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January 1, 2020

Introspection and Analysis on New Year’s Day.

Decades of journaling and therapy has made me good at introspection and analysis and New Year’s Day seems like the right time.

I’m a mass of contradictions, maybe we all are.

  • I hate change but get bored easily.
  • I give generously and freely from the heart because it feels good to do things for others, but if it goes unappreciated or worse, taken for granted, I get pissed and feel wounded.
  • I am non-judgmental of others but judge myself too harshly.
  • I want to go out to explore the world and also stay in the couch.
  • I preach self-confidence but am unsure of myself.
  • I’m great at convincing myself that I have many of the answers I seek but I’m often lying to myself.
  • I proclaim that I don’t care what others think of me, but I do. I’m not concerned with everyone’s opinion, but some. More than I should. I shouldn’t concern myself with it at all. Deep down I know that what others think of me is not my business and should have no effect on me, but it does.
  • I get anxious when I feel out of control or when my schedule gets thrown off, despite that I am flexible and can roll with the waves.
  • I get anxious about making phone calls, even to people I love, and even when I know it will feel good to talk to them and will make me feel more connected – and connection is all I long for and always have.
  • I love being with people and enjoy talking with them and fostering strong connections and yet find myself exhausted by these experiences afterwards. My favorite part of a party is the conversation afterward. People are relaxed in an subdued, easy way and conversation flows. I love that!
  • I complain that it feels like I get left behind and don’t hear from my friends and extended family, but I don’t call them either. I feel badly about that, but don’t do anything active to change it. I just persist in dwelling in a bad place about that.
  • I feel too much guilt. I apologize too much. I apologize about apologizing too much.
  • I want to get healthy and lose weight but keep buying cookies. I eat delicious comfort food as a means to deal with my emotions. And don’t ever seem to make time for exercise.
  • I keep getting sick or injured. My post hysterectomy body feels alien to me: hot flashes, chills, sleep disturbances, anxiety, digestion issues, food sensitivity. I’m working on fixing all this and bolstering my immune system with the help of my dietitian, Marina.
  • I have a laser clear focus and am often fuzzy headed with the feeling of “too many tabs open” confusion.
  • I have a passionate desire to reveal my real self in my book, and yet I’m terrified to be flayed open and vulnerable. The desire to be known and to connect with others through shared or similar trauma is driving me forward. And I want to finally finish one of the books I’ve started. Completing one’s goals is important.
  • I can see myself with an interactive blog and YouTube community sharing experiences and supporting one another but don’t know how to get there. I hope I am on the right path.

As we all reached the end of 2019 and are beginning 2020, I feel hope, trepidation, unease and excitement – mass of energizing (and sometimes paralyzing) contradictions.

Time is a Relentless Bastard and is always moving forward.

Minutes become hours become days and week and then years. People ask me how I do all the things I do. I teach full time, run my small art business, paint and create visual art for fun and for exhibitions with Women Sharing Art, read, write in my journal and my upcoming book, learn how to publish and open-heartedly market it, spend time with loved ones and my amazing husband, and be a good mother to my children.

Where do I find the time?

The truth is I love working in my creative projects. They don’t feel like work.

I also feel like I’m never doing enough, or that it all takes me too long to accomplish what I want to, but when I look at a calendar, I realize how short the time frame was. I often feel that I need to be better, stronger, braver, more efficient.

I tell the truth but lie to myself. I’m great at it and am very convincing. I have old patterns of swallowing my desires, insecurities, anger, resentment, fear, which are hard to break.

I tell these lies to myself in the mirror or while driving alone, but I don’t often say them when and to whom I should. Although I know it will feel better to say that truth and know it will be better to insist on truth and openness. But I hear echoes of critical demon ghosts telling me I’m a nag, I complain. I’m too much. I’m not enough. I’m laughable. I’m ugly and fat. I’m too shy and too loud.

The ghostly derogatory self-talk paralyzes me and keeps me from my truth, my peace, my dreams. My happiness. Sometimes I’m stronger than they are and other times they dance in my head.

I’m getting better. I’m stronger in combatting those inner mean girls, but not quite there yet. I feel fewer obsessive people pleasing and self-deprecating motivations. But they’re still there. I’ll keep getting better at this. I hope.

Do you, my dear readers, feel these contradictions too? How do you deal with them? What are your goals for this new year and fresh start? Please share your thoughts with me.

Don’t be a stranger. I’m very interested.

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