and light for yourself, please.

Show me the ugliest corners of your psyche—what they look like, how they feel.

Tell me the story of the lines in your forehead and the black wrinkles under your make up.

Tell me the story of so many sleepless nights. Nights you couldn’t sleep because of your worry, your depression, or your fucking around and having fun in the most bizarre of ways.

Tell me how your body moves to the rhythm of your unique sexual energy. What do you make of it? Do you hide it, or show it to yourself before revealing it to others?

Keep your fucking “positive vibes only” sign away from me.

I am busy observing how my darkness crawls on my skin like a wet, silk blanket. It asks for my attention, feeding both hemispheres of my brain with insights I am scared to acknowledge. They seem so familiar and yet so foreign to my spirit.

I am busy sitting and bowing to the dark clouds that pour rain over my head to wake me up from all the inner bullshit that has made me feel small, insecure, and unworthy for my entire life.

I am busy having a conversation with my inner darkness. She does not give a fuck about conventions, how I think I am supposed to be, or how I feel I am supposed to live my life. She tears up my entire belief system, and for a moment, I am left naked, with no psychological support. The tears begin to flow.

Because for a while I feel lost. For a while I don’t know who I am anymore. The one I think I am begins to disappear.

I ask my darkness to be gentle with me, but she responds “Honey, your old ways are over. You must wake up and accept me as part of who you are, or you will never feel free and thrive in your life.”

Our inner darkness can take many forms and shapes. It has different tastes for each of us. It calls to each of us for different reasons.

But one thing is certain: Your darkness will call it quits on your intimate relationship with your inner crap. It will clear your inner space and leave you naked. You will shiver, and tremble, and look for something to cover yourself up. Forget about it. That’s not the purpose of your inner darkness.

Her purpose is to break you open to who you are within—in all your shapes and hues, not only the single color of your preference.

There is so much more to who we are. We know so little of the one that dwells within. We see and accommodate in our being only those parts that feel appreciated, appropriate, and socially accepted.

We see what we want to see and skip what we don’t want to see: the selfish, the jealous, the paranoid, the sexually explosive and unashamed, the whore, the ugly, the depressed, the unworthy, the one who has failed to understand their whole being in its totality and will never succeed until the inner darkness is honored as equal to the inner light.

There is so much that is buried deep within that wants to come to life and live. It erupts with the slightest of triggers.

We don’t realize when we push things down in the dark that they are bound to become seeds that will—sooner or later—sprout with such intensity that they collapse our entire life. No more masks.

 

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