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July 27, 2020

Are we living as the sum of all the people we have loved?

I decided to take a solo journey to Sedona, AZ to clear my energy field, embrace nature and find the courage and strength to let go of who I thought I was, to step into who I am meant to be.

And with that, the part of me that has been guided to share my story is here now and dedicated to show up fully commited to serving humanity. Its been a rough 2 years but I have found my way through this journey and while I may have not known what I was searching for during that time, it got clearer and clearer until I did, indeed; find what I was searching for. Until the next one appears as life never stops teaching us.

The hero I was searching and longing for was inside me the entire time. And… its in each and everyone of us.

We all long to know and live out our purpose. It is why we are here.

When we don’t know our purpose, we can feel lost, alone and scared. We all want to feel connected. We all want to feel like we belong. We all want to feel like we have something to offer.

But what happens when we feel like we don’t fit in, or that we don’t belong?

So far on my journey, I have encountered a lot of loss. Whether that was death of loved ones or losing connections that I held dear to my heart. My parents, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, partners, separated from my children due to separation…. and it has been an ongoing discovery of letting go and truly embracing loss or endings as a way of releasing the old and welcoming change and the new.

Throughout it all, the one person I was afraid of losing the most; was myself.

But watching those that I love pass on; showed me one thing that I think created this drive in me to keep going…. And that was what I was leaving behind. my legacy. What impact would I have on the world, on my family. I can say that when both my parents passed way, they left me nothing. Unanswered questions, no roadmap, no inheritance… questions… feeling of abandonment. I am not blaming; I have worked though this! Part of my journey was to overcome these feelings and discovering the answers to these questions.

….. but overall, the one thing that I noticed was that they didn’t seem fulfilled. It got me thinking. When It is my time to leave this planet, I don’t want my dreams to go down with me. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that must be. I even hear influential people say the same.

It became my greatest fear… That I would leave here not having fulfilled my purpose and I feel that deep down inside us all, is the same.

I have always had a fire inside me that wanted to help people and made that my life. It wasn’t really chosen by me but the position I was put in at a young age. But I forgot about one important person. Me.
I thought this defined me. that this was who I am… but maybe, who we think we are is not really who we really are…

Many of us get caught up in helper mode and give away all that we have until we are depleted and wondering why we were left or even wondering why the same person you were loyal to, wasn’t loyal to you.

This has been the common theme in my life since my mother passed away. Little did I know that my caretaking nature had been engrained in me so much that I had no idea who I was outside of helping others. I didn’t even know how to help myself.

While I thought this was a flaw, or something I had to hide; it was only a matter of time before the truth of this came out and I was left once again to face myself.

I always thought I had everything in control – until things in my life were so chaotic, I couldn’t keep up with it anymore and I was forced to surrender and let go. Now, letting go isn’t easy! our comfort zone is safe, its familiar, but the unknown…… eeeek… what’s out there?

But then I realized that we don’t have control, we never have and we never will. Like nature, God controls… we just choose to flow or resist.

While I know that this COVID has been a struggle for most everyone, I really have tried to see the brighter side of things and allow the isolation to be a good thing… to see the silver lining… to step away from the noise and truly get to know who I AM.

What if you have been told who you are, what to do, what to say, how to be your entire life and so really you are just a combination of everyone you’ve been close to… what if half those people are gone, what if the other half leave you when you hit rock bottom? What if the only person you are left with is yourself? Now in this moment, I could choose to feel sorry for myself, question why I am being left, close my heart off, play victim OR…. I could see this as God’s way of removing all that wasn’t serving me out of my life like a fathers way of disciplining a child so that I can find my own strength, remember who I am, say what makes me happy without fear, dance all day if I want to, travel and make my own itinerary, be my authentic self and know who that really is…. But most of all, to fulfil His plan.. to truly have what is meant for me, not what “I think” is meant for me.

In some way, our identity is re-born… our TRUE identity. This beautiful essence of purity is born within us that we can FEEL and embrace unapologetically and then we realize that we don’t have to sacrifice who we are just so others can like us, stay with us….. we don’t have to be someone else to avoid rejection or feel temporary fulfilment that is fleeting and never lasts.. we realize that we love everyone just as they are.. We love ourselves JUST AS WE ARE! We are all from the same creator..

