The 4 emotions behind sexual arousal
We can’t have peak experiences without emotions.
Even the most casual encounters have some emotions involved.
We experience the world through our emotions & sensation.
The four key emotions causing arousal & desire are Closeness, Anxiety, Anger, and Desirability.
One of the universal truths about peak sexual experience is self-disclosure, to reveal our innermost raw selves and experience acceptance and validation from another.
All sexual experience has some element of emotions, even the most casual encounter with a stranger that could appear to be void of emotion.
However, you feel about that person is separate from the feeling you want to have and get from being with them.
What we seek is the acceptance and validation of our self-revelation.
When we feel love or connection, from sex, then it stems from our partner’s acceptance of our most vulnerable and raw sexual expression.
Physical sensation and closeness are the two parts that are present in most peak experiences.
As you have heard me say many times in this book, it’s about the balance.
Anxiety must arrive either after you are turned on or in low amounts to transform into a turn-on, so it does not overwhelm you.
If we look at longing and anticipation, anxiety is inherent.
Will we meet again?
Did she like me?
How will the sex be?
All this uncertainty creates anxiety that can feel like excitement.
That’s why some people love adrenalin activities because it makes them feel excited and alive.
We all have different tolerances for our anxiety levels and when it’s arousing or turns us off.
In naughtiness, we also have anxiety.
The risk of getting caught. The feeling of doing something forbidden or wrong.
Power dynamics also have an element of anxiety, as the dominant figure takes control over the other.
Many experience anxieties when letting go of control, which turns to excitement.
Having the responsibility of being dominant can have the same effect.
The border between danger and safety is when we feel most excitement.
When we know, there is a risk, but we still feel safe from actual harm.
The closer to that edge, we push the more excitement we feel.
The edge is different to each of us.
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Most of us don’t like to think of anger as a sexual enhancer.
We think of anger as dangerous and destructive.
It’s important to realize that anger is just an emotion. It’s how we act on it that decides if it’s destructive or constructive.
Anger, at its most basic level, is just energy.
I used the anger of being told my son would die to innovate medical science.
That’s anger used constructively.
So, if we can step away from the judgment of anger and see it for what it is, then we can also allow it a space to be expressed safely.
Many of the issues we experience from anger are repressed anger that has not had a healthy outlet of expression.
Anger is a protective mechanism that mobilizes us to defend ourselves or those we care about.
It’s a way to demand attention and make it clear we don’t like what is happening.
The old “our most passionate sex is makeup sex” is a testament to how anger can turn into a sexual enhancer.
The reason fights can be arousing could also be because they create anxiety, distance, and uncertainty.
Again, there is a balance.
If we are persistently angry, then it will often dampen sexual desire. Still, if it’s a burst of anger followed by a release, it can turn into sexual energy.
Anger is an emotion more familiar to men, as it’s one of the feelings we are culturally encouraged to feel. For most women, it’s the opposite.
Many porn videos have anger themes, such as a man finding his cheating wife and then having angry sex with her to punish her.
All these themes have an undertone of anger released as sexual energy.
Guilt and shame often hide our sexual desire for our partner.
Anger can be the catalyst that makes it possible to step past the shame and set your desire free.
In this instance, anger is not directly the enhancer but is used to break inhibitors: guilt and shame.
We might feel angry with ourselves for not taking the initiative when we want to, or for our partner, not taking action.
If we have been humiliated or bullied, anger can be released where we get to feel in control and powerful.
Because anger is a powerful energy, it’s possible to push past both guilt and shame.
Feeling desired is, in itself, a form of validation.
It makes us feel good about our bodies and sexuality, allowing us to enjoy our bodies more.
Many also feed off their partner’s desire to feel their sexual energy.
Many women experience this because cultural guilt and shame have made it harder for women to feel their sexuality.
By feeling their partner’s desire for them, they can allow themselves to let go and enjoy.
It’s a familiar feeling expressed especially amongst women, “I want to be picked out in a room full of women, to feel like the chosen one.” It’s the need to feel wanted and desired.
Similar is the fantasy of being pursued by a persistent man that does not give up until he finally gets you.
The fantasy is about getting attention, being chased, being the chosen one, and the object of desire for someone else.
At its core, it’s about feeling valued.
Feeling desire also comes down to having a responsive partner.
A more expressive partner makes us feel more valued, wanted, and desired.
You can learn more relationships and sex tips at Zensensa.
Now take some time to reflect on what core emotions you want to feel when you have sex and turn you on the most.
You can then create scenarios that create those emotions.
Have fun and remember consent is a must.