WHAT ARE YOU WORTH?

Your anger may have the answer?

That was the question I had to ask myself yesterday.

I had to do it…It was time to do an emotional check in – I know when I am annoyed by most everything – it is a bright red STOPSIGN to dig deeper.

Because that THING you are angry about, it’s usually not, what you are ACTUALLY angry about!

But digging deep – like an undertaker at a cemetery – trying to shovel all THAT dirt with your own hands -it’s hard freaking work.

If I knew I was going to find a buried treasure, I would have a lot more incentive!

But ya just don’t know…

When I decided to pull out my mental shovel – THERE IS WAS glaring at me as brightly as a shiny new penny,-with equal the value. It didn’t seem to be worth much, so why fret about it right ?

Hmmmm… Well, WHAT IF that had been my lucky penny?

One I always brought with me, everywhere superstitiously since childhood?

Or I one had carried in my pocket to run fingers over its edges when I need to feel grounded?

Or that one I found once, made a wish on and it came true?

The value of that penny goes up exponentially!

My life is a one of metaphors….

And my value, far too often determined by the currency rate of exchange with others.

And a few months ago, someone took THAT penny.

I will admit I didn’t say no – but I handed it over unwittingly – it felt like a violation but I handled it by sitting on it, blaming MYSELF for being naive, while I waited, hoped, prayed even – for a return.

I’ve had my purse stolen three times and that person never called to apologize nor did they give it back!

But I always hoped they would… I tend to give assholes, far more credit then they deserve.

Like go ahead, take the money -but at least give back my ID! ( my identification – that’s a whole other blog )

Now, let me stop right now, before saying…Ahhhh, well…that was a nice thing to do, my heart was in the right place… blah blah blah….

I didn’t do it just to be nice, thought I am a nice person. I did it because I NEED others to believe it first then hopefully I will too.

Pitiful AF.

I did it because i’m a recovering co-dependant on others to FILL my void of ” not good enoughess’ to feel good about myself – who just realized she lost her fucking sobriety so a sip from their chalice that held my self worth.

I see it – my need to be needed and it makes me cringe – which is a DAMN good thing!

I’m the kind of person that has always tried save others – and that worked for a long while at making deposits here and there, into my tiny piggy bank of self esteem – until it DIDNT.

Because Honey – it was commission based transaction and my cheque’s and balances, most often, ended up in f*cking overdraft.

I’ve been trying really hard the last several years, to start making deposits into MY saving account of WORTHINESS….

Life is no different than my bank – if ya pay a bill from your savings account – there is substantial freaking FINE.

I asked a teller once how the hell they can get away with just going into my account and taking out MY money…..I felt bad. It was her first week.

She wasn’t sure what the answer was I don’t think….but she did say “ Maybe they are trying to say…like… those are your savings and your not supposed to use them all up – so maybe that’s why they penalize you? “

That’s some free therapy right there – there is a penalty alrighty!

And it ain’t got nothing to do with the something that someone owes me ( but if you are reading this – this is your FINAL INVOICE! )

No, it has everything to do with the fact along along WITH that something..

ME.

I GAVE AWAY a piece of my own self worth and dignity right along with it and I can never get THAT back.

So there it is – the digging – it gets easier once it becomes a daily expedition but it still sucks!

But if I don’t dig deep….

I will keep searching in all the wrong people, in all the wrong ways, in all the wrong places, to TRY AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER….

So I’m calling BS on all the reasons and rationalization I try to make: to excuse, minimize, explain, understand, make sense of, tolerate, this kind of transaction.

My self sabotage of : “ Sure, I will give you what I do not have to give, freeze, fawn and pay the interest on a debt that is NOT mine, if you pleeeaaaasssseeee, be nice to me, think I’m a good person, hold a space in your heart for me and validate my need to be needed.”

BARF.

That girl has up and left the building.

I have no bucks left to give.

That ship has freaking sailed.

I’m headed out to the polluted waters and ya, maybe that sounds scary but you know what IS scary?

The fact that I SPENT decades thinking the shore was the SAFE place to stand .

All the while – I prostituted my very SOUL for spare freaking change, while standing there, waiting for the tide to roll in.

So to that dear someone I trusted and to every other someone, who I believed loved me, who took something from me, by a hosting a pity party, manipulation, grooming, love bombing, seduction, violence, intimidation, lies or good old frigging guilt…..

Cha Ching, Cha Ching, Cha Ching…

Can you hear that?

Ya, that’s me – putting my self worth back in my own damn pocket!!!

This Trauma Queen – I may not be any richer but I’ve GOT A WHOLE LOT WISER…..

And that…

THAT….cannot EVER be taken from me!