We then can start from the ashes of all that has burnt away… an unsteady foundation that would have never held up during our greatest storm… But to start fresh, rebuild a new foundation. plant firm roots in love and one that will never shatter If a storm were to come though again. Not a foundation built around fear… those never last..

We are STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL, LOVING, beings…. And we are all on our own journey.

I set off to be a Heath and life coach over a year ago and I had no idea that it would turn into a total transformation of my identity. I received spiritual gifts of visions, intuition, energy healing, insight and wisdom. I tapped into parts of myself that were ancient and was shown just how far back my soul goes and I believe that I am here to help others grow, expand and evolve – the way that we are all seeing now… what they are calling .. the awakening. Seeing past our limitations and blocks and recognizing that we are limitless beings, co-creating with the universe… to reach outside of our comfort zone.. to embrace the feminine/masculine energies within and unify the two with spirit.

To love the unlovable. To forgive. To forgive parts of ourselves that allowed us to make choices that weren’t good for us. To honor that this was a part of our growth. To love despite the differences of others. To see the beautiful loving soul in everyone. To accept ALL that IS. To kick fear and illusion to the curb and welcome in the love. To FEEL the love though it all.. To not shy away from the darkness, but to RISE ABOVE the darkness with the light that is in you. To understand that not everyone will love us, but we can choose to love them.

I realized that loving ourselves is the hardest thing to accomplish – because when we love ourselves, we love every single being and thing even in the midst of the worst heartbreak or malicious act. When we can see a person that hurt us through the eyes of love and compassion… we recognize that there was a part of us that was the same, or capable of the same. When we can embrace our shadow, it opens up an entire new world.
When we go into the deepest depths of our own soul and do the work….. mind you this is deep deep inner work and at times, you feel like you are at the edge and are just done – but you can’t go back, you just keep going… faith gets you through.

It leads you to your own soul… To falling in love with every single part of yourself and recognizing what is not you and what is you. All the parts of you that may be someone else’s voice that you took on as your own, your own critic. your own judge… Then you get to choose who you want to be, how you want to be and you realize your purpose is to be love and spread love and light the way for others. to provide hope, even when it feels like there is no point.

So here I am, naked… from this point on. I have made a commitment to share what I have learned, to commit to serving others and to help others find their purpose… I am going to share my voice regardless of what anyone thinks. I am telling fear of being myself to back off and take a seat! I was given a voice (despite those that told me to stop talking) so I could share what I know… to help others see how beautiful they really are and to let go… let go of trying to figure it out, let go of trying to keep it all together. To venture into your own heart and let the truth be shown to you and then through you.

Its okay to lose your shit, to be emotional, to be scared… its okay to not know, its okay to mess up… its okay to fail, to feel defeated… its not okay to give up on yourself and your dreams… because we may fail a thousand times, but what if… what if that next time, we succeed?

I believe that all that chaos and all those feelings of failure are a part of the masterpiece that is being formed in you… when we get up and try again, no matter how many times it takes… we get closer to seeing the final piece of artwork.
People WILL hurt us, they will leave us, and we will hurt and leave people too… But when we can realize that it is all part of a bigger plan and to allow the unfolding of this journey to shape us into better, more loving human beings… we then realize that there is a spirit inside us that NEVER LEAVES us!

I had a friend 10 years come to me right after my father passed and he told me the same thing… it changed my life. He may have not been able to stay with me during a dark time, but he gave me a place to start and that was trusting in the divine plan.

We can then let go and truly enjoy the journey….

When I flew to Sedona 5 days ago, I was stuck. I was in my head. I was hurting… I wanted to give up. I had been betrayed by two people I considered family and who I thought had my back….during a world crisis… I really didn’t know how to handle it, it made me question a lot of things.

But then I realized, I couldn’t blame anyone; I had to recognize that I wasn’t living in truth. self-betrayal is hard to spot sometimes but I believe it was me taking a look in the mirror realizing that I had to make major changes and that I could no longer rely on anyone or anything outside of me. I had to start saying NO, setting boundaries and being okay with having standards – even if that meant facing adversity from even my own family members.

I could either keep living in this cycle or I could change it. I had to let go and truly trust in the only thing that is true. Our creator. Even my own thoughts and feelings were deceiving me…

If I was to fully find joy, I had to be okay with letting go of controlling how everything should go in my life. I had to hand it over to the Master creator…. I had to realize that we are co-creators and I can choose to show up and play my part or I could resist and hold on to what I thought was safe. What I thought was safe was hurting me. But it’s all that I knew. Its all most of us know.

