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April 29, 2020

Betting On Me: The Dark Horse

I bet on myself for the very first time today.

After years upon years of playing it safe (even though I was laid off from my “safe” corporate job), listening to the advice of others (who took far different paths than mine), and doing everything but listening to myself, I decided it’s time to bet on the dark horse in this race—


In my 35 years of existence on this planet, I’ve had every job except the one I truly want– One that would allow me to fully express myself and explore my creative talents. I’ve found myself either behind a desk or taking someone else’s orders, all while fully uninspired.

Not ideal for a dreamer like me.

So when the company that recently let me go came knocking at my door, asking if I would be up for inputting numbers into a spreadsheet for a side job, I was conflicted to say the least.

On one hand, these are strange times—the strangest!—and it would be wise to find cash where I can. Bills have to be paid and my savings won’t save me for long…

On the other hand, I am an artist. I was viewing this layoff as the precise push I needed to pursue my dreams of being a writer, a singer, an actress, a painter…a creative healer. Not to mention, I’ve heard the clever acronym that job stands for “Just Over Broke” and I think there’s a bit of truth in it.

I’ve never really given myself the time, effort, and energy to see if I could do it— be a full-time creative, an artist. I’ve dabbled here and there, but always holding down a side job, not really making my creative career my focus, my priority. Even after graduating with a Master’s degree in Theatre, I found myself only dabbling in acting. It wasn’t a fair shot.

It seems I’ve always enjoyed grasping tightly to my security blanket, but then again, who doesn’t? This time has to be different.

Is there no better time to leap into the abyss than when the whole world was squarely inside of it? Staring into it? Not really knowing what to make of the unknown. I assured myself I would be in good company.

This time, with months years of self-love mantras and practices under my belt, including overcoming some of life’s more insurmountable challenges, I had an epiphany:

Part of self-love is walking away from jobs that are unfulfilling and not in service to your mission.

(Even when we are afraid. Sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway.)

I also realize I am at a very privileged position to even have this decision to make, so I do not take it lightly. As such, I fully intend to take this power and shine it back on humanity. By taking the risk of shining my light brighter, setting out to do what I came here to do, I will free others, and isn’t that the whole point? If I stay enslaved to a job that is sucking the life out of my soul and isolating me from others, doesn’t that hurt others in turn? How can I talk the talk (“Follow your passion!”) without walking the walk (as I slowly die behind a lifeless computer screen)?

I think of all the people that will be moved, touched, filled with laughter and joy at the art I can create. I think of all the people I can inspire to free themselves and move through the world in a more authentic way, not suppressing their dreams and desires. Imagine a world where people are doing what they love and adding value to the world through those natural gifts?

I think I’ll face the fear, trust myself for once in my life, and take the first step in being the change I want to see in the world.

I bet on myself for the very first time today.

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