I have a man that I love. When I’m with him I am so very happy.
But when he leaves, I get REALLY insecure. I feel vulnerable. I wonder if I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH.
Instead of enjoying our relationship, I get upset.
I interpret a comment or a look as “he doesn’t care about me.” I spend the day feeling like a jerk and thinking I should just end the whole thing so I don’t have to feel this way.
Then I ask myslef if this is what I really want? And it’s not. It’s just an automatic impulse so I can feel safe again.
I wonder if I could I ever just enjoy my life.
Can I enjoy the beautiful day even though he wasn’t here?
Enjoy the time with my children at my beach front cottage?
I absolutely can. It’s not that I can’t. But today, there was just a little part of me that felt bad. I little chink in my armour of happiness.
Maybe it will never really go away. Maybe I’ll always be looking for the negative.
Maybe I can just accept that that’s how I am. My brain takes over and spins the negative. It will always try to protect me from getting hurt. And that’s ok. It doesn’t really mean anything.
Because I REALLY do love this man. Even though I wasn’t with him today.
Maybe I can just accept myself as I am. And know that he loves me, even with my craziness.
And be happy. Even with my doubting thoughts. Because even when they are gone, they always come back. But they aren’t true. They are just thoughts.
It’s ok to love deeply. And ok to allow myself to be loved. Because that is my dream. To have a loving, lifelong amazing relationship. And it’s ok to live that dream. I don’t have to ruin it. I can just enjoy it and be happy.
Thank you for listening. Your listening helps me. And I hope I’ve helped at least one of you.
Stay safe and healthy.