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April 20, 2020

From Trauma at Home to Paradise in Pandemic.

From the trauma of rape, to healing in community.

Meditation is a practise, looking toward the sky through the trees.

I am captivated by the dance between the leaves, enriched with the fresh oxygen in the air.

What works for me right now at this stage may not work for me, 10 years, 10 days, or even 10 minutes later down the line.

Scouting for memories has become a natural habit. I look for those moments that make me feel presence: my connection to God, some Divine, some Source, something bigger than myself.

I encountered a moment, an intense feeling before falling asleep one night last year. I was shown the extent of His love, the mercy, the forgiveness, the pain. But most of all the understanding that this was the only way. When you have pain that runs so deep that you almost feel faithless.

Understanding can bring around compassion. Acknowledging can bring a sense of peace.

I was raped at the beginning of 2019, and this encounter with God and Christ consciousness helped me develop a greater understanding. Forgiveness became a journey I started to walk down. I understood that I would never be able to take away what happened to me. The regret, the what-ifs, the self-blame, the anger, the self-hatred. But in the midst of pain, I was able to open up my heart.

I faced my demons, and looking at them, I then realised they weren’t so scary, anymore. When we open up our mind and heart and tune into our intuition (something I had been ignoring for so long), we realise the signs are all around us. The angels, the ancestors were holding me. We are beings of free will, we all make choices. Divine intervention can only intervene so much.

But I knew on that night in 2019 there had been many signs trying to guide me away from that situation.

Yet, here I am closer to God than ever before.

I remember waking up the night after it happened, thinking maybe it was a bad dream, a nightmare. But my body was a reminder of the trauma that had happened. The physical and emotional pain lasted weeks. Days went by and I could still feel the physical pain. I couldn’t escape it with alcohol nor drugs, as that was what got me into this mess in the first place. Constantly hiding and running away from my reality, my fears.

I knew the only way to survive was to regain my power.

So I began with self-reflecting, diving deep within me, reminding myself of the many versions I had once been. The countless phases within my life where I was trying to find myself, trying to become something. Constantly running and chasing after my dreams, people, love, happiness. Ultimately there had been many times in my life when I was able to become again through meditation.

Out of body experiences were battled with sitting still and focusing on my breath. Breathing in and out, listening to my surroundings, picturing a mountain so strong in all its stillness. I always found myself coming back to this simple practise whenever I encountered turmoil. Here I am again, meditating during a life-changing moment within my life.

Fast forward a year later and it is the full moon in Libra.

There has this pandemic, and I am ”stuck” in the best place I could possibly be.

11,386 miles away from home. I am here in Auckland, New Zealand. Breathing in 20 acres of beautiful land. Staying at a retreat surrounded by people who have affected my life in the most lovely ways imaginable. Gratitude doesn’t seem like enough. My mind races to think of the bigger picture of it all, why are we here in this place, together, during a pandemic? This is a paradise! So many scenarios of what-ifs, but bringing my focus back to the breath every single day keeps me grounded within this space.

I do miss my home, the familiarity of it all.

But I find that I am no longer running.

I am becoming, I am being. I am living.

Being ”stuck” here feels much better than being back home.

I find myself finding peace with the energies. Crystals healed me, love healed me, my mother’s hugs, food, shelter, people, NZ SPIRIT Festivals all healed me. Creating the reality I wanted, rather than running away and escaping the reality of what was.

Slowing down, going back to the breath, breathing and focusing. Setting daily intentions.

Taking it a day at a time. I no longer rush toward my dreams, because, in a weird way, I am already living them.

Thank you to everyone who guided and supported me throughout this one year journey. For so long I was trying to do everything myself until I realised opening up, being vulnerable and accepting help from others doesn’t make me weak. Going it all alone didn’t make me strong.

At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. Only we can make the necessary changes, only we can take action to create change. People can give you the keys, but it is only you who can unlock the door.

Be gentle and be kind to yourself.

Spread love and joy, but start within.

 

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