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June 9, 2020

The Truth about Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (it’s Terrifying & Beautiful).

I am told I see in black and white and feel every color. 

My friend often says to me, “Girl, when you feel, you feel. You feel from your head to your toes.” And she’s right. I do.

I feel everything, and I feel it deeply.

 I have Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite all the stigmas, I want the world to know it’s okay. 

I work with children with autism, and I see similarities between us. While I don’t cover my ears or rock, I, like them, become over-stimulated and triggered by the small nuances of everyday life that the average person may not notice. 

Having BPD feels as if you’re walking through life with no skin.

I feel everything that brushes up against me. Changes in tone, body language, and word choice often trigger me, and there is no worse feeling than being abandoned. I collect friendships and will keep them for a lifetime, even if they are unhealthy. I am also afraid of change and am always on the search to fill the void I feel.

There’s a longing to be loved. It’s a hole that is difficult to patch.

As you get to know me, you will watch the roller coaster take off in front of you. I may laugh one moment and cry the next, ping-ponging between two extremes. Finding the middle ground can be a challenge, especially when I dissociate and begin to float above my body. 

We often end up in the emergency room because we are unable to find calmness in the chaos. While treatable, 10 percent of us will die by suicide. 

Though BPD comes with great challenges, it is also beautiful. Those with Quiet BPD can be seen as empathetic, soft-spoken, loving, and creative. They may struggle with speaking out loud; however, they are often passionate writers. They have the ability to see life vividly and convey it on paper. They also blend in easily with different crowds because their sense of identity is frequently changing. 

Though people with Quiet BPD may struggle with their identity, when grounded, they are beautiful people who make great friends, partners, therapists, and neighbors. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and will do anything to help someone in pain. 

If you or someone you know struggles with BPD, please consider seeking help from a mental health professional. With the right support, we can heal from this.

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