To truly let go, I had to be okay with the unknown… and in this…. I found the most profound insights and overflowing love and joy.

Why Sedona… this was planned but Its as if it was planned at the perfect time. I had NO idea what to expect so I just went on this solo journey. no real itinerary, just wherever spirit guided me to go…

For those of you that don’t know about Sedona, it is said to be a very sacred place and full of healing energy .. a place where our Natives lived and that there is a lot of ancient history and mystical energy in the canyons and throughout the entire place. The ley lines and vortexes have a way of realigning chakras and balancing out the feminine and masculine energies.
I have been drawn to Sedona for about 2 years now after the message of going just somehow kept finding me through books, people and believe it or not, it has been a dream of mine to go to Phoenix. Which is only 2 hours North of Sedona.

For those of you that know, I have a thyroid condition and it has caused a lot of pain and inability to walk long periods and exercise without pain but through Dr. Joe Dispenzas work, its actually helped me shift my thinking into not defining who I am by that, and more and more I have been able to be pain free and push my body past limits that doctors said I never could.

I was so determined to get to the top of these canyons, that I hiked up close to 8 miles on 3 different canyons and through one of them… there was this period of complete silence. I actually got dizzy. it was very magical.. like all I could hear was my breath and just NOTHING. Like it was this place where everything from the racing thoughts in my mind to the noise outside me couldn’t interfere and I just WAS ….. and in that moment… I knew who I was, beyond the noise and outside voices and distractions…

It was a similar feeling to having acupuncture… the stillness.

I looked around and said, wow… Coming to Sedona was a dream of mine and one that kept getting postponed due to things outside of my control but when I arrived, I got to taste what working towards our dreams really feels like. To truly manifest and see it come to fruition… to be grateful for the experience despite the hurting I was feeling.

To get lost out in the wilderness with Mother Nature and feel one with her love, presence, healing, and guidance. To truly absorb the beauty this earth is,,, to be at one with it…

It really does shift your perspective.
In the days ahead… I know my purpose is to show up and be of service to others. This is my passion. This is what makes me happy.

Through Mindfulness, though aligning Mind, Body and Spirit.
Balancing the masculine and feminine energies – marrying the two within… being whole and complete and understanding that we all already have everything we need inside of us.

When things show up on the physical – its in alignment with who we are at that time. The key is making sure that we are in alignment with ourselves and our Source. This tells us that what we see, who is in our life, what we are doing Is FOR us and not AGAINST us.

When we embrace and believe that which is FOR us will never resist us, we don’t have to chase after things that hurt us anymore. We can’t let other people’s actions and words define who we are. While we can observe others as mirrors, if we’ve learned the lesson and corrected it within us, the rest is on that person. Blaming ourselves and lowing our standards and self-worth because of how others treat us is a recipe for disaster.

This was my downfall – but the beauty of healing and getting back up… Is that the COMEBACK is ALWAYS stronger than the SETBACK!

When you commit to YOU, others will commit to you too

When you SHOW UP for yourself, others will show up for you

When you love yourself the way you truly deserve to be loved, others will love you that way too

When you trust yourself, others will trust you too

When you help others, you will receive the help you need

When you give love, you receive love ….

But most importantly, we MUST give love to ourselves.


When we answer the call to be the hero in our journey – we are answering a call to go into the unknown – we are journeying into the parts of ourselves that we need to heal and discover.

On this journey, you will go into the darkest parts (attracting challenges on the outside) and you will also meet your most loving parts (which will come in gifts, epiphanies, rewards, bursts of joy) all to realize that loving the dark as much as the light is where you end up. The dark is where creation is born, where seeds are planted and then you get to see those seeds come to light.

So, a new beginning is here and its here for all of us… if we so choose to welcome the new and let go of the old. Its here to give us the strength and courage to share our gifts with the world… To be the change… that is how we can make a difference and bring this world into balance and full of love.

We can RISE above the muddy waters and blossom… I think we think its going to be easy or handed to us, but it takes effort, hard work, trust, patience. It takes allowing the dark days to be what they are but keeping your vision, your north star at the very forefront – never letting go of that.

We may come out of these storms, weathered, tired, feeing beat up, exhausted – but that’s okay because we are indestructible souls – we are more powerful than we think we are.

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